Dual Fighters
by AdventFalls
Summary: What if Kasumi was sent with Ranma on his infamous trip to China? What if Ukyo ended up living with the Tendos? Why am I asking so many dumb questions?
1. The Master Plan Is Formed!

(cues lawyer)

This is a work of fanfiction. That means I cannot conceivably claim that I created Ranma 1/2, nor does that mean that I'll ever see a single cent come from this. In fact, the only real ownership I have here is over the story itself (and even that's questionable). So don't steal it.

(cues obligatory warning)

WARNING! This fanfiction contains massive amounts of overwrought martial arts fighting (What'dya expect? It's Ranma 1/2), strong language, and romances both of the heterosexual and shoujo-ai/femslash/lesbian/insert-random-descriptor-here variety.

There are also large amounts of Out-of-Character interactions for at least one character (it'll be explained during the fic), as well as large amounts of major tampering with the established Ranma canon. We're talking crack pairings here, ones that will make the world explode. Like, fire and brimstone, dogs and cats living peacefully together, that kind of thing. Don't worry, people familiar with the Ranma storyline will still know most of what's going on. Hopefully.

(hides in underground bunker)

"Talking"

'Thinking'

_Panda Speak_

-"Mandarin"-

* * *

Episode 1: The Master Plan Is Formed!

* * *

Nerima hadn't always been known as 'The Land of the Crazy'. There was a time before all that, about ten years before, to be exact. The Tendo Dojo also applied to this statement- the repair bills didn't always make contractors faint, and insurance companies didn't shudder when they saw the district's name.

And it was ten years ago that two men sat in this dojo, drinking some fresh tea. One man, Mr. Genma Saotome, was balding, but covered it up nicely with a bandana. The other man, Mr. Soun Tendo, looked to be in mourning, with ruffled black hair that appeared to not have been cut in months. Anyway, the two men appeared to be in deep discussion.

"...so it's agreed? This is how we'll unite the schools?"

Genma nodded, and then began to adjust his glasses. "I got him away from that wife of mine years ago, so that's the plan. Train him to become A MAN AMONG MEN!!" Genma stood up suddenly, thrusting his right hand into the air, as if to highlight that point.

Tendo sweatdropped. "If we're going to make this happen, old friend, then we need to make sure that at least one of my daughters can fall for your son."

Just then, a young nine-year old girl walked into the room, carrying a teapot. "Father, did you like the tea?"

"Yes, Kasumi, you've improved greatly from last time. You'll make a perfect wife someday."

That statement of fact got Genma's attention.

"Thank you, father. I'll be training if you need me."

That one got Genma's heart pounding. "She's been training in the art?"

Soun waved his hand dismissively. "Yes, ever since her mother died." He started bawling like either an idiot or a truly devoted husband, Saotome couldn't be sure which.

"Well then, Soun... why doesn't she come with me?"

Soun froze, not knowing what to say.

"Like you said, if our plan to join the two schools is to work, then at least one of your daughters will need to at least like my boy. She would be perfect! She's even somewhat trained in the Art already- I train her alongside Ranma, and our combined schools WILL BE INVINCIBLE!!" The last part was delivered so cheesy, so over the top, that it was almost like watching an episode of the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers instead of Ranma 1/2.

Genma's old friend got a sick feeling in his stomach. "Fine... just bring her back in one piece, Saotome."

Genma got up, preparing to leave the room. "I'll start packing. Soun, I guarantee you that nothing will go wrong."

Kasumi returned after about a minute. "You called me, father?"

'I'm going to hate myself for this.'

* * *

And that was how Kasumi, at the age of 9, became a sort of foster child to Genma Saotome. For those of you who've never met the man, here are the three things you should do in case you ever see him-

-Call the police...

-Tell him to go away...

-See numbers 1 and 2!

The man was old-fashioned, yet he had almost no real sense of honor, but he wasn't evil (strange combination, yet true). He was also an excellent martial artist, not including the fact that he was a great coward. So we've established that Genma Saotome was a great coward, a great martial artist, and probably a bad choice for a father. Despite that last statement, however, this was the guy who was now responsible for training his own son, Ranma, age 6, as well as Kasumi Tendo, age 9, in the almost certainly misplaced hope that the two would grow up and fall in love. So in short, because of two men's delusions, Ranma and Kasumi are about to get screwed over BIG time.

Genma's master plan would eventually backfire miserably. But I tell you that story, let's go back to the Tendo dojo, about one year later...

* * *

The rain was falling hard the morning that a Mr. Kuonji passed on.

The knocking at the door just wouldn't stop, and Soun was too busy trying to get piss drunk to notice. After about seven attempts to notify the residents of the house, a seven-year old Akane Tendo opened the door to find a man in a trenchcoat and an old-fashioned fedora, the kind you would find in The Maltese Falcon, or Chinatown. He was holding a crying little girl, who had been dragging an oversized spatula.

"Morning, little one. Koji Fando." He held out his hand, expecting the girl to take it. Akane's body shook involuntarily, but she did not accept his offer. He awkwardly retracted the hand, adding, "Don't worry, I'm one of the good guys. Is your father in the house?"

Little Akane ran upstairs, not answering his question. The man and the girl walked inside, trying to dry off from the rain. It had been half an hour since he first knocked on the door, and ten minutes since the littlest Tendo ran upstairs. 'Mr. Trenchcoat', as the spatula girl called him, handed the Kuonji girl something, and walked out the door.

By the time she returned with her father, who was holding a bottle of half-empty sake, Mr. Fando was gone. The girl just stood there, wiping the tears from her face with her left hand, holding an envelope in her right, her spatula thrown onto the floor. When Soun finally realized who this was at his doorstep, only one thought entered his mind.

'This won't end well.'

* * *

Tendo finally got the girl to stop crying, and had her sleep in Kasumi's old bed for the night. He sat down at the very table where he had made that deal with Genma all those years ago. He was about to drink the rest of the bottle down, but stopped. The envelope that little Ukyo Kuonji had given him was still there. Soun finally opened the envelope to find a letter from another old friend of his. It appeared to be an excerpt from his will.

* * *

Soun,

If you're reading this now, then I fear that my operation did not go as well as we'd have hoped.

Words can never express the gratitude that my wife (bless her soul) and myself feel toward your agreement to be our child's godfather. However, I am afraid that I must now ask you an even greater favor.

Take care of Ukyo. As the man that brought her into this world and raised her, I can only hope that you can live up to our promise.

Please, old friend. I fear that I have nowhere else to turn.

Take care,

Kuonji

* * *

Memories of the day they met began to flood his mind. Fighting him and his spatula at the edge of that cliff, saving his life- it had been how many years now? Eight? Nine? A man that Soun had once considered a rival, who had since become a good friend, was dead.

In any case, Soun had a dilemma on his hands. He had a responsibility as a father, a godfather, and a friend to take in Kunoji's only child. On the other hand, he already had three children himself. But one of those children, Kasumi, was being taken care of by Genma. Plus, his judgment was starting to become clouded from all that sake. Trying to drink four bottles in the span of ten minutes will do that.

After much thought (in Margarita-ville, that would be about five seconds), he decided to look after his eight year old godchild, Ukyo Kuonji. The girl was busy watching his youngest, Akane, try to cook.

"Why are you putting eggshells in the omelet?"

"For texture."

Ukyo's face turned a putrid shade of green, before chiming in. "That's disgusting!" Unseen to either of them, Mr. Tendo was frantically trying to down more sake for some reason.

Akane looked at her as if to say, 'WTF, mate?' "Like you can do better? I've been doing this for months."

That was one of the many, many reasons why Soun was still drinking.

Ukyo decided to take up the unspoken challenge. When the omelets were finished, Akane was frantically adding paprika and powdered chili onto what appeared to be crusty, black pancakes. Ukyo, meanwhile, used her spatula to flip her yellowish-orange eggs onto a paper plate.

"Breakfast!" The two had cried that out in unison.

Soun slumped into a sitting position at the table, uneager to eat whatever godforsaken hell-spawn Akane had whipped up today.

Nabiki, age 8, sat at her father's left, noticing that his sake bottle, which had taken its customary place at his right hand, was nearly empty. She made a note to herself to hire that homeless guy to buy sake for her again.

Akane sat at her father's right, placing the food on the table. The rice balls looked disproportionate and had very little seaweed wrappings, and the green tea would taste more hot salt water.

Ukyo sat across from her adopted 'father'- it sounded too weird calling him that, so she decided to just call him 'Mr. Tendo.' She placed her version of the omelet on the table, and there was a simultaneous gasp from Mr. Tendo and Nabiki.

"Akane? Do my eyes deceive me? He held the plate with the yellow-orange omelet in the air. "Could you be that you finally made-"

"Dad, my omelet is right next to that."

He came down from his high horse and noticed that Akane was frowning, Nabiki looked a little confused, and Ukyo had a hint of a smile on her face. Soun then took the time to carefully observe what his daughter had been pointing at.

"Akane, that omelet..." He had to find some feature of this poisonous tripe that her could point out and not be called the bad guy. "...It has a beak and feathers in it."

Which was true, oddly enough. Upon further inspection, it was discovered that a fully developed chicken beak was directly in the center of the top of the stack, while several burnt feathers could be found in the lower regions.

"Nabiki, did you-"

The middle Tendo child pointed at Ukyo, saying, "I think she did it, whoever she is."

Soun rejoiced, standing up instantly. "FINALLY! A GOOD COOK!" He was still quite tipsy, so he didn't stay standing for very long however: he quickly tripped over his own feet, and fell face first into the floor.

Akane looked at the new girl with a hint of jealousy. "Thanks a lot," she remarked sarcastically.

Ukyo slowly extended her hand, much to Akane's confusion. "My name's Ukyo. I'm sorry for embarrassing you like that."

She wasn't quite sure what to do- the last guy who'd embarrassed her received a complimentary punch-in-the-face. And although this one was dressed and acted like a guy for some reason, she'd give her the benefit of the doubt. She shook hands and replied, "My name is Akane. It's nice to meet you."

Dinner that night was the best the family had had in two months- and that was including the time that they had gone for takeout. Despite her humiliation that day, Akane and Ukyo became good friends, as if she was a member of the family. She even tried to teach Akane to cook (and failed miserably, for some reason).

From that day forward, Ukyo Kuonji essentially became the family cook.

* * *

Now, let's fast forward nine more years, to a land known as China, primarily because nothing really important (as far as you know) happened during that span of time. Specifically to the forbidden training ground known as Jusenkyo, where the legendary (and covered by every Ranma fanfic, as required by Internet law) 'Cursed Spring' incident was now occurring.

A redhead broke the surface of one of the many springs, screaming, "What the hell was that for, Oyaji?!"

Immediately after, she clasped her hands over her mouth, looked down, and found breasts. His hair, red instead of its usual black.

"Oh, that very bad. You fall into Spring of Drowned Girl. Very tragic story..."

He didn't want listen to some tale of a drowned hussy; he wanted to scream. He, Ranma Saotome, "a man among men" according to his deadbeat father and himself, was now a wimpy little woman. Kasumi ran over to the spring, not realizing that her friend had been cursed until about three feet away. She looked at Ranma-chan, and simply remarked, "Oh, my."

And then she fainted. Genma, who was now a panda thanks to the Spring of Drowned Panda, roared into her ear, resuscitating her.

"Mr. Saotome-"

Genma the panda responded by holding up a sign that translated into, _Sensei! Sensei!_

"Sensei, I don't believe it was necessary to awaken me like that."

_I do it to Ranma all the time, because he is my student. You travel with us, then you should expect the same treatment, girl._

Ranma-chan then proceeded to deliver a flying kick into his father's jaw. "You damn idiot! I was prepared to sacrifice my life for the art, but not my manhood!"

_Um..._

"Sensei, please tell me that you can read Chinese."

_Er..._

"And for the love of the kami, tell me that you've got a way to fix me back into a boy!"

_Look! A distraction!_

The two turned around to find a sign that read, _Suckers!_

The boy-turned-girl and Kasumi prepared to pursue, when the Tour Guide stopped them. "You change back with hot water. Cold water bring back curse."

With that, Ranma and Kasumi ran after the panda, dragging the Guide with them.

Four hours later, they had caught up with him, beaten him for his misdeeds, and proceeded to get lost in the jungle.

_I don't know what's worse- that I thought that would work, or that it almost did._

"Sensei, wouldn't it be a smart idea to ask the Tour Guide for directions?"

_Buzz off, girl! What do you know?_

That remark was followed by a sucker punch that was so powerful, that Genma fell to the ground, courtesy of Kasumi. It surprised everyone, especially Kasumi- primarily because that girl preferred to talk than to fight.

Her usual happy look that had been on her face was gone for the time being, replaced with that 'angry' vein that appeared whenever an anime character got PO'ed. "Mr. Saotome-"

_Sensei!,_ a sign rose up from the ground.

"I understand that you think that women are weak, but I do not understand why you think the same of me, even when I have proven otherwise!"

Lightning bolts flew between the eyes of the panda and the now nineteen-year old.

Ranma had thought that he'd gotten it rough with his dad- at least he was a boy. Kasumi wasn't, and therefore subject to Genma's ever pervasive prejudices.

Ranma had been curious as to where Kasumi had come from, but the only answer Genma told him was, "a friend."

'Surprised me that Oyaji even had friends.'

The Tour Guide stopped, which caused a slight commotion in the form of Ranma. "Why the hell are we stopping?"

"We now at Joketsuzoku. Village of Amazons. Best not to anger."

As the Guide would explain, the Amazons were sort of like the opposite of the rest of the world. While the world at large was under the belief that men were supreme in most matters (a viewpoint which was quickly being abandoned in favor of some semblance of gender equality), the Amazons had always believed, and still did, that women were the better half of humanity.

"So," he pointed at Genma and Ranma-chan, "if you go be man again, no anger Amazons. They deliver big beatings."

Kasumi then noticed two books that had been stuffed into the Tour Guide's pocket.

The Guide must have noticed her curiosity, because he elaborated on its subject. "These Chinese-to-Japanese books." He pointed to his head. "Trying to know better Japanese."

He handed the Tendo girl a book that had been stuffed in that pocket, 'How to Learn Chinese in Two Months'. The other book read, 'From Chinese to Japanese and Back: How to Speak the Foreign Tongue.' "You look like you like reading. You want?"

Kasumi smiled and took the books. "Thank you. Now where did those two go?"

Her question quickly got answered by the undeniable smell of various exotic foods, followed by a slew of chewing noises that could only belong to the Saotome clan.

She found Genma and Ranma, still in their cursed forms, chowing down on what could only be described as a feast. Hams, rice, soy sauce, a bit of sake, the works.

Genma gestured for his second student to come over, which she did. She sat just to the left of the panda, grabbing a leg of pork and devouring it. Genma then remembered that she had learned more than just martial arts under him, but also the patented 'Saotome-Black-Hole-For-A-Stomach' style of eating.

That was true: Kasumi had learned how to eat anything and everything, at her 'sensei's' urging. That, as well as the fact that any table that the Saotome clan shared was a war zone for food, and that no morsel was safe from their clutches, even if it had already been on your plate.

So she finished her leg, grabbed for some chicken wings, and proceeded to divide her attention between her food and one of her new books.

Much to Ranma's surprise (when she looked up from her food), there was a fight going on between two women a few meters in front of them, doing so on top of a wooden beam. One had short brown hair, while the other had long purple hair. They both wielded a bonbori, but the purple haired one appeared to be winning quite easily.

By now all three of the outsiders had taken notice of this struggle, the men noting that any of the three of them could take the two combatants on at the same time and win. Instead of this, Kasumi noticed that the fight seemed to be less about slaughtering one another and more about winning a prize of some kind.

She and Ranma also noticed that there was a look or gleam of some kind in the purple haired combatant's eyes that denoted a need to prove herself worthy of something. Whatever it was, it quickly vanished after a brief age.

About ten seconds after both Saotomes and the Tendo came to their respective conclusions; the brown-haired girl was knocked off of the beam, falling into a pit of mud. The audience cheered, and (to the surprise of Genma and his students) they seemed to be almost entirely comprised of women.

An old woman about half the winner's height approached her and proclaimed something in Mandarin to the crowd. All Kasumi could make out from her new book was the words 'tournament' and 'champion'. Genma and Ranma didn't understand the words, but they could figure out what was generally going on.

The audience began dispersing, moving toward the food that the three were snacking on, stopping halfway in utter shock. The winning girl came about five seconds later, also stopping, but in anger rather than shock. She had fought long and hard for the title of 'Village Champion', and these three outsiders were eating the prize feast! It had taken weeks to gather all that food, and those three idiots had eaten all of it!

'Only in town for five minutes and we're already in trouble,' Ranma sighed. 'Not a record, but pretty close.'

The 'champion' approached the table pointing the bonbori she used in the tournament at the panda. Her Japanese was very broken, much like the Tour Guide's, if not worse. Regardless, it was enough to get her point across.

"You- redhead." She pointed at Ranma. "You panda eat food. Now he be our food."

That definitely got the senior Saotome's survival instinct in gear. The Tour Guide decided to re-inform the Japanese martial artists of their plight.

"This not good. You offend Amazons. Now they eat panda-san for retribution."

* * *

- engaged. Options are:

A. Engage opponent and pray for victory.

B. Run like there's no tomorrow.

C. See B.

B.

You have chosen: Option B. Have a nice day!! (flees)

* * *

Kasumi attempted to try to talk the Amazon out of it, but her Chinese was as broken as a Ford Pinto, mostly because she was frantically flipping through the Japanese-to-Chinese section of her other book. "We not mean offense. We-"

The man-gone-panda grabbed his son as well as what he had hoped would be his future daughter-in-law, and made a beeline for what he hoped was the nearest way to Japan. The Tour Guide stared at the large trail of dust they had made, apologized to the tribe for his client's wrongdoings, and ran after them.

As the four fled, the old woman who had spoken to the crowd earlier looked at the village champion. -"Xian Pu..."-

-"Yes, Village Elder?"-

Cologne simply looked at the route the trespassers took outta Dodge. -"You know that you're supposed to chase them to the ends of the earth, right?"-

Xian Pu simply looked at her great-grandmother. -"But I didn't give the Kiss of Death!"-

-"But you are this year's martial arts champion! So it's your responsibility to avenge our tribe's honor."-

The Amazon looked at her, and began running after the offenders, who by now were probably half way to Japan.

* * *

"Bye, Mr. Tendo!"

"We'll see you in a week or two, Ukyo!"

And with that, Ukyo Kuonji, Soun Tendo's adopted daughter, was off on a training trip to retrieve her first father's scroll detailing a unique style of martial arts.

After seeing his long-lost daughter depart, Soun decided to check his mail. Bill, bill, bill, construction fee, jury duty (burn it), jury duty, paint slip, chain letter, REAL letter, ch-

Wait, actual mail?

He opened the envelope to find a letter from Genma. How long had it been? Nine, ten years? What he read soon filled his heart with joy.

"He's finally coming back." He ran into the house, raving like a lunatic. "Genma's finally returning!"

He ran past where Nabiki was sitting, reading a book (1001 Ways to Be a Filthy Rich Money-Maker, by Bill Gates, with an intro about how he's richer than God). As the Tendo patriarch frantically tried to spiffy up his home, he continued to read the letter, and shouted, "THANK GOD! HIS SON AND KASUMI ARE COMING AS WELL!!"

That last detail got her attention. She casually walked over to the dojo, opened the door to find Akane training a young twelve year old.

"Hey, Sis! Are you done sparring with Hinako?"

Akane was busy blocking the little girl's punches when she responded. "Almost. What- umph" -she had just taken an especially hard one just then- "is so darn important? Eh? Some stupid boy?"

"Yes, but it's bigger than that! Dad says that Kasumi's finally coming home!"

* * *

(cue tasteless announcer)

Next time, on Ranma 1/2:

Kasumi finally returns home- but why is there a panda with her?

The engagement commences... without Ukyo?

And what's this? A challenger for the violent girl's hand? Is this guy crazy? (Side note: He is.)

(And how the fudge did Hinako manage to land a part in this fanfic? Does anyone even know who she is?)

All this and more, in the next episode of Ranma 1/2!!

(cue badly dubbed theme song)

* * *

A Guide for the Japanese Challenged

Oyaji- The Japanese have both formal and informal versions of most words, used depending on the situation. This one is the latter version of 'father'. Adding the honorific suffix '-san' usually makes it more polite.

Sensei- Honorific suffix or title used for any type of teacher, usually of the educational of martial arts variety. If you've seen the Karate Kid, or any kung fu movie, then you already knew what this word meant.

Bonbori- This actually refers to an ancient Chinese melee weapon. Think of it like the Asian version of a mace, and you wouldn't be too far off.


	2. Here's Ranma and Kasumi!

A/N: Special thanks to Tama Saga for making me think about the details.

* * *

(cue overpaid announcer)

Last time, on Ranma 1/2-

Kasumi was sent to train with Ranma during his infamous, years-long training trip.

Ukyo was sent to live with Soun Tendo following the death of her father.

Both Saotomes were sent into their respective Cursed Springs...

And the Saotome clan, along with Kasumi, narrowly escaped the threats of the Amazons and is finally on its way home.

Stay tuned for another great episode of Ranma 1/2!

(shoves announcer in closet)

* * *

Episode 2: Here's Ranma and Kasumi!

* * *

The Nerima cafe was notable for, well, being notable. It was really the only real coffee shop in the district, and it also had a reputation for having a good selection of music. Today, however, it was tuned into the news, which was spouting out the strangest story today.

"...our ongoing coverage of what can be called the strangest street brawl of all time continues now, as the oversized panda that was last seen fighting those two girls we told our listeners about earlier on 42nd Street have popped up again on Kreme Avenue..."

The owner of the establishment was sitting was listening intently to the radio, but lapsed slightly as he heard the street name. 'Isn't that the same street that we're-'

His train of thought was derailed by the sight of a large black and white mammal, fending off an assault from a red head and another woman with long brown hair. The tussle seemed to be dying down, though- the red head's last punch sent the panda-man flying into a fire hydrant, sending water shooting into the sky. The red head (whom the owner could only assume was Chinese on account of her attire) was yelling at the mammal, something like, "BAKA! There is no way I'm gonna go along with this!"

Her pet got right back up, though, and responded with a judo chop at the red head's collar bone, which made her lose consciousness. The brown haired girl retaliated, punching repeatedly at the endangered animal's gut, shouting, "I can't believe you! So that's why you took me with you and Ranma, Panda-san?!"

The Asian bear pulled out a sign, seemingly out of nowhere, which read, _Sensei! SENSEI!_

The panda hammered the girl on the head with this newfound sign, and she stopped struggling, falling to the ground. The panda picked up both of the girls, threw them over its shoulder like a pair of towels, and ran away from the carnage that it had helped create.

The owner surveyed the damage across the street. Two cars were totaled, a third had its windshield shattered, a light post had been toppled, and there was water shooting forth from the broken fire hydrant. He could hear one of his patrons muttering, "There goes the neighborhood."

The owner looked at the object between his fingers and threw it away. 'I need to stop smoking the reefer.'

* * *

The knocking at the door was met with relief for Soun, mainly because the anticipation was killing him. He was happy to see his oldest, Kasumi, finally returned to his arms, but somewhat confused to see a panda instead of his long time friend Genma. But the red head to its right-

"-must be Ranma! I've heard so much about you!" He hugged the 'son', but quickly noticed the presence of... two very perky, fairly large breasts.

There was an awkward silence before Nabiki spoke the obvious. "Daddy, I think Ranma's a girl." She poked the girl's breasts to double-check, much to Ranma's chagrin. "Yep."

After doing a double-take, Soun promptly fainted. Akane, meanwhile, was busy chatting up the new arrival. "Hi, my name's Akane."

Kasumi hugged her dad, oblivious to the fact that he was unconscious. "Father, I can't believe it's really you!"

Akane and Ranma both snuck out of the room, when Akane made an odd (but not out of character for a Ranma 1/2 fic... what, you expected fluffy pink dragons?) suggestion. "Dad said that your family liked to train and stuff... would you like to spar?"

Five minutes later, Akane found herself on the dojo floor, beaten by her new friend, Ranma. "Wow, you're pretty good! Thank goodness you're not a boy."

Ranma gave a phony smile, her right hand scratching the back of her head nervously. "Yea..."

"Listen, I'm sure you're tired of wandering around the country side. Why don't you go take a bath?"

"Yea, but-"

Kasumi marched down the stairs, drying out her hair. "It'll be fine, Ranma." As Akane walked off to her room, happy that she made a new friend, Ranma asked, "Kasumi, what am I gonna do?"

His old friend closed her eyes and tapped her right pointer finger on her chin before finding a temporary solution. "Take a bath and unwind, Ranma-chan. We can explain all of this once everyone is relaxed."

As Ranma went upstairs, she walked by her father playing shogi with her 'sensei', Mr. Saotome, who had found a kettle of hot water since his arrival. Both of them seemed to be in tears.

Genma looked nearly the same as he had when he struck his fateful proposal with Soun, except he was completely bald now. He wore the same glasses as always, and he still had that bandana covering the top of his head. Soun's mane had grown incredibly long, and it was impossible to tell how long he had gone without a haircut.

Kasumi looked at her father. "I guess he told you everything." Her father nodded, barely keeping control of himself.

"Kasumi, I'm sorry for-"

She beat him to the punch. "There's no apology necessary, Father. You did what you thought was best."

That didn't stop Soun from nearly bawling like an oversized mustachioed baby. "But..."

Genma moved one of his pieces on the shogi board. "She's right, Soun. We both agreed that it was for the best. For the fulfillment of the Art."

Tendo sniffled, but nodded in comprehension. "I- I know. I just need this to sink in. I mean, your own son-"

He was interrupted, however, a loud, high-pitched scream, followed by Ranma, now in his uncursed state as a boy, running down the stairs, struggling to put some pants on. Nabiki quickly pulled her eyes from the stack of dirty dishes and emerged from the kitchen to see what the entire ruckus was about.

"I swear, I ain't a pervert!"

The comment was quickly reversed with a kitchen sink missing his head by inches. At the top of the stairs was a flustered, no, PISSED OFF Akane Tendo. Seriously, her eyes were red, that anime 'anger vein' was the size of a Hummer's hubcap, and she had pulled out her trademark 'Mallet of 19 Pervert Punishing' hammer out of Hammerspace.

The presence of the wooden mallet alarmed Kasumi, walking over to Ranma to get a better look at the weaponry. 'Where on earth did she get that?'

"Then why were you in the bathroom, huh? Where'd my friend go?"

There was a splash of water. Genma had thrown a bucket of cold water into the mix, splashing both Kasumi and Ranma, who was then transformed into his girl form.

"Sensei, I already took a bath! That wasn't necessary!"

The boy-turned-girl fumed at him. "OYAJI!!"

Akane just stared at the red head, feeling a bad headache coming on.

* * *

The explanation of the curses was unexpectedly calm, save for the profanities that Ranma screamed out when the hot water touched her skin. His father turned him back into a her as punishment for "such unmanly behavior". The senior Saotome left out the part about the Amazons, seeing as how he didn't think it was important. The part where Genma explained the marriage proposal was created an explosion of outrage, as well as a call of mutiny among the children of both families.

"Oyaji, you can't expect me to do this!"

"You can, you will, and I'll make a man out of you in the process!" He picked up a bamboo stick and prepared to go all Mulan (the manly version, that is) on his ass.

Soun blew a whistle, and the two calmed down. "Please, can we just determine who Ranma will marry? I've got a hangover from last night, and I need to sleep."

In the ensuing fracas, Akane and Nabiki both forgot that Ukyo existed, and pointed at Kasumi. The logic behind the choice?

"Sis, you've already spent time with him! You know how to get rid of him! And plus," Akane looked at the half-girl with a hint of uncertainty, "she's only a boy half the time."

Kasumi knew she was cornered, knew that this would happen ever since she'd been told the truth. So she decided to pull her trump card. "But, Mr. Saotome-"

"SENSEI!!"

"Sensei, I really don't like Ranma like that. We're just friends!"

That was followed by a nervous chuckle from Ranma. 'Thank the kami it's only that.' Genma did not seem amused by this claim, nor did he entirely believe it.

Akane's anger was beginning to return to earlier levels from this defense of the deviant. "Wait- you're friends with that pervert?"

Her sister nodded, muttering, "Well, he was nicer to me than Panda-san..."

Nabiki sensed that the tide had turned, and spoke up. "Actually, I think that Akane should marry Ranma."

Kasumi's face fell to the floor. Genma raised one of his eyebrows, interested in this new development. Soun ducked for cover. Akane's focus shifted from one sister to the other.

Ranma scoffed at the statement, then looked at Akane. "Pul-eeze. That tomboy? Just look at her! She's way too violent, and plus," she took the girliest pose she could think of, "I'm better built to boot."

Kasumi had to restrain her younger sister from beating Ranma into a bloody pulp with her mallet. She struggled with her restraints, shouting, "Nabiki, I thought you were on my side here!"

"Well, it's like you said, she's only a guy half the time." Ranma could feel his ego getting stabbed in the back.

"Besides, you and I both know that you've got issues with the opposite sex..." She continued with a series of questionable and almost certainly obscene finger gestures that got a howl of disgust from Akane and a look of bewilderment from both Kasumi and Ranma.

"Damn it Sis, I am not a lesbian!!

"Then you should be happy that you're marrying him."

"But-"

Genma stepped between the two siblings, grabbed all four of the children, and shouted to the room the following announcement. "That's it! Since none of you pansies are smart enough to make a quick decision, I'll do it for you: Ranma is now engaged to Akane and Kasumi!"

Kasumi's eyes bulged slightly. "Oh, my."

* * *

A couple of blocks away, in a large mansion, a crazed black haired kendo master was glancing obsessively at a picture of a certain Tendo. (Here we go...)

"Ah, my dear flower," sighed Kuno, "I shall date you!"

Just then, he shuddered uncontrollably. "I sense... a disturbance in the Force..."

Unseen to the deranged student, the family butler entered the room. Not really a major character in this story, he merely looked like your average, boring British butler. How's that for a lazy description?

"SOMEONE HAS SET THEIR SIGHTS ON MY AKANE!!" He took out his kendo stick, waving it in the air. "I will destroy the infidel, and-"

Just then, a dart hit Kuno in the neck. His hands grabbed at the site where the projectile had landed, and he collapsed to the ground.

The butler put away his portable blow dart launcher, speaking to his master's sleeping body. "Sir, you know the rules! You start shouting about revenge and black magic in the house and I have to use the medicine!"

He walked back to the kitchen, adding, "I don't even want to know how you came up with that bull excuse about another suitor for Ms. Tendo, she's already got every boy in school after her."

As he prepared to continue reading his copy of the new Harry Potter book (so he could create T-shirts to spoil the ending for others), he muttered, "It's bad enough that Ms. Kodachi is recovering from her brain surgery, but you, Mr. Kuno, are the worst!"

* * *

Ranma couldn't get to sleep that night. He wasn't worried about the engagement- no, he was worried about something else. Tomorrow was his first day of school, and there was bad blood between him and the institution.

To make a long story short, Ranma and school were like oil and water, peanut butter and ladies, pirates and ninjas. They'd never been on good terms, and never would. His only reprieve was that tomorrow was also Friday, so he'd only have to do it once this week.

Kasumi, who was sleeping in her own room for the first time in years, was slightly miffed at the prospect of being muscled back into school. She was older than Nabiki and Akane, yet she'd been told by the crazed principal of the school (who had kept eating pineapples throughout their meeting) that, despite her perfect score on the placement test, she would be placed in Ranma and Akane's class.

As her eyes finally began to close, her thoughts turned to the events that'd occurred during their brief stay at the Amazon community. Somehow, she had a funny feeling that she hadn't seen the last of the purple-haired fighter...

* * *

When she woke up the next day, Kasumi looked around, finding that her old room had subtly changed while she had been gone. She'd noticed it last night, but it had become more obvious since then. Especially the books in her old book case.

'I don't remember reading THAT many cooking books...'

After walking down the stairs, Kasumi tried her hand at cooking for the family. It wasn't that much different than how it had been while she was away. She did the cooking while everyone else did their own thing.

Kasumi walked to class with Ranma, Nabiki, and Akane, each of them wearing their school uniforms, her nose still in the book that the Tour Guide had given her. Her sister and friend, however-

"Sheesh, how many times do I have to tell ya? I wasn't trying to take a peek at anything!"

"Ranma no baka!!" She swung her mallet at the boy, who dodged her assault this time.

This continued for some time. Kasumi had nearly completed the third chapter of her first book (Words That'll Save Your Life While Being a Tourist) when the trio finally reached the gates of Furikan High. There was a large rumbling sound, like an earthquake, or Ranma's stomach. Akane sighed, and then cracked her knuckles.

The front doors of the school burst open, and it appeared as if every male (and a few females) in the school rushed out to greet the violent sixteen-year old.

The ensuing fight between the student body and Akane was like a fight from a Quentin Tarantino movie- fast, bloody, and stylish.

In the span of five to seven minutes, every challenger was lying on the ground, beaten senselessly by the youngest Tendo and her bento.

There was a clapping noise echoing from the shadows, and a black-haired teen stepped forth from it, wearing robes and sandals of some kind. There was a sharp piece of wood by his side, and his hands continued clapping. He would actually be somewhat attractive if he wasn't crazy. "Good morning, my dark goddess of love. Have you finally decided to date Tatewaki Kuno... THE BLUE THUNDER?!"

There was a loud crash of blue lighting that, initially, seemed to come from nowhere. But a second glance at the sky revealed that there was a storm brewing.

"In your dreams, Kuno."

Ranma turned away from the sight of the two staring each other down to talk to Nabiki. "Does this happen every day?"

"Yea. It all started with that guy. He made this outrageous claim that anyone who wanted to date her," pointing to her bento-wielding sister, "would have to beat her in combat. So, naturally, with Akane suddenly off-limits-"

Ranma finished Nabiki's statement. "-she became the hottest item on the market."

Nabiki's eyebrows arched at the martial artist's wisdom. "Well, yes. He thinks that if he can beat Akane in a fight, then she'll finally 'see the error of her ways' and go out with him."

Ranma turned his attention back to the kendoman. "Screw this. That guy's friggin crazy." He ran over to where the two were circling.

Nabiki then looked at her older sister. Kasumi looked back, shrugged, and then followed Ranma, hoping that she could stop Ranma from performing one of his usual acts of stupidity.

Before Kuno could begin, Ranma had gotten in between him and his prey. "Okay buddy, she may be as violent as all hell, but that's really no way to treat her."

"THAT'S UPPERCLASSMAN TO YOU, UNGRATEFUL PUP!!" His sword jerked unnervingly, as if it had a mind of its own.

Akanea stared angrily at the veiled threat. "Ranma! What are you-"

Before she could finished, Kasumi butted in. "Excuse my friend, but he has a point. Please stop threatening her."

Ranma looked at his old friend. "Kasumi-"

Kuno's eye turned from Ranma to Kasumi. "Well, hello there, my beauteous Kasumi. How you doin'?" He had tried doing an impression of something he saw on the boob tube, but it came off as creepy instead of charming.

Akane's anger vein was back. "YOU do way too much thinking with your little head! You're hitting on my sister!"

She prepared to slug him, but Ranma started in on him first, throwing his punches at a blinding speed. Kuno had attempted to hit the speedy 

pigtailed boy, but didn't even finish trying to slash the air before he fell to the ground, his chest covered with early signs of heavy bruising.

Ranma's hands went to his side as thunder rang out through the sky. There was a bruise where Tatewaki had tried to hit him. 'He got lucky.' Kasumi looked up as well. "Ranma, I think it's about to rain."

The school bell also began to ring as Akane turned her attention to her watch. "Kasumi, I think we're late for class."

* * *

They made it inside right as the rain began to fall, but they failed at sneaking into the classroom. He made Ranma and Kasumi introduce themselves to the class, and that's when things got weird- well, weirder than usual.

Ranma was no stranger to attention from others- this time, the guys in the class had the look of envy in their eyes, probably as they realized that the new guy was buff, uber buff. One guy in the back thought flabbergasted, 'Does the new kid have a permit for those guns?'

Kasumi could feel the eyes boring in on her as she sat in her chair, which was next to Ranma and Akane. What made her uncomfortable was that all of the eyes that were staring at her belonged to girls, each pair slightly glazed over with a hint of something that she couldn't place.

Akane was just pissed at the fact that every girl in the class was leering at her eldest sister. 'My God, since when were all my friends lesbians?'

The teacher sighed and began the day's lesson. "Today, we will learn about the concept of Hammerspace, and why angry anime females are able to pull out oversized hammers in absurdly comedic situations..."

One floor directly up from where the three of them were sitting, Kuno was staring at the blackboard, not really caring about the general chatter. "I can't believe that ingrate Saotome managed to defeat me! I must've let my guard down."

He turned around to speak with the middle Tendo sister, Nabiki. "Nabiki, what do you know about that... boy and your sisters?"

She gave him a smirk that would've given smarter men chills. "Well, you know the rules, Kuno baby..."

He put two thousand yen on the table. "Here. Now tell me about the miscreant."

She counted the money before stuffing it into a secret spot. "Ranma's a bit arrogant, but he seems to be an alright guy." That got Kuno's 

attention, and Nabiki saw the birth of a very long, very lucrative business venture.

"He's also engaged to Akane."

The upperclassman froze. "I'm sorry, I'm not sure that I caught that right. I think you just said that he was being set aflame."

"No, I said that he's engaged to be married to Akane."

That's what he thought he heard, and the effect was immediate. "SAY WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!"

All of the people in the class stopped in their tracks, the teacher not moving his piece of chalk in fear of making something explode.

"Yea, and he's living with her at her place."

Kuno's face could now be mistaken for a dodgeball for all the blood that had gone to his face. "THAT FIEND!!"

'One more for good measure...' "And he's also engaged to my other sister, Kasumi."

Kuno's fist, meet Kuno's desk. The latter of which promptly shattered from the force of said fist. "SAOTOME!!"

One floor below, the collective class looked at the ceiling in a combination of amazement (from Ranma and Kasumi), anger (from Akane), and boredom (from everyone else).

Yuka, the girl in the second row, spoke up first. "What's he upset about this time?"

THUD. There was a large commotion on the ceiling, followed by several more following it. One of the ceiling tiles became dislodged, and fell to the floor.

Finally, the ceiling collapsed, and one severely judgment-impaired upperclassman emerged from the debris. Ranma was staring at the demented Kuno, asking rhetorically, "Am I crazy, or did you just punch your way through the ceiling?"

"SAOTOME! HOW DARE YOU TAKE THE FEISTY GODDESS AKANE AND THE SILENT BEAUTY KASUMI AS YOUR WIVES!!"

There was a massive amount of scraping; the desks surrounding the three housemates had backed away from them.

Ranma, Kasumi, and Akane all frantically looked at each other, and tried to give the simplified version of the engagement- which is hard to do when two other people are trying to do at the same time.

"He's just a friend-"

"That uncute-"

"That pervert-"

"-only a good friend-"

"-violent psycho-"

"-grrrr...RANMA NO BAKA!" WHACK! Her wooden mallet hit the floor.

"Ya missed, you little-" CONG!! She used the "Steel Hammer of 20 Baka Slaying" this time.

Akane, Kasumi, and Kuno stared each other down in what can best be described as a Mexican standoff- nobody would win, everybody would burn.

"Kuno-san, just back off." Ranma wasn't sure if he was still delirious from Akane's hammer- he thought he just heard Kasumi tell someone off... and she wasn't being nice about it.

"Ah, my fair lady, why do you resist the most virtuous of all men?" He took Kasumi's hand, kneeled in front of her, and kissed it. A very chivalrous thing to do... but this ain't Medieval Europe.

This had to have been the angriest that Ranma had ever seen Kasumi, angrier than she had been during any of their sparring matches or fights. Her eyes lit up in furious anger, her teeth clenched tightly, and her muscles tightened.

She pulled the offending hand, which brought the oblivious Kuno to his feet. With that, she flung said hand off her person with enough force to throw the man out of the window- which is exactly what happened.

It had all happened so fast, that Ranma didn't have time to get out of the way, and collided with this madman on his way out. They crashed through the window, and began to fall two stories into the ground.

Fortunately, Ranma managed to grab onto a rusty flag pole nearby, still two stories up.

After the window shattered from Kasumi's outburst, she exhaled loudly, trying to put the anger into a little box, and store it in a big room filled with anger cubes, ala Raiders of the Lost Ark. 'I don't think I've ever been that... forceful.'

The girls all moved so they could get a good look at Kasumi, while all the boys flocked to the window.

It seemed that beating off Kuno's advances was enough to turn many girls from 'interested' to 'OMFG-SHE'S-HAWT'. They congratulated her, offering many things, from chocolates to lunch boxes to some more, well, racy things. Kasumi blushed at all the attention- usually it was Ranma who was in the spotlight, after a particularly flashy battle, or even Genma, after that time he had stolen seventeen loaves of bread and repeatedly attempted to get away from the angry mobs.

The boys stared at Kuno, who had a death grip of Ranma, who in turn, had a tight grip on the flag pole. There was a crack, and the pole moved slightly- the mast would not be able to support their weight for long.

"You know, I just thought of something."

Several of the boys turned their heads to look at the teacher. "That Ranma kid has two fiancés, and I'm pretty sure that none of you have girlfriends."

There was a brief (but awkward) silence, before a collective yell emanated from the room. "DAMN YOU, SAOTOME!!"

The flagpole broke from the vibrations given off by the shout. Ranma looked down, and saw good and bad news.

Kasumi made her way to the window, and saw it as well.

Good news: Ranma wouldn't be hitting solid concrete when he hit the ground.

Bad news: Ranma would instead, be hitting the pool. And that pool was going to be very cold. Which would set off...well...you get the idea.

'Oh, crud. I'm gonna turn into a girl in front of this bozo?'

'Oh, my. I let my emotions get the better of me for one second, and I end up spoiling Ranma's secret.'

* * *

(opens closet door, lets announcer out)

Next time on Ranma 1/2:

Ranma confronts Kuno! Will Kuno pay attention, or will his eyes wander?

Kasumi's got her own problems in the mean while! How will she handle the attention from her classmates?

Another challenger steps forward! Who is this woman, why is she so familiar, and why on earth can't she speak Japanese very well?

(And for that matter, why on God's green earth is Kasumi such a hawt little-)

SMACK!!

All this and more, in the next episode of Ranma 1/2!!

(shoves announcer back in closet)

Wait, aren't you going to give me some food this time?

(opens closet door, throws a large gorgonzola at the announcer, and recloses closet door)

(cue butchered theme song)

* * *

A Guide for the Japanese Challenged

Sensei- If you didn't pay attention last time, see Chapter 1.

Judo chop- Watch Austin Powers. That is all I will say.

Hammerspace- This isn't a Japanese term, but this pops up in a large number of manga/anime. Every girl who is humiliated by perverts, old men, or incompetent suitors can pull hammers from nowhere and strike them full force. Usable in comedic situations only.

"Ranma no baka!"- Loosely translated as "Ranma, you idiot!"

'-san'- Honorific suffix, polite term for 'person'. Used often in formal conversation (or in the Karate Kid).

Bento- Japanese lunchbox.


	3. The Chinese Bimbo Strikes!

(cue starved announcer)

I hope you're happy.

(I am.)

Last time, on Ranma 1/2-

Ranma has been engaged to BOTH Kasumi and Akane. WTF were they thinking?

Akane delivered the smackdown on half the student body.

Ranma punched the living daylights out of the Big Blunder-

CRACK!

I mean, the Blue Thunder.

Speaking of the Blue Thunder, Tatewaki Kuno has discovered the engagement, and Ranma is now on the verge of having his darkest secret discovered by the entire school body (which is still reeling from Akane's merciless beating).

Stay tuned for another great episode of Ranma 1/2!

(throws announcer off of a cliff)

I'm not dead yet!

* * *

Episode 3: Old Faces, New Headaches!

* * *

There was a large splash, and Ranma found herself submerged in the icy cold depths of the school pool. She couldn't see Kuno anywhere- he must have landed on the concrete instead of the pool.

She looked down at her newly present bosom, and found two hands grabbing on to it tightly. She looked at her own hands- they were floating next to her.

The redhead turned around to find Kuno, arms wrapped around her, his eyes bulging as if someone had thrown a brick into his face. Angered by his groping, Ranma punched him hard enough to launch the man out of the pool.

As she climbed out of the pool like a drenched dog, Kuno got out on the other side, staring at her.

Kuno wasn't the brightest of men, but he knew something was different. Ranma, the man who had become engaged to the two objects of his eye, had disappeared, and been replaced by this raven-haired... exotic... woman...

He let very unusual fantasies involving all the girls take him for a quick drive. "Stop staring, ya pervert!"

That brought him out of his reverie, and he remembered that he was in the middle of a fight. He also came to a snap judgment about his absent nemesis. "Saotome, not only are you a coward and an ingrate, you're also a SUMMONER! Now come out here and release this exotic woman from the slavery you've tricked her into!!"

Like I said, not the most intelligent of men.

Ranma sped toward the delusional Kuno, delivering a sucker punch to the face, which caused him to fall to the ground. As the lights went out in the Blue Thunder's head, he decided that there were now three women worthy of dating the manliest man around.

* * *

After an hour of trying to calm the school down from the brouhaha of the fight between Kuno and Ranma, class was dismissed for the day. Generally, as the teacher had found out, it's fairly difficult to instruct students about Hammerspace or Tokugawa when one of the walls has been knocked down.

Trying to get home was a bit of a challenge- several classmates, all of them female, had tried to follow the Tendo clan (Ranma included) home. Oddly enough, it was Nabiki who got them off of their tale, by simply talking to them. The collective look on Nabiki's and the crowd's faces worried the remaining students greatly.

So when they finally got home, Ranma decided to spend the rest of her day training. Kuno had gotten off a fairly speedy shot at her ribs, and she was lucky to have gotten away with only that.

As she put a swift high kick into the hanging bag, her thoughts turned to the subject that had ended classes early: the engagement.

On one hand, she had Kasumi, good ol' Kasumi. One of the greatest friends that she could've ever asked for. But there was no spark, no romance, and definitely no sexual tension between the two of them. Plus, as Kasumi had told her the night before they went to China, she was "bored by younger men and their wooing".

The other option was Akane, and that option was dead out. She had been nice to her when she was a girl, but hated the prospect of marrying him, even if he was a woman half the time. She hated it so much that she used violent tactics constantly. Just the mere mention of the word 'innazuke' was enough to bring out the hammer. And plus, once he found a cure, he'd be 100 man all the way.

Either way, he'd lose. So, typical situation for him.

The door to the dojo opened, and Nabiki stuck her head in. "Ranma, the water's ready."

She started walking toward the door, but Nabiki told her to stop. She placed the kettle within eyeshot and said, "Ranma, you can have it... if the price is right!"

Ignoring how much she sounded like Bob Barker when she said that, Ranma glared at her. "I'm not paying for the cure, Nabiki. Now just give me-"

Nabiki began pouring the water all over the dojo floor, steam escaping from the kettle as the water poured out. Ranma ran to the door, but the kettle had completely emptied when she arrived.

"Whoops! I guess my hands were too clumsy!" she falsely apologized. "I guess that's what happens," she said, before pausing for dramatic effect and whispering, "when I don't get paid!"

The door closed after her, and Ranma couldn't believe that she had nearly paid for that. She walked back and worked out her frustrations on the target.

"Stupid- ungh- penny-pinching-"

Her kata was interrupted by a loud crash, the kind that Ranma had made earlier that day when he and Kuno went through the wall. A person-sized chunk of the wall directly in front of Ranma had broken forth, and there was a silhouette of a woman wielding what appeared to be a bonbori.

* * *

(announcer climbs back up cliff)

Wait a moment... Shampoo doesn't show up for another couple episodes! What gi-

(kicks announcer back off cliff, throws rabid squirrels at his falling body)

* * *

Kasumi had just started pouring spaghetti out of the pot when she heard it. A loud crash, followed by a louder one, and then Ranma flew backwards into the room, colliding with her and causing both to fall onto the ground.

They both stood up to find the champion of the Amazon village had returned, standing in the bare doorway of the kitchen, a dark and solemn look in her eye. She pointed at Ranma, then Kasumi, and spoke in Mandarin, "You have offended the honor of my village. Prepare to die!"

Of course, Ranma didn't speak Chinese, so the details of the message were lost on him. Kasumi understood maybe half of the threat. "I caught the words 'have', 'honor', 'village', and 'die'. Maybe since we have honor, we have to save her village from death!"

Ranma and the warrior sweatdropped, but Ranma understood the gist of the message. "I'm thinkin' it's a fight she wants!"

She almost began to attack, but was interrupted by Kasumi. "Ranma, wait! I can speak a little of her tongue, maybe I can interpret!"

"Kasumi, you just misread a death threat for a plea of help."

She didn't care, and started negotiations. -"You speak Japanese?"-

Xian Pu was stunned that one of these foreign barbarians could speak her native tongue without a book. -"Not very well. Why aren't you fighting me?"-

Kasumi looked at Ranma for a short-lived epoch before answering the question. -"I no want fight. This all... mistake."- She struggled on the word 'mistake', barely remembering it.

-"This can't be a mistake! You have offended my people!"- She lunged at Kasumi, bonbori aimed at her head. Kasumi barely sidestepped the swing in time, kicking at the Chinese teen's torso.

She made contact, and her opponent nearly dropped her weapon. Ranma followed up Kasumi's kick with a series of punches, half of which hit the combatant. From what Ranma could tell, she'd improved her technique greatly since the tournament that they had watched. If they had fought at that point, Ranma could've beaten her in less than ten seconds, like she had done against Akane. But now, she wasn't quite so sure she could do it as fast- but she'd sure as hell give it a good run.

Just then, there was more Chinese being shouted, not being spoken by the girl nor Kasumi. Whatever had been said, the foreign girl stopped and flipped backwards toward the door.

Adrenaline was coursing through Ranma's veins, prepared to strike at what she thought was maybe her husband-

But what crossed into the kitchen was no man. The woman was old, very old, and time hadn't exactly helped her look young. She was also very short, about half of Ranma's height (and she was shorter than most to begin with).

The old woman whispered into the taller one's ear, nodding for some time. Finally, the elder of the two walked to the highly puzzled residents of the house. "My name is Kho Lon. I suppose you two are wondering why we're here."

They were surprised that this one could speak fluent Japanese. "Yea, ya old hag! Why's she barging in here and trying to open up a can of whoop-"

Kho Lon was gone, now suddenly perched on Ranma's shoulder. "Be careful what you say, girl."

"Girl? I ain't no girl!"

"Well, that would make you a crossdresser, wouldn't it?"

She turned her attention to Kasumi, giving up on the first offender. "You, other girl. Do you remember who we are?"

Kasumi nodded. "Do you know why we're here?"

"I can't say that I do... but she," gesturing toward the purple haired one, "said something about death."

"That is my great-granddaughter, Xian Pu." She sized up both of the girls before continuing.

The redhead was very brash and egotistical, both unfortunate qualities. However, Kho Lon could tell that this one was extremely talented, and loved to fight. 'Good thing I trained Granddaughter excruciatingly hard on the way to this place.' Finally, there was something... off about the chi she gave off. It was distorted and warped in a way that seemed very familiar, but she couldn't quite place it at the moment. In her eyes, Kho Lon could see the end of a thousand victorious battles, as well as confusion.

The taller of the two was more of a mystery. She appeared to be, at the moment, on equal footing with the redhead in terms of ability. Unlike her counterpart however, she also seemed extremely reluctant to fight. The Amazon matriarch wasn't sure whether it was a personal preference or not. As she peered into the eyes of this one, she wasn't quite sure what she saw. It appeared to be sadness at first glance, but whatever it was, it was quickly hidden away. 'This one seems to have just as many issues as the other, although I'm not sure why.'

"You two, along with your pet panda, dishonored our village by eating the champion's feast. The punishment is death, unless-" she paused, glancing at her daughter, "either of you can defeat my daughter in a fight."

Ranma looked at the woman who had assaulted her in the dojo. She had taken a few hits, but she didn't appear to have broken a sweat. Despite her newly improved skill, Ranma was still confident that she could defeat the outsider. "Fine, you old hag. Name the time and place, and we'll do this."

Cologne's eyebrow arched at the 'old hag' remark, but she didn't react otherwise. "Tomorrow, at noon. Just stay here. Do not be late." She left the room, and gestured for the Amazon title holder to follow.

As she did so, she turned back to look at the two she had been hunting down since the tournament. Both of Genma's students noticed that the need to prove herself had vanished from Xian Pu's eyes, now replaced with something different. It was almost a look of sadness, or even longing. She ran out of the room, trying to catch up to her.

As the two challengers exited the kitchen through one door, Nabiki entered through the other, holding a very fancy envelope, like the kind that is sent out for weddings and really high-brow parties. "Ranma, this letter is for you."

"Kasumi, can you get me some hot water?"

Kasumi poured the remaining contents of the spaghetti that she had been cooking onto Ranma's head. Despite the presence of a few stray noodles, he was returned to his natural state.

He took the envelope from Nabiki before she could try to make him pay for his own mail, and looked at the front of the cover. "Nabiki, this is addressed to the "Enslaving Summoner of Furikan High"."

"Kuno has a bit of an overactive imagination."

'Just a bit?' Ranma thought. He opened the envelope to find a piece of parchment that was just as fancy-pants as the envelope had been, with writing ornate enough to be considered a form of art. 'I guess Kuno had to be good as SOMETHING.'

* * *

To the magic-wielding, woman-snaring, despicable summoner Saotome:

Today's defeat was nothing more than a fluke- I went easy on you, because I thought that you could not handle the full fledged fury of the 'Blue Thunder'.

* * *

As he read that part, the distinct crack of thunder could be heard, followed by the whinny of a horse.

"What is up with the weather?!"

* * *

However, you have left me no choice but to unleash the years of training I have spent in the art of kendo to destroy you and your black magic- thereby freeing Akane, Kasumi, and the striking redhead from your pernicious grasp. Meet me tomorrow at noon in front of the entrance hall to the school for you to discuss your imminent demise.

Hoping that you burn in the fires that spawned you,

Tatewaki Kuno

PS: You suck. Majorly.

* * *

'Okay- he's also good at formal BS.'

Ranma reread the letter before looking at Kasumi. "Tomorrow? In front of the school? But that crazy Old Hag and her daughter are supposed to meet us here at noon!"

Nabiki realized the dilemma at hand, but her voice did not give off a single shred of sympathy. "The school is at least twenty minutes away. You'd never make it back in time." She reread the letter, adding, "I'm surprised that he knew how to use the word 'pernicious' correctly."

Ranma chuckled a tad, before remarking, "I don't know any techniques that'll help me stop time or anything. I'm not Superman or anything."

She looked around the room, trying to think of ways to move really fast. 'Akane could hit me with the hammer- but there's no real way to make sure I land at the school and not on the Moon.'

Her wandering eyes finally found Kasumi, which made the light bulbs go off in her head. "Kasumi, maybe you could fight Shampoo." He had butchered the name, but he didn't know it.

"I'm not really sure I can, Ranma-chan."

"Yea, you could! And it would work, Kasumi! You've gone through just about every training exercise that I have, so there's just about no way you can lose!"

Kasumi looked down at the ground, her two pointer fingers gesturing as if they'd been bound by an invisible Chinese finger trap. "Not the Neko-ken..."

Ranma could literally feel a cold sweat running down his back. "Trust me, you lucked out when Pop said he could only pay for one of us to do it."

She shook her head again. "Ranma, you know that I can't fight as well as you."

"That's only because you hold yourself back too much." He smiled, and continued, "You could probably give me a run for my yen if you really tried." Nabiki's ears perked for a moment at the word 'yen'.

Kasumi hesitated before making her decision. "Alright, Ranma. But if they start trying-"

"You worry too much-" His inspirational speech was cut off by the scent of food. "Is that spaghetti ready?

* * *

The next morning, trying to eat breakfast without trying to kill someone was like trying to climb Mount Everest naked- It was impossible.

As the clock ticked toward 11:30, Ranma finished trying to get last snacks before leaving the house to go foil Kuno's crazed attempt at 

'taking what was rightfully his'. As he left the house, he was immediately drenched by a stray burst of water from the next door neighbor, who was trying to water her flowers.

It was now 11:50. Kasumi had been sitting at the table for the better part of twenty minutes, trying to relax. She was either queasy, or hungry, she couldn't tell which. Either way, her face appeared to be an odd shade of green.

One of the people in the house noticed this and walked right over. "Miss Kasumi, are you alright? Did you try to eat Akane-chan's cooking again?"

Despite the nervousness, Kasumi gave her a genuine smile. "I'll be fine, Hinako. Don't worry about me." Hinako sat down next to her anyway.

"Kasumi, I need to ask you something."

"What?"

Hinako was very clearly hesitating to ask it, as if in fear of being vaporized by the woman's skills. "About the engagement..."

Kasumi looked at the clock again. 11:56. "Yes?"

"Are you sure you can't just marry Ranma? Isn't there a tiny part of you that wants Ranma-san that way?"

She paused, trying to word her response carefully. "Ranma and I are like brother and sister, Hinako. It just seems wrong to me." She looked at Hinako, and saw that she had been saddened somehow. "Why do you ask, Hinako? Are you concerned for your sensei?"

There was a slight blush across her cheeks. "Well, yea! She's kinda sad, and she's getting angry at me when I mess up. She never gets angry at me, she's always been really good to me! She even gave me the spare Halloween candy last year!"

Kasumi giggled, and there was a loud banging on the door. Kasumi checked the time. 11:59. 'I guess there's no avoiding it now.'

"Hinako, you said that Akane's not in the mood to teach you today, right?"

"Yes..." Hinako didn't understand the relevance of the question.

"W-Would you like to watch me fight?" That had been a big step for her- she got nervous when people watched her try to do anything.

She squealed with excitement. "Kasumi-san, I'd love to! Akane-chan always says that watching a fight can be as useful as actually fighting!"

* * *

'No answer at the door. Perhaps the two left town.'

Kho Lon looked at her student. Xian Pu had already explained to her why she wasn't feeling 100 today, but that was no excuse.

-"Grandaughter, you must understand. This is the way that things must be. It's the Code of the Amazons."-

Xian Pu looked at her teacher. -"Village Elder, I don't want to kill them! If they had humiliated me further, and I had given them the Kiss-"-

-"Enough for now. Stand tall, the door is opening."-

Indeed it was. Kasumi stepped through the door, little Hinako right behind her. It became obvious to both that she had been very reluctant to open that door. "Is it that time already?"

The old woman nodded. "Where's the redhead? Did she run off?"

"No. Ranma is busy fighting off a different death threat at the moment."

Kho Lon did not hesitate for a moment. "Then, it appears that you will be the one to fight Xian Pu."

Kasumi looked to Kho Lon's left and blushed. Shampoo was dressed in the standard Amazon tournament garb (which meant that it left little to the imagination), bonbori in her hands. She made a nervous cutting motion across her neck, and Kasumi quickly understood that something didn't quite add up.

"What about the little one?"

Hinako appeared affronted with the prospect of being called 'little', because she replied, "Ma'am, I'm taller than you! Don't even talk about 'little'!"

Kasumi hushed the young girl, whispering in her ear, "Please, I've already upset them enough. Please don't antagonize them."

The walk to the site of the battle was thick with tension. Kasumi felt like each step she took was one more step towards her demise. Hinako, not knowing the stakes of the upcoming battle, was cheerful, telling her sensei's sister how cool it was that she could fight. Kho Lon was, on the surface, unemotional, trying to remain relatively neutral. Xian Pu didn't show any emotion, but her stance indicated (in Kasumi's eyes, at least) reluctance. 'At least I'm not the only one.'

Finally, the party of four arrived in one of the deepest parts of the nearby forest. The Amazon Elder told Kasumi to stand still while she and her accomplice walked away for a few feet.

Kasumi stared at the two, trying to focus on the task at hand.

The old crone finally walked to point far enough from the soon-to-be fracas to objectively observe the fight. Hinako silently walked over to her side, trying to get a good seat for the show.

At an unspoken signal, Shampoo (She thought she was pronouncing the name right.) ran at the brunette, bonbori raised for a horizontal swing. Kasumi crouched, the weapon narrowly missing her skull. As the mace passed over, Kasumi kicked her right foot at the feet of her opponent, trying to throw her off balance.

It worked. Shampoo found herself on her back, the weapon that she had planned to use for bashing Kasumi's brains out now lost to the woods.

Quickly, Kasumi rose from her position, trying to end the battle before it got deadly. He jumped at her opponent, her limbs entangling with the Amazon's, as they went from 'martial-arts' mode to 'wrestling' mode.

Lavender hair mixed in with chocolate as the two rolled on the ground, jostling for position like a bunch of race horses. Back and forth, Kasumi and Shampoo exchanged positions, top and bottom, down and up, back and forth, to and fro, and so on, and so on. You get the idea.

Finally, without warning, the two stopped, exhausted for the ground rolling. As they stopped to catch a breath, they refused to let go of each other, each fearing that they would be quickly defeated if they did. They stared at each other, not understanding why the other just stayed there, staring back.

Shampoo could barely hear her elder yelling at her to finish the fight. Hinako shouted at Kasumi, trying to figure out why all the awesome stuff had ended.

In that moment, something clicked in Shampoo's head, unbeknownst to any of her spectators. As they both finally released each other, Shampoo stood up, and did nothing.

As Kasumi regained her bearings, she could see her opponent, staring at her, no longer with anger, but with something similar to what Kasumi had seen back at the house: an unwillingness to kill (at least for the moment), now combined with something else that she couldn't comprehend.

Nonetheless, she had to win the fight. The oldest of the Tendo sisters wasn't about to let this drag out anymore. She darted forward, fists clenched tightly, as she delivered a solid blow to the jaw.

Shampoo never tried to stop her. She fell over, hitting the ground without any attempt to fight back. The proud warrior stayed still, not budging an inch. After a closer inspection, Kasumi could see that the Chinese woman had briefly lost consciousness. She looked at the injuries that she had given her... nemesis? That wasn't quite the right word for her.

The old hag yelled barked at her great-granddaughter as she went into the woods, using the word "chance". The words seemed to have an effect on the woman- she stood up as Cologne threw the bonbori back into her hands.

As the Amazon elder returned to her position, she explained to the woman who had helped offend her village. "I'm sorry, but your victory shall be short-lived. By the rules of our village, you have been administered the Kiss of Death. Shampoo and I must now hunt you down to the ends of the earth and destroy you."

Hinako's head whipped around to face Cologne. "And she wasn't trying to kill her before?!"

"No. I made sure that she'd lose the first round so that she couldn't have that excuse of 'She never actually beat me' being spouted out. Now, it's do or die."

Kasumi was still trying to absorb the fact that this the true battle may have only just begun, briefly taking her mind off of the fight. That brief moment of absent-mindedness allowed Shampoo to approach the victor of their previous battle.

Her eyes refocused on the pugilist in front of her. Kasumi's muscles tensed, not knowing from which direction Shampoo would strike.

As it turned out, it was from the direction of the head. Specifically, smack on the lips.

Shampoo had kissed Kasumi. The kiss itself was a little restrained, but forceful, with a mix of duty and dedication on her lips. Kasumi had never expected that her first kiss would be from another girl, even with those experiences at the Catholic school, even with all those leering classmates yesterday.

Finally, after what seemed a millennium, Xian Pu let go, making Kasumi stumble backward, confused, concerned, and half=concerned that she may have been poisoned from that nice kiss. 'Nice? Where did that come from?'

As she finally regained her footing, Shampoo's bonbori resumed its prime position to strike, her eyes giving off the intent to kill. Genma would have probably tried to run out of town in this kind of situation. And as soft-spoken and non-violent as Kasumi preferred to be, once the gauntlet was thrown, she felt obligated to finish the fight.

She raised her fists, prepared to give it the ol' one-two, one-two.

Kho Lon yelled in Chinese once more, but this time, Kasumi could understand the message. "DO IT! AVENGE OUR VILLAGE'S HONOR!!"

Hinako was no linguist, but understood what was going on. "NO!"

Time stood still as Shampoo waited for the brown-haired foreigner to run, just like all the others. But it never happened. She just stood there. 

She also spoke in her cute, but crude Chinese. -"You want kill? Fine. But I no give it you!"-

Ten more seconds passed before Shampoo's mind was made. She checked, double-checked, and triple-checked the laws of her people in case this might happen, but she still couldn't believe that it had actually occurred. It was confusion and pure joy, fused into one moment.

She threw her weapon aside, knowing that she wouldn't need it for this.

Kho Lon, Hinako, and Kasumi all were dumbstruck by this action. Equally mystifying was that Shampoo had approached the Tendo again, but not in any proper stance to fight back with.

-"Why you- What you want?"-

The words had escaped her mouth before she even knew what she was saying. This was the most nervous Kasumi had been her entire life, but she couldn't figure out why. She peered into her killer's eyes. Where there was once reluctance, there was now joy and... desire? What the-

Her train of thought was cut off by another kiss, this one much more passionate, lasting until neither of them could breathe.

Shampoo's hand had somehow snuck up onto Kasumi's left cheek. The next words she spoke were full of promise and hope. "Wo ai ni. Wo da Airen."

Kasumi didn't need a translation for that, understanding the words "I", "you", and "love".

"Oh, my!"

She promptly swooned, hitting the ground like an old nun whose hip just exploded.

Cologne looked at her apprentice. -"Xian Pu?"-

-"Yes, Village Elder?"-

-"Why did you just give her the Kiss of Marriage?"-

* * *

(climbs back up cliff, squirell attached to his shoulder)

This is my job, ya know!

Next time, on Ranma 1/2:

The consequences begin to set in as Kasumi realized just what she's gotten herself into.

Ranma fights off an old friend from his school days.

And what's this? The spatula ninja returns!

All this and more, in our next-

(WE GET THE IDEA!!)

* * *

A Guide for the Japanese Challenged

bonbori- See Chapter 1, you non-attention giver!!

-chan- Japanese honorific, similar to '-san' or '-sensei'. This one translates into 'friend'. Simply put, it is used as a sign of friendship or affection of either the platonic or romantic variety (pending on context).

yen- Japanese currency

Neko- Cat. Any kind of cat.


	4. Now With 100 Percent More Crack!

Last time, on Ranma 1/2-

Ranma defeats Kuno! But another challenge from the crazy one has arrived!

And another challenger has arrived all the way from China! (A few episodes early...)

(hits announcer with foam bat)

What the? Shampoo has given the Kiss of Marriage to Kasumi! That's not right! That's not right at all!!

(has announcer committed to an asylum)

Don't make me take the pills!

* * *

Episode 4: Now With 100 Percent More Crack!

* * *

Kasumi finally started to regain consciousness several hours later. Someone had not only taken her home, but also had the courtesy to put her in bed.

She could hear a knocking on the door. It opened to reveal her father, of all people. He hugged her, crying, "I knew Genma could train you!"

Genma was apparently standing right next to him, stone-faced. "You did alright, from what Hinako said. Once you got past all of her womanly exaggerations."

Kasumi had every reason to believe that Genma only gave her this much credit because his old friend and her own father was standing next to him. Regardless, she took the back-handed compliment in stride. "Thank you. How was Ranma's fight, Mr. Saotome?"

"SENSEI!"

Soun stared at his old comrade before Genma continued. "He got sloppy. But he won."

That translated into, "He came, he saw, and he conquered."

Soun nodded. "Akane managed to get Ranma some hot water before Kuno caught sight of her."

The explanation was interrupted by an abrupt agreement in the front yard, with people yelling in tongues that Soun couldn't recognize. Genma, Kasumi, and Ranma (whose head was sticking out of the nearby door, trying to figure out what was going on) could place the language all too well.

The three of them ran down the stairs, past the dojo where Akane was talking to Hinako, past where Nabiki was counting her money, to the front door, to find the Old Hag and her apprentice arguing in Mandarin.

After twelve seconds, the two realized that they had attracted an audience. Shampoo stopped what she was doing, and play-tackled Kasumi.

It felt like all of the blood had gone to Kasumi's face. She couldn't escape. Shampoo's head was nuzzling- oh gods, she was nuzzling her "assets".

This PDA was met with various emotions, Tendo crying ("NOOO!"), Genma logical ('Hm... Ranma will have to redouble his efforts with Akane...'), Ranma puzzled ('Since when was Kasumi a chick magnet?'), and Kasumi dumbstruck ('I don't understand...').

Noticing the general uproar of both clans of the house, Kho Lon spoke up and introduced herself and her great-granddaughter. "I suppose you should know why my daughter is being so affectionate."

Akane and Nabiki now joined the rest of their family outside, Nabiki seeing nothing but little yen signs, whilst Akane was disturbed but intrigued.

"You see, she," pointing to Kasumi, who was finally starting to escape the loving death grip, "defeated my great-granddaughter in combat. Ordinarily, this would've resulted in my protégé hunting her to the ends of the earth-"

There was a sudden interjection from Ranma, of all people. "I knew I should'a fought her instead!"

"I SAID, ORDINARILY! But due to her actions, and one of our lesser-known bylaws- Kasumi, is it?"

The woman in question, who had finally escaped the hug, nodded, gasping for breath.

"Kasumi is now Xian's Pu's fiancé."

Beat. Tendo started to cry once more, his tears now watering the nearby flower garden. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!" His cry reverberated throughout the neighborhood, almost Darth-Vader-like in its echoes.

Sensing a future windfall in her business, Nabiki took a picture of the Amazon and her own sister and ran off to her room.

Genma shook his head before turning to Ranma. "This settles it. Ranma, unless Kasumi manages to break this off, you're marrying Akane."

Ranma and Akane simultaneously began trying to fight the elder Saotome.

"Uncute tomboy-"

"Pigheaded egotistical-"

"Better built to boot-"

"No sense of modesty-"

"Sad excuse for an innazuke-"

Trying to ignore the chaos of the shouting, Kasumi snuck back into her room and fell back asleep, trying to come to terms with just what had happened. 'Maybe this is all a creepy dream. Maybe I accidentally added some sake to the tea last night. Or maybe I accidentally ate Akane's cooking.'

* * *

Or maybe it was all real.

Kasumi woke up hours later, very warm and relaxed. And she also felt like she was lying against two incredibly comfortable pillows.

CLICK!

There was a bright flash, a scurry of footsteps, and the sound of a door closing. Kasumi had to take a moment to get her sight back. She turned to her side-

To find Shampoo with her arms wrapped around her, her breasts pressing against her. And she was naked. NAKED. Not even panties!

When the hell did that happen?

That's what would have gone through a normal person's mind, one who wasn't too shy to reveal what s/he was thinking. But Kasumi was much too embarrassed to think anything other than 'Oh my!', merely content to get herself free.

The door opened again as Kasumi stumbled out of bed, and in stepped Ranma.

"Kasumi, the baaaAAAAAHAHAAH!!"

He pointed at what he thought was impossible. The friend that he thought he knew so well, the pinnacle of innocence, Kasumi, had slept with-

"I swear Ranma, I didn't-"

"Ranma, dinner's- WHAT THE?!"

Akane had stepped in after Ranma, not believing her eyes either. She tried to turn around and pretend that this had never happened, but she 

bumped into Ranma, whose eyes had expanded to the size of tennis rackets. Soun ran up the stairs to see what all the screaming was about, looked for a brief second, and ran back downstairs before flooding the kitchen with his tears.

Kasumi didn't need to look to figure out what was going to happen next.

"Ranma, you pervert! Stop staring at my sister!!"

Said 'pervert' tried to get out of the way, but he just didn't have enough room to avoid the imminent hammer.

As she dragged Ranma out of the room, she noticed that one of Ranma's hands was clutching his side instead of his head, as per the usual. The other was grabbing at his neck, which was bent at an angle thought possible only by pretzels and Boy Scout knots.

"Ranma, I think you need to see a doctor."

Ranma looked at Kasumi (difficult, considering the angle of his neck) as if she had suggested for him to have sex with a boy AS a boy. "What?"

"That's the place where Kuno hit you yesterday. Akane, is there a doctor nearby?"

Akane nodded. "Tofu just came back into town; he should be able to help the pervert."

Every urge in Ranma's head screamed at him to deny it, but he found himself biting his tongue, trying to avoid the near-imminent blunt force trauma.

Akane, meanwhile, was trying to find some way out of directly escorting the boy-girl. "Kasumi, when's the last time you went to see the doctor?"

Kasumi leaned out the doorframe trying desperately not to awaken the Amazon in her bed. "...A few years ago. Why?"

A sweat drop ran down Akane's head as she got an idea. An awful idea. "Why don't you take Ranma to the doctor?"

"Akane, I don't know where the doctor is."

'Damn.' "Then you should come with me and Ranma to the doctor."

She added in her mind, 'Then I won't have to go alone with this idiot.'

Kasumi didn't nod, glancing at the bedroom. "I need to talk to, um..."

Her eyes wandered to her occupied bed. No more words needed to be said, with everyone walking away from the room, Ranma wincing in pain.

Once Genma was out of sight, Kasumi heard a yawn emanating from the direction of her bed. There was a large noise as well- something had 

cracked. She looked up, and the doorframe had partially separated from the rest of the house.

Xian Pu got out of the bed, looking frantically for something. She searched the bed, as if she was trying to find a lost teddy bear, before shifting her attention to the door.

Kasumi could hear footsteps, but no amount of warning could have prepared her for what happened next.

GLOMP!

Xian Pu essentially tackled her Airen to the ground. Kasumi's grip had only failed in part- her hands were still attached to the door frame. But the frame was now on the floor. The eldest Tendo's mind had shut down once more as she tried to figure out- oh kami, was Shampoo trying to snuggle with her on the floor?

Kasumi couldn't see it, but the Amazon's face was filled with glee. "Hello, Airen!"

The 'Airen' in question tried to turn to face the foreigner, only being able to do so with some difficulty. Shampoo was positioned directly above Kasumi, resting atop her prone body.

It took every fiber of Kasumi's will not to focus on the fact that Shampoo was as naked as the day she was born. After failing that, all the blood in her body went to her face once again. "Shampoo, why are you in my house?"

"Simple." She paused for a moment, trying to remember how to say it in Japanese, but she was never that good at the language. Finally, she pointed at the Tendo. "You Airen. You marry Xian Pu."

Kasumi's eyes widened. "What?! When did I do that?"

"Well, technically, you haven't done that yet."

Both pairs of eyes turned to find Kho Lon staring at them. -"Xian Pu, I take it you're trying to get to know your future wife, yes?"-

The lilac-haired one nodded in contentment. All Kasumi got out of that were the words 'yes', 'I', and 'wife'.

"Wife?" All this talk of wives and marriage was making Kasumi uneasy, to say the least.

The Elder nodded as she handed her descendant some clothes. After catching them, she walked to the restroom, Kasumi's eyes unwillingly following the intruder's departure. "Yes. As I told you before, you are to be married to Xian Pu."

Blink. 'Guess all of that was real.'

"But I'm a girl!"

"Yes, I know. Under ordinary circumstances, you would be dead by now. But our dealings with you and this...'Ranma'...have been anything but."

Kasumi finally stood up, not understanding why she hadn't done so before. Her left hand unconsciously went to her nose, revealing that she had a nosebleed. "I don't understand. How could this have happened?"

"I explained this to you earlier-"

"Then can you do it again, please?"

Kho Lon walked a few steps away from the woman before finding the right response. "When an outsider woman beats an Amazon, she is usually given the Kiss of Death, and the outsider is sentenced to be hunted down and killed by the warrior."

Parts of that made sense to Kasumi, but it didn't quite fit together with what had happened. "Then why did you follow us here? Neither Ranma or I ever beat Shampoo until yesterday!"

"True, but you did humiliate the village at large by eating the victory feast for our yearly tournament."

Footsteps echoed down the hall once more. Xian Pu was in eyesight once more, wearing a light purple shirt, with pants of a darker shade. She stopped just two feet away from the Tendo.

"Anyway, there's a very obscure bylaw involving the circumstances for giving the Kiss."

Xian Pu nodded. "Is true. Test of courage made after fight."

Kho Lon continued the explanation. "Usually, the outsider woman fails the test by running away. But the true victor chooses to face her fate."

"There reason law not known. Is no one who no run away for centuries." She hugged her Kasumi to accentuate this, who could only blush.

"Warriors who do not run are allowed to join the tribe, usually through the Kiss of Marriage, which is ordinarily given to male victors."

The words 'marriage', 'Airen', and 'engaged' were still echoing throughout Kasumi's mind. There was something else that was reverberating through her head as well, but she refused to believe THAT could be true. "I'm... supposed to marry..." As the words rolled off her tongue, an unusual shiver ran down her back.

"Yes."

Kasumi looked at Xian Pu, who smiled genuinely.

"Oh my."

* * *

The tension between Ranma and Akane was almost palpable. Neither one had said anything since they left the house. People had given them weird looks as they had been walking down the street, one little girl calling Ranma 'Pretzel Man'. But the thoughts running through the two's heads had been playing ad continuum since they'd gone.

'This is SO awkward.'

'Why didn't Kasumi come with me and this perv again?'

Thankfully, the trip had been a short one- Dr. Ono's office wasn't that far off.

As the door opened, the familiar bell rang, bringing the good Doctor's attention to the new arrivals. "Ah, good afternoon, Akane! Finally here for your app-"

Akane made a silent 'kill-it' gesture across her throat, to which Tofu quickly changed the subject. "Ah, and who's your friend, Akane?"

"Saotome Ranma." He clutched at his side again, mumbling in pain.

"Oh, that looks painful. Let me look at that for you." He gestured for Akane to sit down, while he went into one of the rooms down the hall, one Saotome in tow.

Tofu closed the door behind him as Ranma sat down on the patient's 'bed'. As the good Doctor picked up his stethoscope, he asked, "Ranma, how do you know Akane?"

"Uh..." He took off his shirt as Tofu put the cold metal instrument onto Ranma's bare skin.

"She's my innazuke."

The instrument fell out of Tofu's hand, proceeding to dangle in the air, anchored by his ears. Trying to regain his composure, he smoothly took the stethoscope off and looked at Ranma, trying to observe the object of his pain. "You're engaged to Akane?"

"Not willingly, but yea."

Tofu turned away, and walked towards the door. "Ranma, I need to get a certain medicine for your bruise. Could you wait here a moment, please?"

Without waiting for a response, he closed the door behind him, and reentered the waiting area. "Is this why you didn't come to your appointment yesterday, Akane?" His voice was calm and collected, without a trace of malice.

"It's more than that, Doc-"

"We can discuss this in more detail once I help Ranma." He walked into a nearby unmarked door, only to return a minute later with what appeared to be a green hair gel container.

He walked down the other hallway once again, passing all of the empty rooms, except the one that had a sign on the door, 'Do Not Disturb'. He opened the door he'd originally come from, only to find a girl wrestling with the tap from the nearby sink.

"COLD! COLD!! Why didn't anyone tell me that this sink was broken?!"

Quickly, Tofu turned off the faucet. "I guess I'll have to call a plumber this ti-" He was cut off in mid-sentence when it dawned on him that the redhead before him was not wearing a bra. And was not wearing a shirt.

"Gah-" His glasses fogged over, the train of thought in his mind now derailed.

"What'rya starin' at?"

Akane, hearing the yelling, knew what to expect before she walked through the door. "Ranma no baka! Haven't you heard of such a thing as feminine modesty?"

"I'm a guy, damn it!"

She quickly put her shirt back on, resulting in the fog on Tofu's glasses to disperse. "Thank you, Akane. Now, where'd your friend go?"

* * *

The ensuing explanation could be summed up by the following:

Ranma: HOT! COLD!! WHY, OH WHY, MUST IT BE SO HOT?!

Akane: Pervert!!

Tofu: I can't believe that's physically possible!!

* * *

"Well, that's new."

Ranma was still recovering from the repeated drenching, while Akane looked ready to stab the half-boy with a series of very sharp medical instruments.

Trying not to set Akane off, Tofu silently reached inside the faux hair gel container, scooping up what appeared to be a clear, though murky, substance.

He applied the gel to what appeared to be a horribly blackened bruise, using a combination of his pointer and middle fingers. It felt cold on 

Ranma's exposed skin, if not slightly discomforting. After a few seconds, though, he felt as right as rain.

From out of the blue, Dr. Tofu began to press his fingers on various points of Ranma's shoulders. "Hey, what the heck, Doc!"

Just as suddenly as Tofu had moved, Ranma's back felt loosened, better than he had felt in weeks. "That felt so good! How'd you do that?"

"Ranma, I may be the local doctor and psychiatrist, but I was always best at being a chiropractor. As you can imagine, I'm usually busy with at least one patient...especially right after school starts every day." He shot Akane a knowing glance before continuing.

"That has to be the worst back I've seen in all my years. How did that happen?"

"Well, I've been training nonstop for ten years... then there was that thing with the Amazons... and Akane's stupid hamm-"

WHACK!

Tofu looked at Akane darkly as Ranma pulled himself off the ground. "Can you find your way back home from here, Ranma?"

"Yea, but why-"

"Then you're good to go. Akane, I want a word with you."

Ranma was confused, but didn't stop walking out the door. On his way, he bumped into a large skeleton. "GAAAA-"

"It's okay, Ranma. That's just Betty. She helps me explain problems to my patients."

Ignoring just how absurd that statement sounded, Ranma finally walked out the door.

'This has to be the oddest day of my life.'

* * *

Kasumi sat in the bath, soaking in the hot waters. In the span of half a dozen hours, she'd been threatened, engaged, and almost bedded by the Chinese Amazon, Shampoo. Or was it Xian Pu?

Regardless, she'd managed to make it to the bath without being followed the purple-haired one. What on earth was she going to do?

She'd been taken out of an engagement that had no possibility of anything romantic- Ranma- and had it replaced with one with a girl- Shampoo.

Was this one the same as the last? No. She knew that Ranma was a good friend, but she couldn't see herself marrying the guy. But Kasumi also knew that whatever was going on with Akane wouldn't work. Maybe if she was just a little less violent with him. But no.

So Ranma was sort of in the same situation as her...except she was now expected to marry Shampoo.

Her face grew warm as she contemplated that possibility. She didn't understand why, but the concept of Shampoo being beside her held some sort of silver lining that she couldn't quite understand.

'What the?'

Something was in the water, and it wasn't Kasumi. This shadow inched closer and closer, becoming bigger as it drew toward the elder of Genma's apprentices. Somehow, the 'Jaws' theme was ringing through her head...

"AIREN!!"

One naked Amazon broke the surface of the bath, rose into the air a half an inch, and bear hugged Kasumi, all in the span of 2.15 seconds.

"Shampoo! What the- How the- Why the-"

Her eyes, without thinking, traveled down Shampoo's figure, down from her cherry eyes to her creamy skin and settling on her voluptuous figures, especially her exposed-

Kasumi lost consciousness not a moment too soon, blood squirting out her nose like water from a hose, her body going limp in Shampoo's strong arms.

-'Crud.'- She carried what she hoped would be her future wife out of the bath, dried her off, put Kasumi's clothes back on, and put her back into bed.

-'At this rate, we may not be able to consummate tonight. But that just might the courting that much more enticing.'-

As Shampoo undressed, she saw a box of Kleenex. Delicately, she wiped the blood off Kasumi's upper lip, and threw the soiled tissue away into a nearby trash bin. She finished removing the last of her clothes and got into the bed beside her unconscious Kasumi.

-'First things first. I need to... condition... my Airen.'-

* * *

"Akane, what have I told you about using the hammer?"

He glowered at the angry girl, who responded with a quiet, "He's a pervert! And HE'S supposed to be my innazuke!"

Tofu looked at the door, trying to remember what Ranma had been like in the few minutes he had known the boy...girl? Both?

"If anything, he seemed more afraid than deviant. Which brings me back to the subject of our last appointment-"

"Doc, this isn't really the best time-"

"-it's never 'the best time', Akane. You were supposed to stop by yesterday, and you didn't. Is this Ranma the reason?"

There was no sound coming out of Akane's mouth, no matter how she willed it to come forth. Giving up on her vocal cords, she nodded.

"Well, you're engaged to Ranma now. Does this mean we've finally found the answer to last session's question?"

"...No."

Tofu raised his left eyebrow in interest, his hands now writing furiously with a ballpoint pen on a pad of paper that he had taken out of his pocket. "Do you like this Ranma?"

"Kinda. I tried to be friends with her, but-"

Tofu held up his right hand slightly, signaling the hammer wielder to stop. "So you first met Ranma as a girl?"

"My entire family did, yeah. Is that important?"

"Crucial. When did you start hitting Ranma with the hammer?"

"Right before I was going to take a bath. Ranma was there, but she was a guy, and I didn't know-"

He held up his hand once more. For a good two minutes, there was nothing but the sounds of frantic scribbling and page turning.

"Akane, I think I finally found the answer to why you've been so angry over the past few years."

"Really?" As much as she enjoyed spending time with Doctor Ono, she wasn't exactly a fan of these sessions. "What is it?"

"You're not going to like what I have to say."

Akane still didn't care. "Go on. Please."

The good doctor sighed. "Do you remember our little spat from our last meeting?"

Akane's face quickly turned to a scowl. "Go on..."

"I think you've been overusing the hammer far too much, and I think the reason that you do it is because you're disgusted."

Almost unnervingly, said mallet appeared in Akane's hands. "...About what?"

"Based on the last couple of sessions, I've concluded that you are disgusted by the idea of being intimate with men." He flinched, preparing for the hammer to fall.

"Intimate? Do you have any idea what Kuno's tried to pull on me?" The mallet was shaking, but not very much.

"Yes, I'm well aware. I'm just saying that the idea is what's causing your anger problems." The 'Sledge Hammer of 5 WTF' had not stopped quivering.

"So what are you trying to say?"

Tofu gulped, knowing that the next words coming out of his mouth could be his last. "I'm saying that it is entirely likely that you prefer being intimate with women."

The wording of his statement made the hammer stop briefly as Akane tried to understand what he had just said. Finally, though, it dawned on her.

"YOU'RE SAYING I'M A LESBIAN?!" The hammer rose into the air, assuming the striking position.

"NO! I'm just saying that it's possible!" Tofu put both of his hands into the air, trying to get the angry one to calm down. "Furthermore, if (and I mean, IF) you are, then that could be another trigger for the hammer usage."

The hammer shook less, until it finally stopped entirely. "But- I mean- I can't be-"

"Doctor Ono? Are you there?"

"Just a moment, Tatewaki." Akane's eyes went wide.

"Doc, I'm gonna have to hide somewhere."

She ran down the hall, opening one of the doors, and quickly closed it.

"Ah, good afternoon Tatewaki. Back so soon?"

Kuno nodded as he held up a bunch of flowers and a card. "Not for the same reason as before, sir."

"She just got here last night. Visiting hours are about to end-"

"Please, sir. I must see my poor sister."

The good doctor couldn't deny his request. Both of them walked to the door with the 'Do Not Disturb' sign hanging on the front, and entered the room.

This room was in use, filled with an occupied bed. The person in the hospital bed had all of her black hair covered with medical tape and gauze.

Kuno walked up one side of the bed, Dr. Tofu the other. Kuno put the flowers and the card on the nearby table. Tofu could now plainly see that he had been holding a 'Get Well Soon' card, albeit one with extremely elegant calligraphy.

Doctor Ono didn't understand why, but he felt something pulling on his pants. He looked down-

"Why is Kuno in here?" Akane was under the bed, hissing foully at the doctor-slash-psychologist-slash-chiropractor.

Ono whispered back, "There's a reason why it said 'Do Not Disturb' on the door. You couldn't have picked a different room?"

"What is wrong, sir doctor?" Kuno had noticed that Tofu was looking down.

"Nothing. I just realized that I have some vacuuming to do later." That satisfied Kuno, who's sight returned to the bedridden patient.

"How is she?"

"My associate in Tokyo, Dr. Mizuno, says that the operation went off without a hitch. If her hypothesis is correct, your sister should be able to live out the rest of her life normally." He glanced at Kuno before remarking, "Well, normal for your family, anyway."

There was a low-pitched yell coming from the other side of the wall, the side that the head of the bed rested against. "What on earth-"

A body came careening through the wall, also crashing through the next wall in its path. The momentum of this person caused the bed to scoot away from the wall, revealing a thunderstruck Akane Tendo.

"Ah, my beautiful Akane! You have come to me at las-" Unfortunately, he tripped over his own two feet, causing him to land on top of Akane in what could only be called a compromising position for both parties.

"KUNO!"

In a matter of seconds, Akane's sledge hammer sent the crazed kendosman flying into the distance.

Tofu looked at the rapidly shirking speck that was Tatewaki Kuno. "Okay, that time, he deserved the mallet."

Akane's attention now turned to the body who had crashed into the room, and that little angry vein on her head had grown to astronomical proportions. "RANMA!!"

Ranma walked through the second hole in the wall he made. "Akane!

A bandana-wearing, canine-toothed, supremely-angered, black-haired boy jumped through the first hole. "RANMA! PREPARE TO DIE!!"

"Ryoga!! What the hell's going on?!

* * *

"Ugh..."

'When did I end up in bed? I remember trying to take a bath, and then-'

She found that there was an extra pair of arms in her bed, snaking around her torso.

"Hello again!"

Kasumi noticed that Shampoo was, once again, in her bed. And once again, she was entirely, 100 percent naked. The blood was rushing to her face-

"No, no! Airen no bleed! Need to stop being shy!"

"I don't understand."

Luckily for Kasumi, a distraction presented itself in the form of a shout downstairs. "GENMA SAOTOME!!"

Quickly, Xian Pu released Kasumi, who quickly got up from the bed. "Is Kasumi in danger?"

"No, Saotome-sensei probably got himself in trouble with one of the shopkeepers again. I'm sure I can help put an end to this incident."

She swiftly went out the door and down the stairs, finding what appeared to be a boy with a ponytail threatening Genma with a giant spatula. He appeared to be stuck to the wall by several miniature cooking utensils.

"Genma, do you have any idea how much pain you've caused me?! You ruined my future! You took his okonomiyaki cart! Your promise was the only thing that was keeping my father going, and you broke his heart!!"

"Please let me go, Ukyo, PLEASE let me go!"

Kasumi couldn't believe her eyes or her ears. "Ucchan? Is that you?"

Ukyo quickly turned around, to find another person from that fateful day standing before her. "K-chan!"

The two old friends hugged for old time's sake. "K-chan, where's Ran-chan?"

"He's at Doctor Tofu's. Why?"

Ukyo smiled. She could trust THIS friend, right? "Because I need to kill him. Or you. And I'd much rather kill him."

Kasumi laughed, not realizing that Ukyo was serious. "Always the kidder, Ucchan!" Her smile faded as she realized that Ukyo had a serious look on her face.

"No, seriously, I need to kill him."

There was a shuffling in the direction of the stairs; a fully dressed Xian Pu had come down the stairs.

"Aiya! Why Airen in arms of second woman?!"

Kasumi stared at Ukyo for a moment, her arms falling to her side. "You're a girl, Ucchan?"

Ukyo blushed, while Xian Pu produced her bonbori. "Wife-stealer is obstacle for romance! Obstacles meant for killing!"

"K-chan, what is she talking about?" Regardless, she raised her spatula into the proper position.

"Ucchan, Shampoo, let's just talk this out-"

"From what it sounds like, this Chinese bimbo thinks she's your lover or something, and I can't leave you hanging like that, K-chan!"

"WHAT?! Xian Pu no bimbo! Kasumi is Xian Pu's Airen! She supposed to marry Xian Pu!!" She took a step towards Kasumi.

"That's impossible! Genma, spit it out!" She flung another mini-spatula at Genma, intentionally missing his head by inches.

"GAH! ALRIGHT!" He turned to Soun, who had just entered the room, and then to Kasumi. "I promised Ukyo's father that his daughter could marry one of my students, in exchange for his okonomiyaki cart."

Ukyo was livid, shouting, "Because you were hungry! You took his cart and left me behind, and you broke his spirit!"

Soun began reverting into his infamous 'Demon Head' face. "GENMA, THAT'S TWO MARRIAGES THAT YOU'VE LED KASUMI INTO, AND NEITHER OF THEM INVOLVE YOUR SON!"

Genma was about to shout back that he'd intended for Ranma to be the object of that specific engagement, but that would've gotten him into even more trouble. Instead, he fired back with, "Well, I didn't push 

Kasumi into the engagement with the Amazon! She got into that one herself!"

Kasumi couldn't take the shouting match anymore. "THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE YOU AND YOUR FAT STOMACH ATE SHAMPOO'S VICTORY FEAST!! AND NOW YOUR FAT STOMACH SCREWED UCCHAN AS WELL?!"

All eyes went to Kasumi. Her face was extremely red from the yelling, her breathing was loud and rapid. Not a single person in the room had ever seen her angry, except for Genma, who, despite being the object of both Ranma's and even Kasumi's ire so much, had never seen her THIS angry.

Despite the shrieking, Ukyo still stared at Xian Pu. "That's it! I'm going to teach you what happens when you mess with a friend of mine!"

Xian Pu scoffed at the concept. "Spatula Girl about to get taste of own medicine!"

Kasumi was in too much shock to do anything, instead fixating on the fact that not only had she lost her temper for the second time in two days, but she'd also yelled at the very people that she trusted.

'I hope this ends up going alright.'

* * *

WHAT. THE. HELL. Ryoga and Ukyo show up early too?! What have you done?!

(I just created some serious crack pairings.)

Oh well. Do you have idea how many pills I had to take in there?

(Yeah. It was kinda funny.)

Next time, on Ranma 1/2-

Everybody's fighting next episode!

First off, the standard Ranma/Ryoga faceoff! At least that's still normal...

Then, it's Shampoo-

(XIAN PU, IMBICILE!!)

Very well, it's Ukyo versus Xian Pu! Can Kasumi put a stop to it before they kill each other?

And what's this? Who is the new teacher, and how does she know Akane?

All this and more, on the next episode of Dragonball Z!

(THAT'S IT! I'm getting the chainsaw!)

No! Wait! I meant Ranma 1/2! Oh god- RUNNING TIME!

(chases announcer with chainsaw)

* * *

A Guide for the Japanese Challenged

Sensei- I have no sympathy for you. Seriously. If you've gotten this far, and still don't know, then you need help.

Innazuke- Translates into 'fiancé'. Insert funny comment here.

A/N: Bonus points to anyone who finds the Red VS Blue reference. Or to anyone who sees the Sailor Moon reference.

God, this has to be the longest chapter I've ever written.

* * *

A/N: Bonus points to anyone who finds the Red VS Blue reference. Or to anyone who sees the Sailor Moon reference.

God, this has to be the longest chapter I've ever written. 

It had some serious issues, but by the time I finished it, I realized that I just changed up the ending, and I added a plot twist. So pretty much any other work on this fic will need to be redone 100 percent.

But heck. I'm really looking forward to writing the rest of it now. Because now? It's all crack. That's right, I've lost my mind, and all canon pairings have officially flown the coop.

Say goodbye to Ranma/Akane, kiddies, and fasten your seatbelts. 'Cause it's gonna be one hell of a ride from here on out.


	5. Round One, FIGHT!

A/N: Sorry for the delay- I blame college finals, and Simcity 4. Maxis games are my addiction. Heaven help me once 'Spore' is released.

I think I need to clarify something. That little thing I said about all canon pairings going bye-bye? That's true. Any pairing with a realistic chance of occurring in Ranma canon is gone. And now, without further delay...

* * *

Last time, on Ranma 1/2:

Holy s--! It's becoming an all out brawl!

Ryoga is pummeling Ranma at Dr. Tofu's place!

Ukyo has come home early, and claimed that Genma owes her a husband/wife or his students' demise!

And Kasumi's getting a headache from all the plot twists!

(hears chainsaw)

Stay tuned! (Flees)

GET BACK HERE!! THERE WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE ANY MORE DELAYS!

* * *

Episode 5: Round One... FIGHT!

* * *

Another kick to the head. Punch to the lower chest.

Ranma was confused, but knew that fighting back against his old friend was his only defense until he could figure out just what was going on.

"Ryoga, what the hell are you doing?!"

His old pal's response was to grab Ranma's hair and throw him into the wall. "You RAN! You coward!"

Ranma's response was a sharp left hook to Ryoga's jaw, causing the Lost Boy to fly back. "What the hell are you talking about, Ryoga?

Ryoga ran back to the Saotome heir, putting Ranma in a headlock. "BAKA! You don't remember? I told you to meet me at the vacant lot outside my house! AND YOU DIDN'T SHOW!"

The 'man among men' swiftly kicked his foot back, making impact with Ryoga's groin. That caused the boy to let go, allowing Ranma to escape the headlock and head butt his old schoolmate as punishment.

"I waited three days, 'ya idiot! Then Oyaji had to take me and Kasumi 'outta school!"

* * *

Kasumi was not having a good day. Not at all.

First, she had been placed into another engagement. The problem wasn't with whom she was stuck with- Shampoo, the Chinese Amazon with a body that would make Hollywood supermodels weep.

No, the real problem was that she was now in an engagement with a woman. If memory served Kasumi correctly, she was supposed to like guys, like Ucchan.

Which led her into the next series of problems.

Namely, Ucchan was a girl, not a guy. Why didn't anyone tell her that?! Ranma probably had no idea, so why didn't Panda-sensei warn her? What kind of sick joke was this?

Next, it seemed that Ukyo's friendship with her seemed to offend Shampoo, to the point of threatening violence for becoming an 'obstacle'. And according to Xian Pu, 'Obstacles is meant for killing.'

And now, they were fighting. Two women were fighting over her.

There was a warm, fluttery feeling in her gut all the sudden and she felt something warm on her lip. Yep, she was having a nosebleed. AGAIN.

Ukyo and Shampoo seemed to be dueling with their respective armaments, forgoing martial arts in favor of a bonbori and a giant spatula.

"Spatula Girl no have Airen! Airen is mine!" Shampoo emphasized this by hitting her square in the head, causing Ukyo to fall to the ground.

The cook quickly got back up, knocking Shampoo to the ground by use of a sweep kick. "I'm just trying to protect K-chan, you spastic bimbo!"

Near instantly, Shampoo rose, fire in her eyes. "Xian Pu no bimbo!"

Ukyo's next attack ripped a piece of Shampoo's clothing off her body, namely, her shirt. The only thing keeping Kasumi from completely blacking out from the blood loss was that Shampoo was wearing a bra. Unfortunately, as Kasumi noticed almost immediately, it was made of red silk and showed off Shampoo's God-given jubblies in such a manner that would've made perverts squeal with glee.

She quickly reached for the entire tissue box, and started taking tissues out at a frantic pace so she could apply them to her hemorrhaging nose.

* * *

Ranma was frantically scurrying now, trying to avoid Ryoga's apparently sharpened belt. "Hold still, you coward!"

"I was waiting for you to show up! It's not my fault your sense of direction is messed up!"

Ryoga redoubled his efforts, angered even further by the fact that Ranma had implied that his sense of direction was worse than the Bermuda Triangle. His eternal rival was right, though; he couldn't find his way out of a wet paper bag. Finally he could see some hair flying through the air- he'd hit something.

It was only when he looked that he found that the flying hair wasn't Ranma's. In fact, it appeared to be-

Akane just stood there, not able to completely take in the sight of her mane soaring through the air. She couldn't hear Ranma calling her name. She couldn't see the look of embarrassment on this 'Ryoga's' face. And she definitely didn't notice that the thrown belt hit the broken sink, ripping the faucet clean off its place. That is, she didn't notice until the cold water began erupting out of the hole where the spigot used to be.

Ranma cursed under his breath as he got drenched. Dr. Tofu immediately reached for his phone, trying to call the local plumber. Ryoga's eyes bulged, before he started to laugh. "Oh my god! THAT'S what the springs did to you?" He couldn't control himself anymore, falling to the floor in a fit of mirth.

Akane's brain finally clicked back into gear at the sound of someone's mirth. She looked down, noticing that the man who had burst through Dr. Tofu's wall was now rolling around on the floor as if he was suffering from some kind of illness.

Without any knowledge of the context, Akane summoned the biggest hammer she could muster. She glanced on the fallen follicles of hair before screaming, "BAKA! YOU COULD'VE KILLED ME AND YOU'RE LAUGHING?!"

The laughing stopped instantly as Ryoga's eyes caught sight of the impossibly gigantic ' 9500 Hammer of Swift Justice'. "My God. It's over-"

Right on cue, the hammer swung, and Ryoga was cast out into the distance. "9000!!"

Ranma's eyes bulged at that number. "What?! 9000?!" If Akane could do that to Ryoga-

While the heir to the Saotome school tried desperately not to think of what might happen if she used the hammer on, say, himself, Tofu shook his head as he hung up the phone. "Akane, that really wasn't necessary." When he saw the look on her face, though, he quickly backed down.

There was then a rustling of a large amount of cloth. Ranma and Akane looked around, confused, before finally looking at the bed that had been repeatedly jerked around during the scuffle. The black-haired woman who had been lying there was gone, the bandages and sheets that had covered her discarded.

Dr. Tofu shook his head. "I was going to release her tomorrow, but that works too."

Ranma looked at the Doctor, asking, "Who?"

Tofu desperately tried not to look back at Ranma. "Kuno's sister, Kodachi."

Ranma's response was one of irritated shock. "You mean, there are TWO Kunos?!" Images began to fill her head of a woman shrilly laughing at her, whilst mocking her with some clunky formal speech.

Dr. Ono gestured for Ranma to calm down, still not looking directly at her. "She's not as bad as you might think. She had to go under the knife recently, and she's relatively normal since."

Akane couldn't quite believe that, though. "Really?"

"Well, normal for a Kuno, anyway."

Ranma looked at the hole in the wall, then looked at the other two people in the room before shrugging her shoulders. "I'm outta here. Thanks for the treatment, Doc!" And with that, she jumped through the giant fissure and began walking back home.

Tofu finally looked at Ranma-chan as she walked away, and his glasses began to steam up again. His patient rolled her eyes, commenting, "Oh, COME ON. You find that pervert attractive?" She got no response; Tofu's higher brain functions had completely froze when he saw the redhead.

Akane's counter-response was to move Tofu directly into the path of the shooting water. After a millisecond, the good Doctor began waving his arms frantically, and Akane pulled him back out. "Thank you."

"Seriously. You find that hentai of a girl attractive?" Tofu cleared his throat and slid his glasses up the length of his nose for a good moment before nodding.

"Well, I'm only human. It's not my fault I think that girl-type Ranma is a stone cold fox, similar to how it's not your fault that you prefer the company of women." Akane nearly produced another hammer on the spot, but held back. After all, it WAS Dr. Tofu she was dealing with.

"...Maybe."

Tofu sighed before ducking under the water stream, picking his notes back up, and sitting on the abandoned bed. "Still, I've got next to no shot- after all, Ranma likely prefers women over men in the romantic sense." He then began to flip through his notes, trying to see if he missed anything.

Finally, Akane walked under the pressurized H20, standing next to the Doctor, who finally piped up. "I think we've made a fairly large breakthrough today."

Akane shifted her posture, being slightly uncomfortable at this information. "But-"

"-I realize that you may think that this attraction to people of your own sex is wrong, but it's really just society saying that. We're free to live our lives the way we want to live them."

That last sentence rang out through Akane's head for a second. 'The way we want to live them...' "Thank you, Doctor."

The kind man smiled weakly, before waving her goodbye. Before Akane left, though, she turned to face Tofu one last time. "Are you going-"

"I'll be fine." He gestured at the damage that Ranma and Ryoga's fight had caused, before saying, "This is nothing. I have to give a two year old five shots in an hour. That'll be a real nightmare."

They both shared a laugh, and then went their separate ways.

* * *

Ranma had to be half way back by now. Sure, he wasn't entirely familiar with the area, but she couldn't be THAT far off from the path Akane had taken him through... right?

"MY RED-HAIRED GODDESS!"

Ranma's hair bristled as she turned to see a slightly dazed and bruised Tatewaki Kuno shuffle towards her. "Madame, I am so pleased to see you! I must free you from that pernicious grasp of that most dark of sorcerers!"

Ranma had a fairly good idea where this was going, but played along. "Alright, Kuno-baka, who?"

"That most E-vil of cowards, Saotome Ranma! Now, come with all due haste if you wish to be free with me!"

There wasn't a single part of that request that the half-girl even remotely liked, let alone would even follow. "Fat chance. Now go blow that hot air of yours someplace else."

Acting perfectly the part of 'idiot-who-can't-listen', Kuno wouldn't give up. "I implore you, fair maiden, my Juliet, fly with me before it is too late!" He grabbed her arm, trying to emphasize the apparent urgency of his task.

Ranma took it the wrong way, though, and kicked him hard in the gut. "Leave me alone, ya deluded shmuck!"

Ranma first caught sight of it in the corner of her eye, the flash of something inherently shiny. A piece of glass, maybe? Regardless, she still had to deal with Kuno, who had not let go despite receiving a very brutal hit. "Lemme GO!" That command came out far too high pitched for Ranma's liking, almost as if she really was a girl-

There was a strange battle-cry, followed by another flash from the same area, this time appearing to be a beam of ki or something. Acting purely out of instinct, Ranma finally wrenched her arm free and ducked for cover. Kuno did not budge, and was struck by the ray almost immediately after Ranma hit the dirt.

The ki was a sickly yellow of sorts, similar to what one might find in a very badly decorated nursery. When Ranma finally looked, the yellow glow appeared to surround the kendoman, debilitating and weakening him.

It all had happened so quick, that the untrained eye would barely have seen anything. Once the ki faded, a slightly emaciated Tatewaki fell prostrate on the ground, unmoving. Ranma stared at him, amazed.

"He'll be alright." Ranma's eyes finally save her savior coming from the bushes. She could've easily passed for someone in her late twenties, with flowing brown hair and wore a green shirt and brown miniskirt to clothe a body that was "easily distracting".

Ranma managed to ignore that little detail. "Thanks. You have no idea how often Kuno tries stuff like that."

The mysterious woman nodded her head. "He goes to Furikan, correct?"

"Yea..."

The brunette shook her head before continuing. "I just got a job there as a teacher. Principal Kuno warned me about a lot of delinquents there." She looked at Ranma before finally introducing herself. "Ninomiya."

Ranma introduced herself as well, before finally figuring out just where she'd ended up. The dojo was just down the street, and a little to the left. 'At least I was close.'

* * *

"ENOUGH!"

Shampoo and Ukyo now had their hands wrapped around each other's throats, their clothes in various states of shambles. Shampoo's shirt was completely gone, and Ukyo's pants now had holes where both of her knees had been. All eyes in the room now stared at the small Amazon Elder that had entered the room.

"What in the name of the Goddesses is going on here?"

Her question was followed quickly by the arrival of Ranma, who had finally made it back home and had found two women wrestling each other.

After three minutes, everyone was finally sitting down, no longer physically fighting each other, although the desire to was still strongly felt. Kasumi brought out a plate stacked with green tea, saltine crackers, and various cheeses for everyone, adding, "This is all I could put together on such a short notice."

Soun took a large breath, before asking, "Where's Akane?" A moment's silence, then Cologne shook her head.

"No one has answered my question yet. What happened here?"

Ukyo, Shampoo, Kasumi, Nabiki, and Genma all stared at each other before shrugging their shoulders.

Ranma closed her eyes tightly before pouring her tea on herself, restoring her masculinity. "Maybe it'd be best to start from the beginning."

His remark got a sharp stare from Ukyo, to which Ranma replied, "Ucchan? Is that-"

Kasumi interrupted. "Ranma, that can wait. I think there are a few things that we've been left out of the loop of."

All stared at Genma Saotome, who finally spoke. "Ten years ago, Soun and I made a vow to unite our schools through any means necessary, which meant that my son would marry one of the Tendo's. To make sure that this would work, I took Kasumi with me to get to know Ranma and fall in love."

Soun piped up, adding, "I still have that contract safely hidden in my bedroom, to ensure that no harm befalls it."

Ukyo and Shampoo both began going ballistic, Shampoo finding something to say first. "Aiya! You arranged marriage with no fighting? No challenge? That is stupid!"

Kuonji smiled. "For once, I agree with the gaijin here. You arranged a marriage between Ran-chan and K-chan without their consent!"

Soun winced before correcting her. "Technically, it was between Ranma and one of my daughters, but yes."

Genma eyed Ukyo for a moment, sweat falling down his brow. "Soun, how on Earth did Ukyo end up here?"

Soun licked his lips before finally telling his side of the story. "That's a tale in and of itself, old friend. Years and years before we made our pact, before Kasumi was born, I was a wandering martial artist myself. I'll never forget, one of my fiercest fights was against a man with a giant spatula, Kuonji Seito."

"We got into several fights, until we finally had one that nearly got us killed. See, we began the fight near a cliff, and our fight went on as usual until Seito fell off the cliff. In the heat of the moment, I saved his life."

"From that day forward, we were like brothers, similar to you and I, Genma."

Ranma's patience was wearing thin as he munched on a cracker. "That's great, but what does that have to do with Ucchan?"

"I'm getting to that. Once Ukyo was born, Seito asked me to be her godfather. Naturally, I accepted. A year after Genma took Kasumi, Seito died. Which meant that Ukyo's upbringing was now my responsibility."

Ukyo glared at Genma, adding, "That's not the whole story, is it Saotome?" Ranma couldn't understand WHAT his old buddy was talking about. Were all his old friends trying to kill him now?

Genma looked at Soun, and took over the tale from there. "It was a few months after Kasumi came with me and Ranma. Ranma and Kasumi were still a little uneasy around each other, and we were in dire need of food. We ended up coming across Kuonji-san, who gave us a place to stay and more importantly, food."

Kasumi felt disgusted, while Ranma laughed under his breath. "That's Oyaji for 'ya, always thinking with his stomach."

"Eventually, Kuonji-san and I began talking about our children. He was especially concerned about his daughter finding a spouse. He thought that maybe I could help. I agreed, and a contract was struck up- either Ukyo was to marry Ranma, or Ukyo would hunt one of my students and kill them."

Ranma's mood quickly went from unsurprised to livid. "DO YOU NOT EVEN READ CONTRACTS ANYMORE?!"

Kasumi sighed. "I'm not sure he ever did, Ranma-chan."

Regardless, the younger Saotome began throttling his father. "YOU- STUPID- INCONSIDERATE- WRETCHED-"

Genma finally managed to free himself from his child's clutches, and finished his part of the story. "The important part was that we got to keep his okonomiyaki cart. Besides, I didn't think Ukyo would go through with trying to kill you all!"

It was at this point that Ukyo produced a tattered piece of formal paper. "Technically, the terms of the contract were that I either marry one of Saotome's students, or that I do what is necessary to preserve the honor of my family. Which would necessitate that I kill Ranma or Kasumi." Ukyo's postures became more lax and solemn; Kasumi and Ranma both could see that she didn't really want to go there.

Finally, Ranma added his two cents. "I think we all know what happened next: Jusenkyo."

Cologne nodded her head in understanding while Ukyo and Shampoo were both confused, albeit for different reasons. "What?"

The next few minutes were spent demonstrating both Ranma's and Genma's curses, during which time Akane finally came home. There was much cursing to be had from all parties, both from amazement, pain, and anger.

"DAMN IT! THAT'S STILL HOT!" Ranma had just been doused with hot water again.

Cologne, who had stayed silent for the most part through the entire story, finally added the final piece to the puzzle. "I would suppose that some time after their mishap, they found our village. They stole our champion's feast, and humiliated our village champion, Xian Pu. Because of this, Xian Pu and myself had to hunt these three down." She gestured to her great-granddaughter, Genma, Kasumi, and Ranma to emphasize this, before adding, "A while later, Xian Pu was defeated by Kasumi, and through a forgotten bylaw of our people-"

Shampoo stood up, smiling. "Kasumi is now Xian Pu's Airen!" She jumped over the table, landing on the Tendo girl and pulling her into a massive bear hug.

Ukyo could've sworn there was steam pouring out her ears. "You can't DO that!"

Shampoo didn't look at the miffed cook, instead focusing her efforts on trying to play with her future wife. "What you mean?"

The adopted Tendo pointed at her piece of paper, specifically drawing her finger at some point in its center. "Technically, I have to marry one of Genma's students, and I'm NOT marrying Ran-chan!" She stiffened a little bit before turning to face Ranma. "No offense, but I'm just too angry at you right now, Ran-chan." The boy smiled meekly, his ego just having taken the equivalent of a nuclear bomb.

Kasumi looked at the piece of paper, before adding, "Panda-san, you said that we were finger painting!"

Shampoo stared at Ukyo. "What is Spatula Girl trying to actually say?"

Ukyo looked as if she was at a loss for words, before finally saying, "Kasumi, meet me upstairs, alright? I need to talk to you alone."

"NO! Xian Pu come with!"

Kasumi finally stood up, though, saying, "Ucchan, I don't think there's any convincing her otherwise."

As the three girls walked upstairs, Ranma shook his head. "I still can't believe this."

Colonge agreed. "It does seem like an unlikely chain of events."

"I mean, Ucchan was a girl the whole time?!" Genma, Soun, and Cologne all hit the floor with their faces.

* * *

As Ukyo closed the door behind them, Kasumi recognized the place they were in as her room- well, it was probably Ukyo's room now. The cooking books would've been the first sign.

"Alright, now what is Spatula Girl wanting with Airen?" She softly took Kasumi's hand in hers, refusing to let go.

It was at this point that Ukyo took off what remained of her shirt, revealing a series of bandages. She took a sheet off her bed, covering herself while removing the bindings. Finally, she reached over to the nearby dresser and removed a white brassier.

After thirty more seconds, Ukyo dropped the bed sheet, revealing two healthy breasts being held in place by a bra. "Is this proof enough?"

Kasumi blinked extremely hard, before commenting, "Oh my." A trickle of blood went down her nose, which she quickly blotted up with a nearby tissue.

Shampoo stared for a moment before commenting, "Spatula Girl looks cute, but why we really here?"

Ukyo blushed slightly before mustering up the courage to reveal her reasons. "My father wanted me to marry or kill either you or Ranma. Even though I wouldn't want to, I would've probably just killed Ranma and called it a day.

"But then I calmed down, and I found out what was really going on, and-and-" She was stuttering slightly, not quite able to say what she felt. "I realized that you need me more than I need my revenge."

Kasumi breathed in deeply, still not understanding. "What'd you mean, Ucchan?"

Much to Shampoo's disdain, Ukyo wrapped her arms around Kasumi's waist, forcing Kasumi to let go of Shampoo's hand. "K-chan, I can't just stand by and watch my best friend be forced to marry some girl she barely even knows! I just can't!"

The idea finally dawned upon Kasumi. "You want to m-marry m-me?!" Shampoo was furious, but kept silent.

"I'm not sure if I'm going to fall in with love you, K-chan, but I'll try for your sake." Her eyes were directly locked onto Kasumi's. "If it would make you happy, I would be with you until the end."

"B-but you're a girl!"

Shampoo finally spoke, her arms shaking at her sides. "Xian Pu is girl! Xian Pu knows for fact that Airen likes girls!"

Kasumi's face immediately drained of all color. "What?"

"Xian Pu knows! Why else Airen get nosebleed when she see Xian Pu naked? Or why else Airen lose blood when she see Spatula Girl with bra on?" Xian Pu tilted Kasumi's head to look at her, which ticked off Ukyo. "Airen would've said something if she no want to be with strong woman."

Ukyo turned Kasumi's head to face her again. "She might be right about that, I don't know. What I do know is this: I have to marry someone, K-chan, and it's not going to be Ranma." Without warning, Ukyo went in for the kill, making full on contact, locking lips with her best friend.

It lasted about two seconds, before Ukyo broke it off. "You're a surprisingly good kisser, K-chan."

Shampoo was ready to strangle the cook after that display. "SHE IS MY AIREN!"

Ukyo let go of Kasumi and finally paid attention at the purple-haired foreigner. "The day you marry my K-chan will be a cold day in Hell!"

Kasumi shook her head as she began to black out once again. 'Please don't make me choose...'

* * *

Wow. That's a pretty angsty place to end an episode, eh?

( hate cliffhangers. CURSE YOU, HALO 2!)

Yeah. Next time, on Ranma 1/2-

School's starting up again and Ukyo's in Kasumi's class! And who's the new teacher?

(Like you can't figure out who THAT is.)

Who's that on the roof and what is she doing to Ranma?

(A return to canonical events? Who would've thunk it?)

And why is there an old man running around with panties?

(Comedic relief.)

Tune in next time, for the next episode of Ranma 1/2!

(Sorry about your leg.)

I can get a prosthetic or something for that. Say, this episode was a little shorter than usual.

(...Omake?)

Omake.

* * *

OMAKE!

The good old smell of pine was in the air the moment Kasumi woke up. She opened her eyes, stretched, and realized that she was under the Christmas tree, lying right next to-

"What's it say?" Ukyo seemed disbelieving of the sight in front of her.

Shampoo read the card tied around Kasumi's neck. 'To: Ukyo and Xian Pu; From: Santa.' A little grin stretched across Shampoo's face.

Meanwhile, Kasumi looked at her body, realizing something important. "Why am I covered in nothing but wrapping paper?"

Ukyo and Shampoo just smiled like Cheshire Cats as they unwrapped what was perhaps the greatest present they'd ever gotten.

* * *

A Guide for the Japanese Challenged

Baka- You, apparently. Read previous chapters!

Green tea- A Japanese drink. Different than English tea, but not by that much.

Sensei- Don't ask me what this is again. Do it, and I'll use the guillotine on you and use your head for sports.

Omake- Nonsensical extra, usually a comedic piece with no value besides fanservice.

If you can't find the DBZ meme reference, then you've officially been living under a rock.


	6. Twice the Fiances, Twice the Problems!

A/N: Sorry for the delay- I blame college finals, my dead dog, and SimCity 4. Maxis games are my addiction, and it's hard to write when your dog is dead.

Good news, though: I now have a beta-reader. Say hello to The Real Axel Wildfire, everyone!

* * *

Last time, on Ranma 1/2:

My God, so many plot twists! Who is Ninomiya-sensei?

(If you're actually asking that question, I'll smack you.)

We finally got to figure out just how different this version of Ranma is from canon...

(And it's only getting more different.)

And –WHAT?!- Ukyo's claiming an engagement to Kasumi now? How many fiancées is that woman going to get?

(We're about to find out.)

Stay tuned, for this latest episode.

(Seriously, I think the author of this wreck is on drugs.)

No kidding.

* * *

Episode 6: Twice the Fiancés, Twice the Problems!

* * *

Nabiki hated cooking, HATED it with a passion not unlike many video game fanboys. She'd had to share cooking duties with Akane when Ukyo went out of town. She thought she was finally done with it once Kasumi finally came home, but her older sister hadn't left her room since yesterday evening. If Nabiki wasn't mistaken, Kasumi had stayed locked up in her room for over a day.

It was causing a major problem with her plans. Namely, she couldn't take any pictures to sell if she couldn't get to Kasumi. That and she was just sick of cooking. At least Ukyo was back to cook every other meal; Akane's cooking could've been used as a biological weapon of war.

From what Nabiki could understand; Ranma, Ukyo, and Shampoo had all tried to coax her out of the room, or at the very least get inside. And Akane...

'That could work.' "Akane!"

Her sister popped into the kitchen, an English textbook in hand. "What is it?"

"Have you tried to talking to Kasumi yet?" Nabiki wasn't entirely sure this would work. After all, Akane had only 'met' her oldest sister a few days ago.

"No... Has that pervert friend of hers tried?"

Nabiki nodded. "Maybe you should talk to her. Spend a little time together, that kind of thing." Truth be told, Nabiki was winging it at this point. Fortunately, Akane smiled a little and began walking up the stairs. That allowed Nabiki to finally look back at the food she was cooking. 'Um... Maybe I'll order some Chinese tonight.'

* * *

When Akane knocked on the door, she expected Kasumi to just flat out tell her to go away. What she didn't see coming was a weak voice telling her to come in. Following Kasumi's request, she walked into her old room (Ukyo let her sleep there the previous night) and closed the door gently behind her.

The sun was setting; the lights were off, so naturally the entire room was fairly dark. Kasumi looked like a complete mess. Her hair was all over the place instead of tied up in a ponytail and she looked like she had barely slept at all the night before. Nevertheless, she still attempted to act like her regular self. "How are you, Akane?"

"I'm fine, Kasumi," Akane replied, "but that's not why I'm here." She sat on the bed next to Kasumi and commented, "You look like you need some sleep."

Kasumi smiled, before nodding. "You're right. I have school tomorrow." She began twiddling her thumbs involuntarily, which Akane noticed after she sat on the bed next to her sister. "Are you alright?"

Kasumi kept smiling however, and nodded. "I'm fine, Akane. Why wouldn't I be?" Her voice faltered slightly as she finished her question, however.

Akane didn't answer, and instead asked another question. "What happened last night?" Kasumi bit her lower lip lightly and nodded her head absentmindedly.

"Shampoo, Ucchan, and I had a little talk last night." Akane could already guess what happened.

"Ukyo decided to marry you instead of kill Ranma?" Kasumi didn't budge an inch. "It must be a bit of a shock, finding that people are attracted to you so suddenly."

"It's not _that_ bad."

Akane turned her head to see Kasumi staring at the floor. "It only seems bad, but when I really think about it, there are people out there who are probably going through what I am. And then there are others whose situations are much worse than mine."

Akane was tight-lipped as she briefly thought of her own problems. Kasumi finally stood up and yawned. "I think it's time for me to go to bed, I'm afraid. School's tomorrow."

"Now? You haven't had any food! And it's only eight forty!" But then Akane remembered that Kasumi probably hadn't slept at all since talking to Ukyo and Shampoo. She relented and wished Kasumi a good night's sleep.

As Akane closed the door behind her, a question echoed through the hall. "How is she?" She turned to find Ranma in girl form, drying off her hair.

"_BAKA_! Have you no sense of modesty?! Put a shirt on!"

* * *

Kasumi woke up the next day a little later than she'd have liked. She quickly took a bath, scooped up her lunch, and ran after Ranma and Akane, finally managing to catch up to them a minute or so before entering school grounds.

Their arrival was heralded by a stampede of boys, all of whom looked ready to strike. With the combined efforts of Ranma and Akane, they all went down in a matter of one minute and seventeen seconds.

As Kuno walked out the doors of the school though, both he and the defeated male populace were trampled by three girls who ran out of the school, shouting, "She's here! She's here!" And almost instantly, the schoolyard was swarmed with nearly the entire female populace (Akane was glad to see that Nabiki was nowhere to be seen), pushing Ranma and Akane out of the way to get at Kasumi.

Faster than a finger snap, Kasumi was surrounded by a plethora of females, all screaming for her attention. Despite being encircled by a mass of people, she felt cold and clammy. All of these women were throwing themselves at her, saying sweet words or trying to show their affection for her in more intimate ways. Kasumi swore that she was going to faint from all the attention when she saw a gleam of metal out of the corner of her eye.

Her survival instincts nearly kicked in until she saw that the shining instrument was in fact, a giant spatula. This made her pause for a moment, long enough to see the sea of schoolgirls part and to discover just who her savior was. Ukyo grabbed one of Kasumi's hands and made a break for it, tearing through the crowd with lighting efficiency. In the span of ten seconds, Ukyo had successfully extricated Kasumi from that mess of screaming flesh.

Both women stopped to take a breath, Kasumi hunched over and Ukyo leaning on a wall for support. "K-chan, when did you get so popular?"

She replied between breaths, "I kinda punched Kuno during class."

Ukyo grinned as she stopped relying on the wall to stay standing. "That's a pretty damn good reason."

As Ranma and Akane finally made their way through the horde of Kasumi's admirers, Kuno finally began to rise, stumbling to get up. Finally, he was fully standing and pointed his bokken at Ranma. "SAOTOME," he shouted as the footprint-shaped bruises throbbed on his face, "I WILL DESTROY YOU!"

Ranma was about to run up and pound Kuno again when he saw a familiar flash of metal, almost like a yen coin...

"HAPPO FIVE-YEN SATSU!"

Just like Ranma's previous encounter with Kuno, a beam of energy seemed to suck the crazed man of his battle aura, once again leaving an emaciated Kuno to fall to the ground. All eyes went to the impossibly beautiful figure walking down out of the school.

She had brown hair that extended from her head to her lower back, a face (and by extension, a body) that looked like it had been ripped out of a lingerie catalog, and a certain grace to her walk that made all of the conscious men that Ranma and Akane had beaten down drool.

She stared at the scene before her and shouted, "Get inside before I give you all detention for being late!"

* * *

As Akane, Ranma, and Kasumi all filed into the classroom, the latter two were surprised to find that they were being followed by Ukyo.

"Ucchan," Ranma asked, "what are 'ya doin' here?"

Kasumi stared at her old friend, and couldn't help but notice that she was wearing a boy's uniform. It distracted her for a moment, before snapping out of it and answering, "I think she's in our class, Ranma."

Ukyo nodded as she took her seat. She paused for a moment, looked at the person who was taking a seat next to her, and blurted out, "You're sitting there?"

Kasumi looked surprised, and questioned, "I'm sorry. Am I taking someone else's seat? I'll gladly move-"

"-No, no, no," Ukyo assured her, "It's alright. Hikaru might be a little angry once he gets back from his voodoo convention or wherever he went, but you should be fine, K-chan." Kasumi smiled as she settled into her desk while Ukyo tried to slow down her beating heart and to control the slight blush on her face.

But all students in the room were surprised (and a few of the less principled men whistled) when the gorgeous woman from earlier came into the classroom instead of the teacher. "Butts down and shut up," she said as she picked up a piece of chalk. She wrote down the name 'Ninomiya' on the board, and set the white writing utensil back where she got it.

"Good morning class, I am Ms. Ninomiya, but you all will call me Ninomiya-sensei. If you try to clown around I will give you detention." She paused, before adding, "Any questions?" In a flash, every hand in the room shot into the air. "Yes, you there in the second row."

Yuka unconsciously swallowed her spit before asking, "Where's Mr. Mifune?"

Ninomiya-sensei sighed before saying flatly, "In a nutshell, your previous teacher won the lottery, went to Disney World, legally changed his name to 'Racer', and is now living his dream of being a race car driver." The class stared at her dumbfounded before she added, "Sounds stupid, I know, but that's what some people want. At any rate, I was already hired by the principle as a disciplinarian, so the principal figured that he could kill two birds with one stone."

Now Sayuri raised her hand. "Disciplinarian?"

"Well," the new teacher explained, "there have been a number of fistfights breaking out before school for some time." Akane looked away from the teacher's gaze. "There's been a particularly large rise of these situations during the past week." Ranma scratched the back of his head. "Especially involving the romantic affairs of some of our new students." Kasumi blushed profusely while several other girls giggled nervously. "Alright, I believe that your previous teacher was discussing the properties of Hammerspace..."

* * *

Lunchtime turned out to initially be a very confusing experience for Kasumi- nearly every girl in the school was offering her a seat. Eventually though, she settled on sitting with Ranma and Akane, who were arguing as always.

"You were checking out Ninomiya-sensei," the younger Tendo claimed. She bit into a rice ball before mumbling, "Pervert."

"You're one to talk, 'Kane." Ranma stared her in the face and elaborated, "You were the one who was paying attention." Akane blushed while he continued, "Was the lecture really that interesting? 'Cause I fell asleep during the first three minutes."

Kasumi ate what was left of her meager lunch and got up to throw away her trash while the unhappy couple kept bickering and dickering. Her stomach growled as she disposed of her waste, however- she had forgotten to pack as big of a lunch as she usually had.

"Nihao, Airen!"

Almost instantly, she fell to the ground, being glomped by a certain Amazon. "Hi, Shampoo."

Xian Pu appeared very happy to see her Airen, "What is Airen doing here? Why she no be home?"

Kasumi sheepishly replied, "I'm at school, Shampoo. And..." She looked around at the lunch room and added, "And everyone's looking at us."

The Amazon looked around and indeed, saw that indeed, everyone was looking at them, the men out of bittersweet happiness, Ranma and Akane in shock, and the women in anger. "Good. Now everyone know just how much Xian Pu love Airen."

Finally, there was a great commotion as someone finally approached the two. It was Ukyo, who had the most troubling look on her face- Kasumi could sworn that she was jealous. "What're 'ya doing here you gaijin bimbo?!"

Xian Pu stared coldly at the chef but did not let go of Kasumi. "Spending good-good time with Airen. Why Spatula Girl ask?"

There was another loud crash, and Kuno came barging into the scene, bandages all over his face. "Madame, I do not know what realm from which you came, but this shy beauty is going to be dating me."

And then he was swiftly kicked in the face by a certain martial artist. "Kuso," Ranma cursed, "you must really be desperate for a girlfriend."

"You win this round, foul summoner..." Kuno said as he blacked out.

"HAPPO FIVE-YEN SATSU!"

In an instant, Ranma finally felt the effects of the beam upon him. It felt like his strength was boiling away. The loss of his chi wasn't the direct thing causing him pain, it was his collapse to the floor. Never before had he felt so weak and helpless.

Kasumi immediately began trying to bring Ranma around from his stupor, but to no avail (partly because Xian Pu was still attached to her). Finally, his assailant came into the picture; Ninomiya-sensei approached the assorted group of students that was quickly surrounding Kasumi and company. "Show's over, people. Nothing to see here."

As the body dispersed and began to return to class, Kasumi asked the teacher, "Will he be alright?"

Surprisingly, there was an almost sympathetic look on her face. "He'll be fine in a few hours. Go ahead and take him home- I'll excuse you for the day." She then went to Akane and remarked, "I heard about your situation."

Akane seemed inattentive however, as she watched her sister carry her pervert of an innazuke out the door, with Ukyo and Xian Pu following. "Huh?"

"Your apparent engagement to Mr. Saotome," Ninomiya-sensei remarked as calmly as she could- she seemed a little perturbed about it as well. Akane seemed slightly surprised that her teacher could have found out that already, but Ninomiya-sensei didn't stop talking. "Would you like to talk about it after school? I'd refer you to Doctor Tofu, but he's going to go on a business trip to Tokyo for a week or two to visit an associate of his, Dr. Mizuno."

Akane weighted her options carefully, and then nodded her head. "I guess. I mean, you don't seem that bad a person. Her new teacher smiled softly and told her that they were going to be late for class if they weren't careful.

As the two began walking back, Ninomiya-sensei couldn't stop thinking about Akane. 'Here's hoping I can do something as a teacher.'

* * *

"There's something I really don't understand about your culture, Shampoo." Ukyo and Shampoo were walking with Kasumi and the comatose Ranma, sure, but they stayed a comfortable distance behind their mutual fiancé. "Why on earth would your tribe do something so stupid like allowing a guy to marry a woman based on fighting?"

Xian Pu stared at the adopted girl and asked back, "How stupid is making marriage work on paper and broken promise?"

Ukyo bit her tongue as she merely stared at Kasumi, specifically a certain portion that was wiggling oh so temptingly.

Xian Pu started to giggle a little bit before commenting, "Spatula Girl like what she sees, no?" The okonomiyaki cook blushed profusely before meekly confirming it. "It not something to be ashamed of. Airen is very sexy."

Her rival shyly commented, "She has no idea why the other girls at school fight over her."

"They get in the way, then I dispose of them. Obstacles-"

"Right, I know, Shampoo. They're 'meant for killing'." She paused for a moment before asking, "Does that mean you're going to kill me?"

Xian Pu paused in thought during the walk, not speaking a word for a good three minutes. Finally, she came up with her answer. "Xian Pu probably not go that far. Spatula Girl seems to be important to Airen. Airen probably be very sad if Spatula Girl dead." She stared at Ukyo before stressing an important point. "Xian Pu no want to make Airen sad."

The Amazon bit her lip while Ukyo carefully examined her rival. A couple of steps ahead of them, Ranma weakly asked Kasumi, "They know that we can hear everything they're saying, right?"

Kasumi blushed before saying, "It might be rude to tell them... but it's also rude to just eavesdrop." However, she couldn't unhear what her fiancés had said, no matter how hard she tried. 'I'm... sexy?'

After a few more minutes, Ranma finally had enough of his strength back to begin walking on his own accord. "Kasumi, I never expected you to have to deal with this."

"Deal with what, Ranma?" Kasumi seemed a little ignorant, but she probably already knew where this was going.

"All of these people just throwing themselves at you." Ranma sniffed his nose before continuing, "You've got Kuno trying to date you, Shampoo trying to bed you, Ucchan trying to wed you, it's crazy! I don't know what I'd do if I was in your shoes." His old friend blushed profusely, before Ranma finished, "But I'm sure that it'll calm down soon. I mean, how could things possibly get any-"

Almost immediately, Kasumi turned to him and said, "Don't say it-"

"-worse?"

Instantly, the entity in charge of enforcing Murphy's Law began to laugh insidiously. Right then, an orange little blur sped by the four of them, dropping a ginormous bag into Kasumi's hands. A brief moment passed, where all four of them looked inside the bag. "Are those panties?" Ukyo asked rhetorically. All of Kasumi's blood went to her face, and then they came.

There was a group of women running to their location, all of them in various states of undress and all of them visibly miffed. They came to a halt just a few feet from where Ranma was standing. One of the brunettes in the crowd shouted at Kasumi, calling her a pervert. The crowd began to move once more, this time wanting Kasumi's head. She immediately apologized, but it seemed useless.

Almost instantly afterward, the Saotome survival instinct kicked in.

* * *

Kasumi.SurvivalInstinct- engaged.

Apology check... Failed. Options are:

1. Try to apologize again.

2. Explain situation.

3. Run away and drop the bag. (IF ResistPanic.checkSkill dice roll 85, ELSE)

4. Panic, then run away with bag in hand.

4.

You have chosen: Option 3. ERROR! Panic.check failed! (Roll 1, Skill 40) Option 4 activated!

You have performed: Option 4. Oh my! (flees)

* * *

The crowd pushed past Ukyo, Xian Pu, and Ranma; instead focusing all their efforts at chasing the fleeing Tendo. The predatory mob had to have numbered a few dozen women. As they finally passed through the area, Xian Pu looked puzzled at the direction her Airen and the crowd had left in. "Xian Pu no understand. Airen no pervert!"

Ranma, who had suffered from this label for a few days now, could relate. "I know. Kasumi's the last person who would do something like that."

"It disappointing. You have any idea how long Xian Pu been trying to get Airen to perform duties?"

Ranma fell flat on his face while Ukyo stared at the Amazon shocked. "What the hell are you talking about, hon?"

Xian Pu huffed before saying, "Airen no let me share bath or shower with her. We no allowed sleeping in same bed or room or even house, and we not spend much time together. We no even have sexy-time yet!!" Ranma's face became flushed, but he resisted the nosebleed. Ukyo was relieved that her K-chan had resisted the Amazon's charms so far. "We need to have sexy-time to be married, or else stupid stupid Mu Tzu come over here and say otherwise."

Ranma and Ukyo didn't quite understand what Xian Pu meant by 'stupid stupid Mu Tzu', but they didn't have time to ask because they were at the door to the dojo. When they went inside, however, they were treated to a sight that was both laughable (well, for Ranma at least) and disturbing.

Tendo was using a giant leaf to blow cool wind into the face of an extremely ugly old man wearing orange clothes that could've come out of any stereotypical jail. Meanwhile, Genma was feeding him grapes from the vine, looking embittered while doing so. The old man told the two other men, "I thought you two knew better than to try and get rid of me."

Genma and Soun both replied in monotone, "We know, master."

"Where are your students, Genma?" The old man gestured at the window. "You were the more promising student; surely you've taught someone the School of Anything Goes?" His eyes went to the door, and he shouted, "OEWAHWAH! Boobies!" He latched himself onto Xian Pu's breasts and made himself comfortable.

After the shock passed over her, Xian Pu removed the pervert from her upper chest. "Those not yours! Those for Airen!"

Genma immediately saw his way to freedom. "Master, this is my son, Ranma. Say hello to my old teacher, Ranma."

The old man stared up at the high school student and remarked, "Not bad, Genma. Not bad at all, but he seems a little weaker than I'd have expected." Before Ranma could hit him in retaliation, he was on Ranma's shoulder, saying, "The name is Happosai, Ranma. And I taught your father everything he knows." He turned to face Soun and remarked, "I thought you had three daughters, Tendo. What happened?"

Soun placed himself prostrate at his old sensei's feet, crying, "Forgive me master, but Kasumi is the only one of my biological children to have extensively studied the art! She studied with Genma, she should be home by now."

Happosai looked at the area where Ukyo's breasts would've been, commenting, "He's not exactly what I'd call a daughter." He looked over Ukyo once more, before finding the bindings that kept Ukyo flat. Using his speed, Happosai undid the bindings and managed to get back in front of the cook before she knew what had happened.

"Ah, now that's better," the pervert remarked before relocating himself to Ukyo's newly freed mamms. "Kasumi's pretty nice herself, you know."

As Ukyo threw Happosai across the room, Tendo declared, "That is my godchild, Ukyo. Kasumi is still not home yet." The door to the dojo opened, revealing Nabiki and Akane, who seemed almost... happy.

"Tadaima! Great news! I just joined the gymnastics team!"

Happosai removed himself from the hole in the wall his flying body had caused and asked, "Which one is Kasumi?" Both girls denied the name.

Finally, a heavily breathing and sweaty girl walked through the door, her knuckles white from holding that accursed bag of panties so tightly. "Ah!" Happosai took the bag from Kasumi and dove in, who promptly fell to the floor in exhaustion. "I wondered where my latest treasures had gone to," the old man remarked as he popped his head out of the pile of undergarment, a black bra wrapped around his noggin.

Soun pointed to his tired daughter and remarked, "This is Kasumi, my oldest."

Kasumi had some difficulty standing because she had been running so hard. After she did though, Happosai nodded. "She managed to get away from that crowd without any prior panty raid experience... that's a good sign." He restrained himself from launching himself at Kasumi's ample bosom, and instead turned his attention to his former students. "Have you explained to them just how important I am?" Both looked at each other before lying themselves at his feet once more, begging to apologize.

"I suppose I'll explain it, then." Everyone sat down in the dining room, while Happosai told his story. "Back in the day, I took Soun and Genma under my wing. Their training was a bit abusive, I'll admit," Happosai said as he remembered several instances where both fathers had been forced to take the blame for Happosai's numerous thefts and panty raids and flee for their lives, "but it was effective. They learned much from me for many years. Then they finally took a trick from my book to escape," he said as he stared at Genma and Soun, who were both whistling innocently. "They got me really drunk, dressed me up in a jail jumpsuit, threw me in the darkest and deepest cave they could find, and closed it up with a rock."

Genma looked at his master uneasily before remarking, "It was the only way we could get away."

Just then, Happosai looked at Ranma more closely and gasped. "By the- BOY! Have you recently encountered a woman who uses a five yen coin to suck out chi?" Ranma nodded, but Happosai already knew the answer. "Genma, listen to me very carefully. There is a great threat somewhere in Nerima, one that could destroy the School of Anything Goes!"

Genma gasped, Soun cried, and Ranma simply asked, "What?"

Happy looked at Ranma before saying, "That woman who sucked out your battle aura is an old nemesis of mine. She could destroy us all! I know of a way to defeat her, but I will need your help." He pointed at Akane and Kasumi, adding, "I'll need your help as well."

Ranma shrugged his shoulders. "How could she be that much of a threat?"

But Happy would have none of it. "I'll explain in the morning how to defeat her." With that, he left the building, finally allowing everyone to catch a breath of fresh air.

* * *

Ranma couldn't sleep. A threat to the school? He'd faced down quite a few things before, but how could Ninomiya-sensei be a threat to the school? He tried to sip some water from his glass, but spilled it all over himself, turning himself into a girl.

There was a rapping on the roof, and Ranma went to investigate. Just outside of Akane's window, he found a black-haired woman staring at Akane.

"Hey! What'd you think you're doing?" As Ranma approached her, the stranger threw a ball at the redhead, making a direct hit. A gas escaped from the projectile, engulfing Ranma. Unfortunately for the assailant, the cold wind blew the odd concoction into her system as well.

"Kuso," the stranger cursed. "I'm sorry; I was just trying to study my competition." Ranma looked at her as if she was crazy while she introduced herself. "Kodachi. You might have met my brother, Kuno." She paused before noticing who she was talking to. "You must be the 'raven-haired goddess' he keeps talking about."

Ranma's eyes bulged. "Look, don't tell him. Last thing I need is for him to show up." She felt strange all the sudden, as if her muscles were becoming stiff.

"The gas is a paralyzing agent, it must be taking effect." She looked Ranma square in the eye and said, "I'm really sorry for all the trouble." She fell down to the roof, the agent working faster on her body than Ranma's.

The air began to grow colder as Ranma's muscles began to seize up. His survival instinct kicking in, she inched herself closer to where Kodachi was lying and entangled herself with the woman. Kodachi gasped at the sudden physical sensations she was getting, her nipples were rock hard and rubbing up against Ranma's, who was trying to play down the feelings she was experiencing. "What're you doing?"

Ranma grinned at her as she finally lost the ability to move her legs. "Making sure that we're warm tonight, 'cause it doesn't look like we're going anywhere?"

"Who do you think you are, and why are you bothering?" Kodachi asked as she found her arms wrapped around this stunning girl- oh, there goes her arms.

"The name's Saotome Ranma... and I don't lose." As the final syllable left her mouth, the only things that either of them could move were their eyes, and both of them were beginning to close from being tired.

* * *

Hm... That played out a bit differently than I remember.

(No kidding.)

Next time, on Ranma 1/2-

Happosai reveals just how dangerous Ninomiya-sensei is! Is there any way to stop her?

(Is there a reason you're asking a rhetorical question?)

Kodachi makes a move against Akane! How will the rest of the family react?

(I'm gonna take a wild guess and say, not well.)

And two new rivals appear, wanting Xian Pu and Ukyo? Who are these guys?

(Mu Tzu and... wait, Tsubasa's in this fic?! How'd HE get in?!)

And finally... Are we going to crossover with Sailor Moon?

(Anything's possible in the School of Anything Goes...)

All this and more, in our next episode of Ranma 1/2!

(Same stupid channel, same stupid plot contrivances.)

* * *

A Guide for the Japanese Challenged

Baka- See previous chapters, dumbass.

Sensei- I promised you a place on the guillotine... now your head will be used for dodgeball.

Kuso- Cuss word, most likely 'Shit' or 'Damn'.

Gaijin- Translates into 'foreigner', often used as an insult.

Okonomiyaki- Japanese dish. Google it if you're really that confused.

* * *

Unfortunately, you're all going to have to wait for the next episode. I'm taking Dual Fighters and The Lost Years on hiatus so I can focus all my energy on finishing 'Not Quite Cinderella' and 'The Gun, the Staff, and the Keyblade' (Let it never be said that I only wrote shoujo-ai fics...)

So until then, keep on truckin'. Oh, and a giant cookie to anyone who finds the 'Shuffle!' reference (think teacher). Or the Speed Racer nod.


	7. The Fiances Have Fiances!

A/N: Quick reminder since I haven't used this marking in a while.

-"Mandarin"-

* * *

Last time, on Ranma 1/2:

Ninomiya-sensei may be the end of the School of Anything Goes!

(Pul-eeze. Like that'll actually happen.)

Shampoo and Ukyo are starting to make their moves on Kasumi!

(Hm, does Shampoo lose because she's an Amazon or Ukyo because Shampoo came first?)

And Kodachi's fallen victim to her own gas- and is cuddling with Ranma!

(My brain just exploded from the sheer non-canon-ness.)

Stay tuned, for this latest episode.

(Okay, Kodachi and Ranma? Akane and NINOMIYA?!)

It only gets weirder from here.

* * *

Episode 7: The Fiancés Have Fiancés!

* * *

"Ugh..." Ranma looked beat as he walked to school with Kasumi, Akane, and Ukyo. "That session with Happosai must've taken more outta me than I thought."

"Maybe you should see Dr. Tofu again," Kasumi suggested.

"Eh... Tofu's okay and all, but I'll be fine." Ranma rubbed his aching backside for what seemed to be the fourth time. His tired gaze rested on the mailbox just behind them. "Is it just me, or did we pass that mailbox already?"

Akane gazed at the mailbox as well. "I think so..."

Ukyo looked as well for a moment before grunting and beginning to walk away. "Just ignore it. Please just ignore it, and maybe it'll go away."

Kasumi seemed confused as she began to walk with her old friend. "You're talking about the mailbox as if it's a person." Ukyo laughed darkly at that as the front of the school came within eyesight.

Once they arrived at school, Akane noticed that there were significantly less men there than had once been; but they'd mostly been replaced by women. In fact, only a dozen or so men came after Akane- a mere fraction of what she was used to. Needless to say, she showed this mottled collection of men the sole of her shoes.

Akane and Ranma walked through an opening in the crowd and into the school. But said opening closed itself up when Kasumi and Ukyo approached. "Not this again," Kasumi groaned. Ukyo and Kasumi prepared to defend themselves. "I was really hoping this wouldn't happen."

Ukyo looked at the approaching mob, and then looked back at her innazuke. "Sometimes, you just gotta fight."

"HAPPO FIVE-YEN SATSU!"

In ten seconds, the entire crowd was sucked dry, courtesy of a peeved Ninomiya-sensei. "Such delinquents." She stared at everyone, yelling, "Go to class already! You're all going to be late!"

* * *

The school day seemed to speed by; the only notable event that happened all day was a short-lived food fight. People seemed fairly cautious to break the rules around the new 'disciplinarian' thus far.

"...in conclusion, the fourth wall is something that should not be broken unless it's for comedic effect. I'm looking at you, readers."

Ninomiya-sensei dismissed her class for the day, watching them all walk out the door. "Akane," she said, "Can you stay behind for a moment?"

Akane took a seat in front of the teacher's desk. "Is something wrong, sensei?"

"We never got around to our little talk yesterday about your apparent engagement."

"Anything Kuno says is a lie," Akane immediately claimed.

"I'm aware," Ninomiya replied. "I'm referring to Ranma and your sister. I just wanted you to know that if there was anything that I could help you with..."

Akane stopped paying attention at some point during her speech. "Akane! Are you listening to me or are you staring at my breasts?" The student gasped in surprise for a moment before Ninomiya-sensei told her to calm down. "It's alright. It's flattering. You look very attractive yourself." It was at that point that Akane stumbling over her words, trying to form coherent sentences.

"I- What- Up- You-" Ninomiya-sensei chuckled at her student's embarrassment.

A few minutes later, Akane and Ninomya-sensei left the classroom. "Well, I think that worked out fairly well. Remember, if you ever need someone to talk to, Akane, you know where to find me." As Akane walked away, Ninomiya couldn't help but stare. "Now if only I weren't her teacher..."

She began to stare at the yen coin she used to suck out people's battle auras. It was true that the technique that old man had taught her had greatly improved her health, but the side-effects were far-reaching for her mind and her body- and it played hell with her hormones. Ninomiya-sensei's ruminations about her abilities distracted her long enough to give Ranma ample opportunity to strike.

Ranma silently prayed that whatever gods or goddesses were watching would not allow Akane to waltz in on this scene. From the untrained eye, it appeared that he was groping his teacher. But a martial artist could see that he was actually hitting Ninomiya-sensei's pressure points.

The sudden attack left Ninomiya-sensei completely surprised. "What the-" But it was already too late for knee-jerk reactions- Ninomiya-sensei was already beginning to change. She was beginning to shrink; her breasts were going down sizes, until she appeared to be no more than a kid.

"No freaking way!" Ranma was stunned. "Our new teacher is a freaking kid! And she's THIS kid?!"

"I'm supposed to be that old," Hinako exclaimed. "But this guy freaking tricked me!" She looked at Happosai with an icy cold glare. "He taught me that technique just so he could escape a bunch of angry adults!"

"You said you were sick," Happosai retorted. "I just gave you the cure for what ailed you."

The girl was furious, now. "Yeah, and you also made it so I'm stuck as a kid!"

Ranma interrupted. "Hey, old man! I hate to interrupt such a wonderful reunion, but do I really have to hit the pressure point like THAT? It makes me look like as much of a perv as you!"

"And who do you think invented the technique," Happosai grinned.

While both of the martial artists were distracted, Hinako pulled out her special yen coin and took aim at Happosai. "HAPPO FIVE-YEN SATSU!"

Happosai was too busy laughing himself silly that he didn't notice the beam in time. In an instant he was sucked dry of his battle aura, allowing Hinako to change back into her adult form. Then Hinako turned to Ranma, pointed her coin and shouted, "HAPPO NO-YEN COIN RETURN!" All of the chi that Hinako had drained from Happosai fired out of her hands in the shape of a giant sphere, and hit Ranma in the face. Ranma flew backwards from the impact and made a hole in the wall.

Using that attack forced Ninomiya back into her child-state. "Oh, now I'm gonna be late to hang out with Akane!"

Happosai pushed himself off the floor as Hinako ran down the hall. He looked at the hole in the wall where Ranma had flown through. "We're going to have to have a LOT more training, boy."

Ranma groaned as he tried to extricate himself from the wall. He succeeded, only to fall face-first into the floor. 'I hope there's some good food for dinner.'

* * *

Kasumi checked the boiling water for the rice, trying to make a good dinner for the family. Ukyo was giving her a helping hand; trying to help Kasumi in the kitchen. Even Shampoo was making something nice. The three women were working almost in tandem.

"It's a bit scary," Nabiki told her younger sister. "They're like a home version of Iron Chef or something..." Nabiki then walked away as she tried to think of a way to exploit this surprising culinary cooperation.

'Maybe,' Akane thought as she stared at the trio. 'Those three work pretty well together when Shampoo and Ukyo aren't arguing over my sister.'

Even the two fiancés seemed to notice this fact; they almost seemed to read each other's minds as well as Kasumi's as all three of them maneuvered around each other in their quest to create a delicious dinner.

Once dinner was served though, it was back to business as usual. "I think K-chan," Ukyo said as she pulled Kasumi towards her, "would like to sit next to me."

"Is you stupid? Airen much more want to sit with Xian Pu," Shampoo exclaimed as she pulled Kasumi back.

"Can't I just sit between you two?" Kasumi appeared desperate to end the fighting, at least for now. Her plead for peace was accepted for the moment; her innazuke allowed that arrangement for the sake of pleasing Kasumi.

But this cease-fire seemed to deteriorate as dinner commenced. A little war seemed to erupt as both Shampoo and Ukyo tried to feed Kasumi morsels of rice. "K-chan, no fair! You're letting that bimbo feed you more than I am!"

"Spatula Girl is lying! Airen's last five bites all been from outsider!"

Meanwhile, Ranma and Genma had both picked Kasumi's plate clean, taking advantage of Kasumi's distractions. "Ranma, let go of the chicken!"

"Not on your life pops!" The wittiest comeback Genma could come up with was throwing Ranma through the wall and into the pond, causing his curse to kick in. "Why you stupid good-for-nothing oaf!"

Nabiki noted that she'd have to hire the carpenters again as Ranma began wrestling her father to the floor. Kasumi tried separating them at first, but Shampoo and Ukyo held her back. "K-chan, they can settle their own differences."

"But Ucchan," Kasumi struggled to say as Shampoo fed her some more rice, "Ranma's one of my best friends! They don't need to be fighting that much!" She looked at the hole in the wall before noticing sometime. "Father, since when was there a soda machine next to the pond?"

Soun looked away from the fracas at the oddly placed beverage dispenser. "There isn't one. Why do you ask?"

"Because there's one there now." Everyone stopped what they were doing to gaze at the vending machine.

Ukyo's chopsticks snapped in half as she shouted, "For the love of the kami, Tsubasa! Enough is enough!"

One loud poofing noise (yes... it was 'POOF') later, what appeared to be a prissy teenage girl in a dress appeared in place of the machine! "Hey Ukyo! You have no idea how long I've been looking for you!"

"Um... Ucchan? Who is that," Kasumi asked.

"My name is Tsubasa, and Ukyo's my fiancé!" Shampoo appeared to be celebrating by saying sweet Chinese nothings into Kasumi's ear, while Kasumi appeared shell-shocked and Ukyo ran over to the newcomer and started to throttle said newcomer.

"I- CAN'T- BELIEVE THIS!" She said as she threw Tsubasa over the dinner table, in front of Ranma and Genma. The father and sometimes-daughter finally stood up, removing their hands from each other's throats. "You were supposed to have moved away!"

"I did!" Tsubasa seemed furious. "I'm visiting just to see you again!"

"Well, I'm not interested. I've have a real fiancé, Tsubasa! Not some crazed obsession- STOP GIVING HER A HICKEY!" Kasumi's eyes remained bulged as Shampoo moved away from her Airen's neck, a sly grin on her face.

"Airen... you want more?" Kasumi was unresponsive, as a drop of blood escaped from her nostrils. "Oh, Airen need get used to this. Xian Pu no want Airen to bleed to death when having sexy-time!"

"Oh my."

Tsubasa was furious at Kasumi, ready to tear her limb from limb for stealing the 'perfect gal'. "K-chan, if you're gonna let that gaijin do that, then let me show you how to really enjoy it." And Kasumi actually yelped in surprise as Ukyo walked over and gave her a second hickey.

It was then that the newcomer began to understand what Ukyo felt. "Oh. Oh..." Tsubasa began to walk away, but stopped to say, "Ukyo, I'll never stop loving you. And 'K-chan'? I'll be back to kick your ass later."

"Wow," Ranma said. "You know, for a crazy girl she was kind of cute, unlike SOMEONE I know," she said before being punched in the face by Akane.

Ukyo stared at Ranma before deadpanning, "You realize that Tsubasa is a guy, right?"

Everyone stared at Ukyo. "Ukyo," Nabiki stated, "she was in a dress!"

"He likes playing dress-up," the okonomiyaki chef stated nonchalantly.

A look of shock and disgust came over Ranma as he took in what he was hearing. "I can't believe I just called a guy cute! Oh my God, I can't believe I just had a Bridget dropped on me!"

Indeed, it must be noted that Ranma was a heterosexual man and could be considered a lesbian. So she would never call a guy cute unless she was manipulating him or she was in a horribly, horribly OOC lemon.

It also must be noted that someone was at the door. "I'll get it," Kasumi said with Shampoo following.

"Well, this is interesting," a strangely familiar voice (at least, to Ranma) commented. "Maybe it's just me, but I don't think having giant holes in your house is what I'd call a good idea." A number of black rose pedals blew into the house, accompanied by a laugh and a familiar figure with a long black pony-tail.

Nabiki was only slightly surprised; she'd recognized the dramatic entrance Kodachi seemed to favor, but the laugh?! The laugh was much different, pleasant and full of life instead of the shrill insanity that once escaped her lips. "I have to admit, things feel a bit... different, Nabiki."

"What can I say," Nabiki admitted, "Dr. Mizuno knows her stuff. And I did owe your family a favor." She added as an aside, "Note to self: Never owe the Kunos a favor again."

"What the hell are you doing here, Kodachi," Akane inquired, "trying to spy on me?"

"Well, yes and no. I also wanted to see someone and I wasn't entirely sure how to go about doing that. Hi there," Kodachi said, saying hello to Ranma.

Ranma's tongue twisted as he tried to wrap his head around a girl being kind to him who was not Kasumi and not trying to exploit or kill him. Akane stared at Ranma, sighed, and threw the contents of her tea cup on her.

As the curse activated, Kodachi's eye twitched. "Nabiki, I think I might have to go back to the doctor."

"No, Kodachi, that actually just happened."

"Ah." Kodachi checked Ranma out, nodded her head, and said to herself, "My God, I've hit the jackpot."

Ranma couldn't believe what was going on, especially when Kasumi came flying through the wall, past the dinner table, and into the next wall. Following her was a bespectacled man with long hair. He had a surprising amount of muscle underneath his robes.

"Stupid duck-boy? What you think you doing?"

The man turned to face Shampoo. -"Ensuring my victory."-

Shampoo ran to Kasumi's side as she got back up. "Xian Pu really sorry. That old acquaintance, Mu Tzu- he been in love with Xian Pu long time." She looked at Mousse before commenting, "Xian Pu no remember Mu Tzu being muscular. Xian Pu remember he being skinny as stick."

Mousse stared coldly at Kasumi. -"You stole something very precious from me. I'll kill you for that."-

Kasumi got up off the floor, assuming a defensive position. -"There no way we can no fight? Just talk?"-

It can't be determined which made Mousse angrier: the broken Chinese or the fact that Kasumi had tried to make peace. Regardless, he still threw Kasumi into the kitchen. She landed in the sink, breaking the faucet... you know what? I think you know where this is going.

Everyone found themselves doused in cold water, causing Ranma to turn into a woman, Genma into a panda and Mousse...

Kodachi looked more surprised than she did earlier, if that's possible. "Did that guy just turn into a duck?!"

Ranma looked at Kodachi, opened her mouth, closed it, then replied, "Yes. Yes he did."

Soun stared the duck. "That's the most meat I've ever seen on a bird." Genma lunged at Mousse with a knife and fork in hand, but was kicked away by one of the duck's webbed feet. The duck then flung chains from its wings (much to the amazement of the people watching- where he was hiding those things was a mystery) forcing the shackles around one of Kasumi's legs. She yelled in pain as she was dragged outside by the Chinese fowl.

Shampoo and Ukyo gave chase, and found Mousse swinging the chain in a circle with his bill, which was causing Kasumi to be flung around on the other end. It looked like a weird version of Mario fighting Bowser. Kasumi started being twirled faster and faster and faster until a normal person would've blacked out. Ukyo tried stepping forward to stop Mousse, only to be hit by her innazuke and began to be flung around herself.

Mousse finally became dizzy after a while, releasing the chain in a random direction. Kasumi and Ukyo went flying into the distance, with Shampoo beginning to scream at the duck. -"I can't believe you, Mu Tzu! How could you!"- The duck waddled up to Shampoo and hugged her with his wings. Shampoo became even more furious and pushed him away. -"Wait until Kho Lon hears about this!"-

Inside, Nabiki looked at the damage that fight had caused. 'Yep. Definitely gonna have to blackmail a few more people to pay for this.'

* * *

It was cold. It was really freaking cold. And it was snowing.

That was all Kasumi could think about as she woke up. She was surrounded by snow, and she had to struggle to free herself. Kasumi looked around, trying to figure out for a brief moment just where she was. She couldn't figure it out immediately- her mind was still waking up. The land below her was slanted- she appeared to be near the summit of a mountain. In fact, she appeared to have landed at the mountain's peak.

Kasumi heard a rustling under the snow. She made her way over and noticed that Ukyo was buried beneath the snowfall. Quickly, the elder student of the Saotome School of Anything Goes retrieved Ukyo's body. She was alive, but having difficulty breathing. Kasumi's survival instincts began to finally kick in as she realized that Ukyo was in much worse shape than she. The only reason Kasumi could come up with for why Ukyo was having difficulty breathing was her bindings.

What little warmth Kasumi had in her body went to her cheeks. She'd have to set aside her inhibitions for now; this was a matter of life and death. She took off Ukyo's shirt, and ripped off the bindings. Kasumi couldn't help but stare- she knew why Ucchan dressed like a guy, but thought for a moment how beautiful she would look in a girl's uniform, or in anything remotely feminine.

'NO!' Kasumi gave herself a mental slap in the face as she quickly put Ukyo's shirt back on and began carrying her over her shoulder. 'Must... find shelter.'

It took the better part of half an hour before Kasumi's prayers were answered. She finally found a large hut with a chimney. The door was unlocked, oddly enough, allowing Kasumi to barge in. She managed to get a fire started, stripped her friend of her wet clothes, and quickly put her old friend in a sleeping bag next to the fire.

Ukyo shivered slightly as the fire began to pick up. Kasumi tried to check and see if there were was any food in the panty- surprisingly, there was a plethora of canned goods there. In fact, upon further inspection, Kasumi couldn't figure out when anyone had been here last.

Kasumi's body started to fail her as her movement became more sluggish from the lack of heat. She looked at the sleeping bag Ucchan was resting in. Using whatever energy she had left, Kasumi took off her clothes and entered the sleeping bag. As she began to lose consciousness from fatigue, Kasumi began to hope Ucchan wouldn't get too many ideas when she woke up.

* * *

Ranma sat in class the next day trying to make sense of what had happened. After Kasumi and Ucchan had been flung out to who knows where, Ranma began trying to beat the tar out of that 'Mousse' guy. Shampoo finally got ahold of that old hag she called Cologne a little while later, who promptly dragged Mousse away before he and Ranma could continue fighting anymore than they already had.

It had felt very strange not being accompanied by his oldest friend to school. Kasumi had been by his side for as long as he could remember; walking to school with Akane and Akane alone was more unnerving than the fight that had broken out last night.

In the back of his mind, he couldn't believe that he'd been almost matched in ability. Yes, he hadn't been going all-out, but the fact that Mousse was as skilled as he was meant that Ranma was really gonna need that training from his old man's sensei.

He looked at Hinako as he left the room, who was still in her adult form. Happosai had taught him not to emit a battle aura while around her- that was what she feed off of. At least that stupid old man was getting him out of school with that forged doctor's note.

Right as he walked outside the school, he was doused with a bucket of water. He glared at the person holding the bucket, only to find that it was Happosai. "Ah... such precious jubblies."

"You pervert! I oughta-" Ranma stopped a moment, silently chastising herself for sounding so much like Akane. "Whatever. As long as you don't latch on 'em again. Are we gonna train or what?"

Happosai grinned wickedly. "You're going to accompany me on a panty raid. That may sound like an excuse to help me grab some precious undies, but it will help you build up stamina and agility... and it'll give you some degree of familiarity with your female half."

"What if I don't wanna be familiar with bein' a girl? I'm a guy, dammit!" Ranma was furious at the mere concept. He was a man among men, damn it!

"And what should happen if you're doused with water during a close fight? It could make the difference between life and death, and that will not do for one of my student's students." He grinned, adding, "Once I have enough panties, we'll retire for the day and plan out how to hit that chi vampire's pressure points..."

* * *

It had been a week. A whole week since Ukyo had woken up in a sleeping bag. Ukyo laughed quietly to herself; it had been a very nice surprise to see K-chan naked. And an even nicer surprise to be able to spend so much time with her without Shampoo.

She paused when she thought about that girl. Shampoo had been a bit possessive of K-chan, but really, K-chan was a great person. Ukyo couldn't hate Shampoo for wanting K-chan; Shampoo really did seem like a half-decent person. But if Shampoo wanted her K-chan, then it was up to Ukyo to help K-chan see that she was worth her time.

And it was working- K-chan had been looking at her when she though she wasn't looking. "Ucchan?" Ukyo stopped looking at the ceiling. Kasumi had dressed up in a spare turtleneck and pants that had been lying unused in a dresser. "Why do you have to always dress up like a boy?"

Ukyo stared at the fireplace. "I thought we went over this already- I was crushed when you guys chose the okonomiyaki cart over me."

"But why hide what you are?" Kasumi looked at the fire as well. "You look... nice when you aren't wearing those bindings."

She stopped looking at the fire and walked a little bit towards Kasumi, who'd been sitting on the sleeping bag. "Nice? Is that all?" She smiled at her childhood friend. "There anything else you wanna add to that, K-chan?"

Much to her delight, Kasumi was actually checking her out. "Uh... I, uh... you just look really pretty when you... you dress like a girl."

That was a bit of a surprise to Ukyo. All she had to do was actually wear a skirt and not bind herself? It would be a bit of a challenge, but if it meant that Kasumi would actually see her as a woman...

Their moment was interrupted by a knock at the door. Kasumi was knocked to the floor after opening the door by Shampoo. "Airen! So so good to find you!"

Cologne followed her in. "It took us a while, but here we are. Didn't expect to find you on Mount Fuji."

Ukyo groaned as she realized that her time alone with Kasumi was over. Now she'd have to fight for her attention again. And considering how badly Kasumi was blushing from Shampoo's attention, that was going to be a daunting task.

* * *

My God, whose bright idea was it to wait six months before releasing a new episode?

(stares at author)

Anyway, next time, on Ranma 1/2- Kasumi trains with Cologne! But that's child's play compared to the attention she's getting from Shampoo and Ukyo!

(I'm betting some of the more perverted guys out there are rooting for a threesome. Idiots- like that'll happen.)

Meanwhile, Ranma trains with Happosai! Will he be able to stop Hinako?

(Akane will be pissed either way.)

And what about Kodachi and Hinako? How will they react to what's been happening?

(I'm betting romance, romance, and more romance. Just a guess.)

All that and more, in the next episode of Ranma 1/2!

(Here's hoping for something awesome.)


	8. Training From Hell!

A/N: It's been too long, yes? I got hit with major writers block for TLY and this. But it's gone, so I'm back!

* * *

Last time, on Ranma 1/2:

Ninomiya-san and Hinako are one and the same! I can honestly say everyone saw this coming.

(My God, the blinding flash of obvious truth! It burns us! IT BURNS US!)

Tsubasa actually made an appearance! How many people recognized him, three?

(Who's Tsubasa again?)

And since when the hell was Mousse a muscle-bound titan?

(Don't think. It only makes this harder to witness.)

Now we're on Mount Fuji, with the entire Kasumi love triangle staying in the same cabin.

(Will they be wrestling in mud, Jell-O, or on Pay-Per-View?)

Stay tuned for this latest episode!

(I can hear people complaining about the rampant lesbianism already...)

I'm not complaining.

* * *

Episode 8: Training from Hell!

* * *

To say that Kasumi had a hard time dealing with Shampoo and Ukyo before was an understatement. The two women had been dueling over her ever since she'd come back home to Japan, and now she was stuck in a cabin with the two of them. It had only been a few hours ago that Shampoo and Cologne had found her and Ukyo in the cabin, and the Chinese Amazon was already making something for her to eat.

"Aiya," Shampoo said, "Airen must be very hungry. Tired too."

The smell of whatever Shampoo was cooking set Kasumi at ease for now. Ukyo was content for the moment to allow Shampoo to make them food. 'At least she's not hanging all over K-chan,' Ukyo thought.

In a few short minutes, Shampoo had prepared ramen and tomato soup for the four of them. "Not very impressive," Shampoo admitted, "but Xian Pu not have much to work with."

Kasumi gladly slurped down on the noodles and soup, knowing that this was the only food she was going to get for a while. "Thank you for the food," Kasumi told Shampoo, who seemed to hit cloud nine at the compliment.

"Is very good that Airen like Xian Pu's cooking." Shampoo smiled as she ate a mouthful of ramen. "Xian Pu make Airen many things once married."

Ukyo frowned at the Amazon's comment. She didn't expect K-chan to do anything but blush, which is precisely what she did. Ukyo knew that Kasumi had never been the type of girl who could say no to a kind smile.

Kasumi held out her bowl for seconds, which Shampoo gave. Colonge finished off her own food before commenting, "Obviously, you've met my great-granddaughter's other suitor, Mu Tsu. I suppose he's trying something... different to impress her."

"Xian Pu not remember stupid duck-boy having meat on bones," Shampoo remarked.

"Haven't seen many boys with that much muscle on 'em," Ukyo added.

"Well as it stands," Cologne remarked, "Since Kasumi was defeated, Mu Tsu is now Xian Pu's Airen."

Xian Pu had already known this for some time, but was still furious at the idea. Ukyo expected to be happy at the prospect of having Kasumi all to herself, but two things tempered that reaction. First, knowing that Shampoo would now have to marry some guy she didn't even like. Then she saw the look on Kasumi's face. Her childhood friend appeared morose at the thought of Shampoo being married away.

"Xian Pu refuse to marry stupid duck-boy! K-K-Airen is Airen!" Shampoo threw her arms around Kasumi, accidentally ensnaring Ukyo in the process.

Cologne shook her head at her daughter's insolence. "Our law is law, Xian Pu. I can't look the other way just because you're my great-granddaughter."

Kasumi finally spoke after some thought. "So Shampoo and I aren't engaged anymore?"

"Correct."

"And to make sure she doesn't marry Mousse, I'd probably have to fight him."

"Yes."

Kasumi took a deep breath. "I'd fight him, but Mr. Saotome spent more time with Ranma than he did with me."

An echo reverberated throughout the cabin. Though he was nowhere near Mount Fuji, he still knew when he was being talked about. "SENSEI!"

"...Sensei trained Ranma more than me just because I wasn't a boy." Cologne stared at Kasumi as she continued, "So Ranma would have a better shot at beating him, but then he'd be engaged to her."

"Why Xian Pu want boy-girl to be Airen? He cute, but Airen is sexy!" Shampoo then began to grope Kasumi to accentuate her position.

Ukyo began getting angry at Shampoo's brazen flirting and decided to fight back, if only a little. "She's right K-chan. After all, Ran-chan's Ran-chan and you're... beautiful." She put her hand on Kasumi's rear and didn't move an inch.

Kasumi was just a few hairs shy of going insane from all of the attention. She was blushing so badly she could've sworn all of the blood in her was in her cheeks.

*Dear God, we're starting to go into hentai territory...*

SHUT UP AND ENJOY THE ACTION!

Cologne turned around, tapping her chin in thought. "Rules are rules I'm afraid. The only way you can be reengaged to Kasumi is by her beating Mu Tsu, and it seems Kasumi has no desire to fight."

All eyes went to the eldest Tendo, who was staring at her hands. "It's not like Saotome-sensei will train me." Kasumi couldn't see it, but Cologne was smiling.

The Amazon Elder shrugged. "Well, we've got some free time. And you've got some potential." Shampoo began to smile a little bit as she quickly figured out that Cologne was exploiting a loophole. "I'll train you. And if you happen to defeat Mu Tsu with your new training, well, what can I do then?"

Cologne began to look through the pantry, trying to find something. "I guess she kind of wants you to win, K-chan."

"Xian Pu think so, but not sure. Kho Lon is hard to read sometime."

Cologne emerged from the pantry a minute later holding a bag of chestnuts. "Shall we begin?"

* * *

In the three weeks following Mousse's attack, Ranma had been training hard under the 'watchful' eye of Happosai. In truth, this meant running from crowds of angry women with bags of unmentionables in hand. To make things more embarrassing, he often got splashed with cold water during the escape.

'Why the hell do I have to hold her this long?'

And to add insult to injury, Happosai was requiring him to hit Hinako's pressure points. This normally wouldn't be a problem for Ranma, except the manner in which he had to hit the points made him appear like a pervert who was copping a feel.

As Hinako began to shrink back to her child form, Ranma let out a sigh of relief. The amount of time he'd had to hold that position had gotten progressively longer each time he'd hit the points. Today, he'd had to hit the points for the better part of two hours. At the very least, no one had ever caught him in that position.

"Why do you hafta do this?" Hinako asked as she finished reverting to a child. "I'm supposed to be that old!" She tossed a cup of coffee at him and hit him right on the head.

Sadly, the cup was filled with cold coffee.

"Oh, you've gotta be kidding me," Ranma groaned as he became a she. Ranma then left the room and began heading for home. Genma had defended his old master's ways, telling Ranma that his training would make him 'a man among men'. Though she had to admit she'd become a little bit faster ever since Happosai had 'taken him under his wing'.

"Whoa!" A rose flew in front of her face as he walked towards the Tendo dojo, nearly cutting her face open. "You could've warned me, Kodachi!"

A light-hearted laugh echoed through the air, and Kodachi dropped out of a nearby tree, black rose pedals floating about her. She laughed softly before commenting, "Ah, darling. The look on your face was just priceless."

"You do this often?"

"It's an old habit of mine," Kodachi admitted. She shook her head and smiled. "It's still pretty fun, though."

"You still could've warned me," Ranma commented. "What're you doing here, Kodachi?"

Kodachi began walking with Ranma. "I need some help, and I thought you could ask Akane for me."

"She'd probably hit me with her hammer," Ranma told her. "Why can't you ask her?"

"Let's just say that I didn't get along with Akane very well when we were young."

Ranma grinned. "I guess that makes two of us. Just what do you want me to ask her?"

* * *

Ranma barely avoided Akane's latest hammer assault. "Aw, come on! How was I supposed to know you didn't like her that much?"

"She's Kuno's sister!" Akane was furious at Ranma's request. "And she made everyone's life hell before she went to the all-girls school. I'm not helping her out."

"Helping what?" Nabiki entered the room halfway through the conversation. "What's going on?"

Soun coughed before commenting, "Kodachi wants Akane to help her in a Martial Arts Rhythmic Gymnastics tournament." He took a swig of sake before commenting, "I'm not the greatest of mediators."

"I'm not helping her," Akane growled. "She's almost as heartless as Nabiki!"

"And I obviously just feel so bad about that," Nabiki intoned with an eye roll. "She got an operation, Sis. She's not the same bitch she was before."

"I'm not helping her," Akane stubbornly stated. "And nothing is going to convince me otherwise."

As if the universe decided to mess with Akane's statement, Hinako the child ended up at the Tendo dojo for her usual visit almost immediately after said statement was made.

"It sounds like she needs help," Hinako said after Akane told her what had happened.

"Yeah, but I don't even like Kodachi."

Hinako pouted at that. "Well, maybe she's changed. People change all the time."

Akane stared at the young girl, surprised at her point of view. 'I'm being outvoted by a pervert, my sister, and a seven year old. The world's gone crazy.'

* * *

Indeed the world was crazy, or at least it seemed that way to Kasumi and Ukyo. "You've gotta be crazy," the okonomiyaki chef yelled at Cologne. "She's getting hurt! She gets burnt everytime!"

"It's training," Cologne told her again as everyone present watched Kasumi try to grab a chestnut that had been roasting over a fire. "The objective is for her to be able to grab to nut without getting burnt."

"It's still crazy," Ukyo complained.

"As crazy as training on the poles at Jusenkyo?" Cologne stared without any emotion at Kasumi as she said, "Whether or not her idiot teacher pressured her into it or not, things are the way they are. And it's my responsibility that my great-granddaughter has the strongest spouse possible." As Kasumi failed yet another attempt to not get burnt, she told her, "Go ahead and soak your hand in the snow. I can wait."

Once Kasumi was outside, Shampoo spoke up. "You say 'strongest spouse'."

"I did."

"So you no favor Stupid Duck-boy over Airen?"

Cologne briefly tried to think before saying carefully, "As the Village Elder, I cannot take sides. But as a family member, I'm for whoever can produce the strongest child." Both Shampoo and Ukyo appeared pleased at this news.

But as Shampoo ran out the cabin to tell her Airen, Ukyo confronted Cologne once more. "So that means you want that Amazon guy to win, right?"

"You're not familiar with our people," Cologne said, "So I'll say this much. Our people have ways of reproduction without men. Only in special circumstances, but if there are no worthy men who can give us strong heirs, what can you do?"

Ukyo watched Cologne leave the cabin, silently contemplating what had been said. It worried her slightly. After all, if the Amazons COULD reproduce without men, and if Cologne was training Kasumi... did that mean Cologne was actually pulling for Kasumi? She walked out of the cabin after putting on a coat and approached the two Amazons and her K-chan.

"Are you done soaking your hands?" Cologne asked. Kasumi nodded her head in affirmation. "Good. Then we can try a different training exercise."

"This is nothing compared to Panda-san's training," Kasumi told herself. In her mind, she could see a panda whomping her over the head with an oversized sign that read, 'Sensei! Sensei!'

As Cologne began to instruct her new protégé, Shampoo approached Ukyo. "You gonna try and kill me out here?" Ukyo asked. "Kasumi will stop you."

"Is true," Shampoo admitted. "Airen be very sad if Spatula Girl go away."

Ukyo's eyebrows raised as she said, "K-chan's not gonna be very happy if you go away, either. I mean, look at her." Both women stared at Kasumi, who was being tied to a boulder and a tree. Ukyo cringed as she watched Kasumi jam a finger against a boulder repeatedly. "She's willing to put herself in that much pain to make you happy."

"Is because Mu Tsu is crazy. Duck Boy always trying to please Xian Pu." Shampoo huffed at the thought. "He probably fawn over Xian Pu everyday if we be married. Not like Airen, Airen let Xian Pu have space. Is little annoying since Airen need to consummate marriage, but it going make sexy time much worth it."

The okonomiyaki cook stared at the Amazon and bit her lower lip. "You really like her."

"Mmhm," Shampoo confirmed. "Airen is very sexy, but also so so sweet. I no can believe I was going to kill her." She looked at Ukyo before noticing, "Spatula Girl look like woman for while now. No wear stupid bandages?"

"Yeah," Ukyo blushed, "K-chan said that she liked it when I didn't wear them."

"Spatula Girl look good without bandages." Ukyo looked at Shampoo, surprised. "What? Xian Pu no allowed admiring other women? You sexy, but Airen still number one in Xian Pu's book."

The two women continued to watch Kasumi and Cologne. "Again," Cologne told her, "Again!"

"How long do I have to keep doing this?" Kasumi asked as she nurtured her pointer finger.

"Until you break the boulder," Cologne instructed. Kasumi slammed herself against the boulder finger first once more, causing no damage to anything save her finger. "Since you're not going anywhere for a while," she said aloud as she observed the rope binding Kasumi to the boulder and a tree, "I figured that we could use this time to have a little talk."

Kasumi chuckled a little bit as she remembered this sort of situation from a story she had read while on the road, about a ship that was caught between a rock and a hard place. "I'm a little busy, Cologne-sensei."

-"You have time,"- Cologne spoke in her native tongue.

"Could you find me my book? I'm not that great with Mandarin."

-"No. From now on, you will speak Mandarin when addressing me. You need to brush up on it anyway. Understood?"-

"Yes, Cologne-sensei."

Cologne thwacked Kasumi on the head with her staff. –"I'm sorry, I didn't hear that."-

-"Yes, Cologne-sensei."- Kasumi rammed her finger into the boulder again. –"Why I do this?"-

-"This is a new training exercise, one that will compliment the Kachi Tenshin Amaguriken,"- Cologne told her. –"Any Amazon worth her salt knows the skill that I'm teaching you. The chestnuts are a more advanced technique. Do you understand?"-

-"Yes."- Another attempt to break the boulder forced Kasumi to dip her finger into the snow. –"This bit worse than Panda-san's training."-

Cologne nodded as she admitted, -"It's strange what constitutes effective training."- Her new student made another attempt to break the boulder, and a very slight crack appeared where her finger had gone. –"Since I have you trapped here, let's talk about my great-granddaughter."-

Kasumi tripped over herself, hitting the boulder with her head instead of her finger and not causing any new cracks. –"We need talk about that?"-

-"We do,"- Cologne informed her. –"You see, I know your type. You will not fight unless there's something worth fighting for."- She motioned towards Shampoo and Ukyo, who were busy looking for more firewood. –"You've realized that you want something, and you want it more than anything. You're tired of being a doormat and you're ready to do what it takes to get that which you desire."- She watched Kasumi ram herself into the boulder once more, the crack from before becoming slightly larger. –"May I be perfectly frank with you, Kasumi?"-

-"_Hai,_ Cologne-sensei."-

-"Do you know why I'm training you?"- Another attempt to break the boulder forced the crack to expand. –"It's not because I'd prefer my great-granddaughter to have you as her wife, nor is it because she truly loves you. Though it's an added bonus."-

Kasumi paused from her latest attempt to complete the exercise. –"Then why?"-

Cologne stared at the boulder, then Kasumi. –"Because it is my sovereign duty to ensure that my village remain strong. And Xian Pu's children must be just as strong. You and your friend have the potential to two of the greatest fighters this world has ever known. You just have to realize it."-

Kasumi took a deep breath. –"You want me to marry Xian Pu?"-

-"I do,"- Cologne admitted. –"It's my preference that you win out over Mu Tsu."-

-"What about Ucchan? I no able turn back on her."- Kasumi looked at her childhood friend as she was carrying logs back to the cabin.

-"That is something you must make a decision on,"- Cologne said. –"You are going to marry my great-granddaughter, so you must find your own course of action."-

-"I no want her out of my life."- Her latest attempt created a giant crack in the rock. –"But I no want Xian Pu unhappy."- The crack became larger.

-"The solution is there. You just have to find it."- Kasumi charged at the boulder, and finally broke it in half. –"Excellent."-

-"That nothing compared to Panda-san's thing,"- Kasumi sighed.

Cologne untied Kasumi from the tree and the remains of the boulder before commenting, -"Your goal is to break the boulders into nothing but small rocks with one blow."-

Kasumi looked at the boulder in shock. She had only broken the rock in half. "Oh my."

* * *

"C'mon, boy! I could beat you in my sleep!" Genma had begun his morning fight with his only son and was fighting around the Tendos, who were calmly eating their breakfast.

"Give it up, old man! You're getting soft!" A hard kick to Genma's stomach forced the father into the nearby pond, setting off his curse. Ranma could see the panda trying to give him the middle finger. The panda then surfaced and splashed Ranma with the cold pond water, triggering her (or should it be said, her) curse. "Freaking oyaji!"

_I get the last laugh_, Genma-panda's sign read as he guffawed. Ranma went to the breakfast table and started chowing down on both her and Genma's food to get back at him. Ranma would not admit it, but she had to adjust her fighting style ever since Kasumi had been missing. She now had no one to back, while Kasumi had helped her fight all those years on the road.

As everyone walked on the path to school, Ranma found herself startlingly alone. It was an unsettling feeling that she had been forced to grow accustomed to the past few weeks. Akane would not speak to her, she didn't trust Nabiki, and Kasumi was missing.

A great thundering began to erupt behind Ranma and Akane, like the sound of a stampede. Ranma already knew what was coming next.

Ranma put out her hands and a comically large bag of women's unmentionables flew into his grasp. Happosai ran past him, and Ranma ran out to join him. Akane found herself being passed by a throng of angered women in various states of undress. "Pervert."

* * *

Back in the cabin, Kasumi stewed over what her new sensei had told her over her bowl of soup. Shampoo was sitting right next to her on one side, Ukyo on the other. She kept switching between her soup, her two innazuke, and the bag of chestnuts sitting next to the fireplace. Cologne had gone out to meditate for a bit. "Airen okay? You no talking."

"She's had a rough day," Ukyo reasoned. "She's just tired."

Kasumi took a sip of her soup and continued to look at the chestnuts. She knew she couldn't stay up here forever. It took her a moment to figure out why she had been so reluctant to train on her own accord like she had with Ranma.

Cologne had been right in one respect. She'd finally found something worth fighting for. Kasumi looked at Shampoo, then Ukyo before returning to the chestnuts. But there had been another, more powerful reason.

Fear.

Kasumi had always been the nice one. She had always been considerate to everyone, not wanting to offend. Yes, her training in the arts conflicted with that, but in the end she wanted to be as considerate to other people as possible. She was afraid of being rude.

But when presented with someone who was trying to kill her, when given a situation that being nice could not get her out of, she was genuinely scared.

She thought about Shampoo and Ukyo once more. The two women adored her. Kasumi knew that she was feeling something when she looked at Shampoo, and was beginning to suspect that her platonic friendship with Ukyo could not possibly stay that way.

Everything was at risk because of her fear, because she was afraid to be selfish or impolite.

Silently, Kasumi finished her soup and got up to reach for the chestnuts. "K-chan, what're you doing?"

Kasumi began to roast the chestnuts and waited for the fire to build up. "Airen?"

"Ow!" Kasumi had gotten burnt trying to grab one of the chestnuts. She failed once more, but did not appear discouraged. Instead, there was a focus in her eyes that neither Shampoo nor Ukyo had seen before.

Unknown to all of them, the door to the cabin had been cracked open, and someone was watching. 'She's beginning to learn how to be a true Amazon,' Cologne thought with a smile.

* * *

(What took so long with the translation?! We were waiting four months!)

It could be worse. We could've been translated by 4Ki –

(DO NOT SAY THAT NAME!)

Anyway, next time on Ranma 1/2! Kasumi trains long and hard to prepare for her fight with Mousse!

(That, and to impress some babes.)

Things come to a hilt with the Ranma/Ninomiya situation! How will Akane react?

(Please say hot lesbian action...)

Creepy! Who will make their move on the battlefield of love first! All these answer and more, next time!

(Hopefully, it won't take a third the year.)


	9. Haven't We F'd Up Continuity Enough?

Last time, on Ranma 1/2:

Cologne trains Kasumi!

(Have we finally jumped the shark here? Kasumi's not exactly known for fighting.)

And... more training!

(...Do we at least get a Rocky montage?)

And... relationship developments!

(Who wants to sing the angst song?)

Now we're getting ready for Kasumi's return!

(Why all the exclamation marks? Saying it in an exciting voice does not make it awesome!)

Just doing my job. Stay tuned for the latest episode.

(I think we're approaching the end of the season.)

* * *

Episode 9: Haven't We F'd Up Continuity Enough?

* * *

Cologne silently watched her new apprentice try again and again to retrieve the chestnut, with varying degrees of success. It had been a few days or so since she had begun trying in earnest, and Kasumi had now managed to at least get her hand into the fire without getting burnt. "Good. You've improved somewhat. Now grab the nut."

Kasumi took a few breaths. "I'm just not fast enough yet."

In the blink of an eye, the nut was gone and in Kasumi's hands. In another blink, Kasumi rubbed her head in pain from being hit by Cologne's staff. "Do it. Put the chestnut back in and do it."

"Why did you hit me?"

"Because you're not fully committed and you stop halfway through. Now put your hand in there, grab the nut, and take it out of the fire. All in one motion."

Kasumi tossed the nut back in and took a breath before trying again.

In another corner of the cabin, Shampoo and Ukyo watched their fiancé repeat her attempts. "Airen no giving up," Shampoo commented. "This good. Mu Tsu will no give up either."

Ukyo silently nodded as she watched the fire. The two women had formed a sort of truce, to work together to make Kasumi more responsive to their advances and less shy. Results had been somewhat mixed. Ukyo had had some success in flirting, and Shampoo had even managed to crawl into Kasumi's bed naked without any nosebleeds. But they had not managed to make Kasumi flirt back, kiss, or even do much else besides blush. "Think she'll win?"

"Oh, she win. When she get into fight, there no stopping her."

"Again," Cologne commanded. "You almost had it that time."

Kasumi took a deep breath and relented as she reached her hand in and out so quickly, one could have sworn it had been but a blur. In her hand was a roasted chestnut. She smiled as she showed Cologne, who also smiled a little.

"Good. Now do it again." Kasumi's smile faded a bit. "Again. It's a speed building exercise, by the time you're done it will be second nature. Besides, you might have increased your tolerance for pain by learning the Bakusai Tenketsu, but you cannot outmuscle Mu Tsu. You don't have the strength yet to do that. You have to rely on your speed and your stamina."

Cologne's practical example seemed to encourage Kasumi to try again, and succeeded a second time. And a third. And a fourth...

* * *

Back in Nerima, newly dubbed 'land of the loonies', an unusual spectacle was taking place in one of Furikan High School's many classrooms. To the untrained eye, it would have appeared that a student was molesting his teacher. What was actually occurring was a bit more than that, though.

"You are too damn persistent," Hinako Ninomiya complained as Ranma continued to hit her pressure points. "I don't want to risk going back to childhood! I'm supposed to be this old!"

"Look lady, I respect what you want to do and all, but I'd rather not have you keep sucking out battle auras!" Ranma may not have been one for considering the consequences, but he was proud of his prowess in the martial arts. Happosai's assertion that Hinako Ninomiya could be the death of the School of Anything Goes frightened him to his very core.

'_This is taking forever,'_ Ranma thought. _'It's been what, at least an hour?'_

The door to the room opened up slightly, and Ranma immediately shouted, "Stay out!" A quick slam of the door told him that he was safe. _'Should've locked that thing when I had the chance.'_

At long last, Miss Ninomiya began to shrink, her curves contracting into her body until she was no bigger than a child. "You are mean, mean, mean!"

Ranma quickly stormed out of the room and made a beeline for the exit, not bothering to look back. Hinako started to cry as she realized how long this had been going on. Tomorrow would be the last day, tomorrow she would lose her powers and possibly be stuck as a ten year old for the rest of her life.

The door to the classroom opened again, and Akane walked in. "Miss Ninomiya, I had some questions about... Hinako?" She rushed over to the girl's side, asking, "Why are you dressed up like a teacher?"

* * *

On the path home, Ranma had already gotten hit twice by cold water; once by a car hitting a puddle at high speeds and again by an old woman watering her plants. So now Ranma was soaked to the bone, pissed at what had happened at the school, and a woman to boot.

Out of the corner of her eye, she could see a glimpse of Mousse, running for cover as an overly muscular duck. She was sorely tempted to beat him into a pulp, but that was Kasumi's fight. Ranma had never asked Kasumi to get herself into his fights, and he would have to extend her the same courtesy.

She felt something whiz by her head, followed by the sound of something hitting a tree. A quick glance told her that a black rose had flown by, and a loud laugh confirmed it.

"Ranma darling, it is so good to see you!" Kodachi had jumped onto the road, smiling at Ranma. "And how are you this fine day?"

"...Fine." Ranma kept walking on the road, trying to keep herself calm.

Kodachi was not willing to back down easily, however. "Ranma darling, I hope you're alright." Ranma walked past her, stone silent. Kodachi took that as a cue to walk beside her. "Ranma, I've been thinking, and I would be willing to allow you to take me out on a date."

That finally got Ranma's attention. "What?"

"I would be willing to permit you to take me to dinner," Kodachi repeated. "Do you accept?"

There was something peculiar about this, but Ranma wasn't entirely sure. "You mean, there's a choice?"

Kodachi nodded. "Yes. Obviously, I would prefer that you said 'yes'."

Ranma stared at Kodachi, her face expressionless. "You do realize that I'm really a guy, right?"

"Right."

"And that I'm only a girl half the time?"

"A little weird, but yes."

"And you still want to go out with me?"

"Would tomorrow be too much trouble?"

Ranma kept staring. This woman was not only deathly serious about a date, but was actually giving her a choice. A choice! And not the type of choice where there was only one real option, an honest to the Flying Spaghetti Monster choice! "...Uh, sure, I guess."

A knowing smile came across Kodachi's face, though she did not say anything else other than a quick "Thank you." As Kodachi walked away, Ranma stared at the woman. _'My life just keeps getting stranger and stranger.'_

* * *

"Again." Into the fire and out, open hand, throw the nut back in the fire. "Again." Into the fire and out, open hand, throw the nut back in the fire. "Again." Into the fire and out, open hand, throw the nut back in the fire...

The expertise in martial arts Kasumi appeared to possess pleased Cologne. She had known since the defeat of Shampoo that Kasumi was skilled; coaxing her into using said skill at first had been akin to forcing a horse to drink from a river.

That reluctance was fading, however. But Cologne knew time was running out, and that soon Mu Tsu would be expecting her and Xian Pu to return. The driving question in her mind was whether or not Kasumi could justify to herself using all her might. She had seen hints that the Japanese girl might be able, but given what she had started as, well... Cologne was not sure Kasumi would be going all out.

"Enough." Kasumi crushed the chestnut with her hand. When the hand opened, only the coat was broken, the core intact. "I would train you more, but we are running out of time. We must return to Nerima soon."

An uneasy calm fell over the cabin. The three love-triangle-tangled women all looked at each other, trying to gauge the other's reactions. Ukyo was clearly conflicted about this new development, and Shampoo was a little eager to see this carried out.

Kasumi thought for a moment before smiling the way Ukyo and Shampoo remembered, answering with a resolution neither knew she possessed. "I think it's time to fix this mess."

* * *

Akane could not get to sleep that night. The sheer amount of new information was keeping her wide awake. Ranma, her innazuke, was harassing Hinako, who was not only her friend but apparently her teacher as well, forcing her to stay as a child. If what Miss Nino- Hinako was telling her was true... it made Akane angry. She wanted desperately to take it out on Ranma, but she 'didn't know' according to Hinako. But did that mean she could do nothing?

The other side of the problem was no less troubling. Hinako was some sort of 'chi vampire', feeding off the battle aura of others. The reasons Hinako gave Akane for continuing to feed had been twofold; because that was how old she was supposed to be, and more recently because it allowed her to spend more time with Akane. It had been sweet of her, but it had made things complex.

As if matters seemingly had to become more complicated, Hinako was running out of time. Every day that Ranma continued to hit her pressure points was one less day Hinako would be able to be her age. And since Hinako's metabolism acted slower than a turtle wading its way through molasses in the winter, the odds were that Hinako would not even hit puberty for decades.

Her eyes were finally beginning to shut, rebelling against the stress her mind was inflicting on the body. Obviously, she had to do something. The real question was 'what'?

----

"And that will be all for today." The bells rang, signaling the end of another school day. The students silently filed out of the classroom, a sort of pall over an otherwise chatty student body. The reason was lost on the boys, but the girls knew why: three of their classmates were missing. She sighed as she noticed one student had stayed behind. "Trying to get this over with early, Ranma?"

"No kidding," Ranma replied as he charged at his teacher.

"HAPPO FIVE-YEN SATSU!" Ranma managed to dodge the beam as he had for some time and maneuvered his way behind the teacher and began hitting the pressure points. "Really, Ranma? How long do you think we'll be staying after today?"

"I'd don't wanna even think about it," Ranma replied. "I'll just be happy when this is all over."

The sound of a camera taking a picture filled Ranma with dread. "Afternoon, Ranma," Nabiki greeted. "Ninomiya-sama, you as well."

The sudden presence of Nabiki caused Ranma to divert his attention long enough for Hinako to wrestle one of her hands free to grab a coffee mug. The next thing Ranma knew, her head was covered in cold coffee. However, her grip held firm as she became alert of Hinako's renewed struggles. "What the heck are you doing here?"

"Isn't it obvious? I'm taking pictures." Hinako blushed as Nabiki continued to click furiously at her camera. "I have to say, it's fortunate that you're a girl right now. My client just wanted me to get some blackmail... but I can sell this to some classmates for some good yen."

Ranma's eyes widened. "You wouldn't..."

"I would. You wouldn't believe how much people pay for pictures... especially Kuno." Nabiki grinned wickedly as she took another picture. _'Sorry sis, but I'm about to hit the motherload.'_

* * *

Ukyo wiped her brow as she hunched over and took a swig of water from a canteen. The climb down Mount Fuji had not been an easy one. For all the things that she had learnt how to do in her lifetime, hiking had not been one of them.

As she gulped the water down, she looked at Kasumi out of the corner of her eye. Kasumi was still standing, though her breaths were ragged. "Can we please take a break, sensei?"

Cologne, who was perched on Kasumi's back, replied, "Fine. Xian Pu, go find some food. Kasumi, go with her."

The Amazon Elder jumped off Kasumi and watched her great-granddaughter join her as they walked off towards a nearby town. Ukyo began to walk after them, until she felt a sudden weight on her back. The chef knew immediately what is was. "Listen, do you know what that gaijin bimbo is going to do if she gets K-chan alone?"

"Yes," Cologne stated matter-of-factly, "I do. I'm counting on it. And please don't call Xian Pu a 'bimbo' again."

Ukyo was angered by Cologne's words. "That's it, I'm going after them."

Cologne immediately appeared in front of Ukyo, unamused. "My people's laws dictate that my great-granddaughter must marry her Airen. If Kasumi chooses to take a second wife, I'm sure an arrangement could be made."

But Ukyo seemed not to hear what she had said. "But... but I was supposed to marry her first."

"And that is something we can work out later. For now, my people's laws must be enforced."

* * *

The nearby village had been blessed with a bountiful harvest, one that they were eager to share with their new visitors. Upon Shampoo's request (and a liberal amount of yen), they delivered some of their harvest out to Ukyo and Cologne. The townspeople also invited Kasumi and Shampoo to partake in some food at the nearby restaurant.

Kasumi sat down at a nearby table, twiddling her thumbs nervously. She knew that Cologne had merely asked them to get food. But Shampoo seemed dead set on going slowly and taking her time. The place was small, lightly populated with customers and candles. Kasumi could see that what few people were there were dressed to the nines or at least dressed in something better than they usually did. Kasumi felt embarrassed; she had not bathed nor had she changed out of the clothes she had started the day with.

It was then that two familiar hands covered her eyesight. "Guess who, Airen?"

"Hello, Shampoo." When Shampoo finally took her seat, Kasumi's breath was taken away. Shampoo was dressed in a lilac silk Chinese shirt and dress. A sensational smell wafted into her nostrils, but nothing that excellent could be food, goodness no... it had to be perfume of some kind. She buried her nose into the nearby menu.

"Xian Pu already know what she want to eat. Airen know yet?" Kasumi continued pretending that her menu was a fascinating novel. "Or does Airen want something... not on menu?"

Kasumi gasped in surprise as she felt something rub against her leg. "Shampoo!"

"Hehehe! Xian Pu have Airen all to self. Xian Pu not allowed to have fun?"

"..."

Before long, the food was on their plates and Kasumi was engorging herself on the plates of food before her. "Airen eat just like she did when we meet!"

Kasumi put down the leg of lamb she was eviscerating and smiled as she chewed. "Haven't had food like this since I was back home," she told Shampoo. "It's hard to make anything tasty with rabbits and cans of soup."

* * *

As the two walked out of the restaurant, two lone figures peeked their heads out of a bush. "Good," Cologne smiled. "Good. Xian Pu's finally gotten Kasumi relaxed. If she keeps this up, then we may finally have this out in the open."

"This is crazy," Ukyo complained. "All of this is crazy. This whole fanfic had been –"

Ukyo was whacked over the head with Cologne's staff. "No breaking the fourth wall!"

"Ow!"

'Now that she's out of the way, just get it over with! The readers are getting restless!'

"You're allowed to break the fourth wall and I'm not?" Ukyo was sent back to the ground with another whack of the staff. "Guess not."

* * *

Not five minutes later, Kasumi was running out of the nearby hot springs clad in only a towel and a raging nosebleed. Giving chase was Shampoo, also clad in a mere towel. "Airen! Why you running!"

"I think you know why, Shampoo!" Kasumi turned a corner and entered a nearby building. "I think you know why," she repeated to herself. She could see Shampoo running through the street, trying to find her.

"Can I help you?" Kasumi turned around in embarrassment as she saw a middle-aged woman standing behind a counter. "Would you like a room... or at least some clothes?"

Kasumi quickly realized that she had ducked into an inn. "I'd appreciate that. My name is Tendo, Tendo Kasumi."

"Ah yes, I have you down for a reservation." The woman put a key on the table. "There are some clothes in your room."

The revelation that she already had a room did not quite sink in for Kasumi, who instead decided not to press her luck.

* * *

Some hours later, Shampoo finally entered the same hotel clad in that same towel. She had her clothes from the hot spring as well as Kasumi's tucked under her arm. As Shampoo walked up the stairs, she could not help but wonder where she had gone wrong.

As she approached the room she knew Kasumi was in, she could see a familiar face standing before the door. "Village Elder."

-"You are speaking the islander's tongue,"- Cologne chided. –"I'll let it slide this time."-

"Is she okay?"

Cologne nodded. "Ukyo is there as well. Two bed suite. You need to salvage this situation."

"I try what you tell me! I try stupid Japanese wooing, and she go running!"

"Then you were probably too forward," Cologne replied. "As great a fighter as Kasumi is and will be, she was likely raised to be a housewife until her training with the Saotome clan began." Shampoo stared in confusion. "She is meek. She is shy. I cannot tell you how to romance your Airen, Xian Pu. You are a grown woman. I trust you will do what you feel is right."

Shampoo remained silent as she creaked open the door. True to Cologne's word, Ukyo was there. However, she seemed fast asleep. Kasumi was sitting on the bed and facing the window, away from the door. Shampoo quietly closed the door behind her and walked slowly towards the eldest Tendo sister.

"Hello, Shampoo." Kasumi had apparently been expecting her. "Did Cologne-sensei send you?"

"No. Xian Pu send Xian Pu." Kasumi continued to stare at the window. "Xian Pu want to say I sorry. Xian Pu... overreach." There was a brief moment of encouragement as Kasumi finally shifted around and looked at Shampoo. "I want Airen. I want now and for life. I want Airen to want me."

Kasumi twiddled her thumbs in silence. There was a long lull in the conversation. "Shampoo..."

"Village Elder tell Xian Pu she go too fast for Airen. Xian Pu try your way of 'wooing'. It stupid to Xian Pu, but Xian Pu do it because Airen might like it. Airen might finally react. But when Airen finally open up, Xian Pu got eager."

Kasumi finally got off the bed and got on her feet, continuing to look at Shampoo. "Shampoo."

"Xian Pu..." Shampoo was clearly trying to say something, but she could not say it. "Xian Pu love Airen. Law says we need be married. But if Airen no want marry..." Shampoo began to walk back out the door, knowing that things should have gone differently, that this should not have been the way it ended.

But Shampoo felt a hand on her shoulder turning her back around. "You really should stop interrupting me." Kasumi bit her lip before finally taking a chance. She stumbled with the foreign words at first, but finally got them out into the open. –"I love you."- And then Kasumi did something that she had either not had the spine to do before or the courage to realize.

Kasumi kissed Shampoo on the lips, no longer able to hide herself. Shampoo was so happy to finally hear the words that she had wished for that she forced Kasumi to the floor, continuing the kiss. It was at least half a minute before the kiss was broken, the two gasping for air.

"Xian Pu love Airen." She went in for another kiss, but Kasumi stopped her. "No kiss?"

Kasumi went straight to the point. "What about Ucchan, Shampoo? I can't leave her behind."

"Xian Pu no understand."

"I love you, Shampoo, I really do. But..." Kasumi looked at the bed where Ukyo was lying. "I think I love Ucchan too."

"So? Take second wife."

"But polygamy's illegal!"

"Not in Joketsuzoku. I think it possible."

Kasumi continued to look at Ukyo, who remained still and asleep. "I hope so. I'm not leaving her behind."

Unbeknownst to either of the women, Ukyo was wide awake.

* * *

A CLIFFIE? YOU LEAVE US WITH A CLIFFIE?!

(It's just as well. This next episode is the last one.)

What?! You mean this is an OVA?

(Well, it IS AU...)

So many acronyms. Well, I'm not giving away much a preview for next chapter then!

(Kasumi and Mousse will fight. That much is obvious.)

Just damn. See you next time.

(For the last time. Unless somehow we get a second season.)

_**(Oh God, I hope not –Editor)**_

_**

* * *

**_

(A/N: Yes, next chapter is the last. No, I am not the editor. Editor = my beta.)


	10. Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting!

Last time, on Ranma 1/2:

Akane tries to stop Ranma from finishing off Hinako!

(And failed miserably. You trusted NABIKI without paying her?)

Ranma gets asked out on a date! Without being threatened!

(And he accepted. Of his own volition!)

And Kasumi confesses! Inadvertently, to both her fiancés!

(Could it be? A love triangle that survives?)

All this and more, on the final episode of the season!

(*puts on the Darth Vader mask* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!)

* * *

Episode 10: Everybody Was Kung-Fu Fighting

* * *

So now Nerima had clearly become a bit of a loony bin, or at least more of a loony bin than it had been. All around the town, Ryoga would occasionally barge through walls in an attempt to find Ranma (one family with bad eyesight mistook him for the Kool-Aid man).

Kodachi finally realized how batshit crazy Nerima was for what seemed to be the first time. The surgery seemed to have lifted a veil of insanity from her eyes, and now she saw it all.

While she now felt like the sane man in the asylum, she was still the happiest she had ever been. For the first time in a long time, she was out of her black leotard and in a very beautiful dress. She smiled to herself as she knocked on the door to the Tendo dojo.

A few seconds later, the door opened, and Akane stood in the doorway. There was an awkward pause before Akane asked, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here for my date," Kodachi replied. Akane's eyes went wide for a moment before she qualified, "Not with you. Where is Ranma?"

"...What on earth would you want with that pervert?"

"That pervert is my date."

Akane stared at Kodachi, remarking, "Are you crazy?"

"No. But I used to be."

Before Akane could respond, a shouting match erupted inside the house. Ranma finally appeared, shouting in the direction she came from, "Maybe you should'a thought of that before you made that stupid contract!"

A panda ran towards Ranma wielding a wooden sign, and Ranma clotheslined the animal. The sign flew into the wall, and Ranma dodged the object with minimal effort. She was wearing a red silk Chinese shirt and some black pants, both of which appeared soaking wet. "Sorry 'bout this," Ranma apologized. "Oyaji and I got into a bit of a fight, and we kind went into the pond."

"That's quite alright," Kodachi smiled. "Shall we?" She took Ranma by the hand and led the martial artist down the street, calm as could be.

A few minutes later, the door knocked again, and Akane answered again. "Hi, Hinako. Come right in." Hinako and Akane silently made their way to Akane's room, walking past her weeping father and a silent Genma-panda. Once they made it to her room, Akane locked the door behind them. "Okay. My sister didn't exactly manage to do what I asked. How many more times does Ranma have to do the pressure point thing?"

"Not many," Hinako admitted. "Maybe one or two more times."

"And just sucking out battle auras isn't going to help."

"No. If Ranma does hits my pressure points, it won't matter how many people I suck up."

"I see." Akane thought long and hard before finally admitting, "I don't know. I just don't know."

Just then, a sudden noise happened at the window. Akane nearly screamed when she saw someone squatting right outside. She opened the window, and was immediately relieved. "Kasumi!"

Kasumi climbed through the window and into the room, followed by Shampoo and Cologne. "Ucchan'll be coming through the front," Kasumi explained.

"You haven't been coming to class recently," Hinako complained. "You've got a lot of homework to make up!"

Kasumi stared at Hinako, confused. "I don't understand. Why is Hinako talking like Ninomiya-sensei?"

Akane promptly fell on her face.

---

"Ukyo!" Soun hugged his adoptive daughter with tears running down his face. "It's so good to see you again!" Genma-panda nodded gruffly in agreement as Ukyo retrieved some hot water for him.

"HOT!" Genma screamed. "HOT!" Genma the man ran around fanning the steam off his chrome dome. Once he calmed down, he got right down to brass tacks. "Alright. Damage control. Soun, my son is out on a date with someone or other, yes?" Soun nodded. "And that person is not one of your daughters?" Another nod. "Alright. Time for some creative damage control." He slapped Ukyo's back as he asked bluntly, "Ukyo, you're marrying Kasumi."

Soun and Ukyo were both in shock. "Genma," said Soun, "you must be joking."

"We are to join the schools," Gemna explained. "One Tendo and one of my own. Well..." Genma was struggling to explain his convoluted logic. "Kasumi is one of my students... and Ukyo is one of your daughters..."

"Adopted," Soun and Ukyo pointed out.

"But still one of them." Genma folded his arms as he proclaimed, "It's decided. Ukyo, you are going to marry Kasumi."

Ukyo would have complained, but she was honestly not objecting to the concept. She had fallen in love with her K-chan, and she knew that Kasumi was beginning to feel the same way.

* * *

Back in Akane's room, Cologne stared at Hinako and sighed. "That sounds like Happosai, I'm afraid."

Hinako had explained her story to Cologne and Kasumi, while Shampoo sought out Mousse. "It doesn't sound like I can convince Ranma that easily," lamented Kasumi.

"Right," Cologne noted. "I wouldn't say there isn't an alternative to staying a child. But I also wouldn't say you've the best of odds."

"Then what would you say?" Hinako was waiting on baited breath.

"That you at least have a chance. It all depends on her." Cologne pointed her stick at Akane, who looked confused. "I have a plan."

--

Ranma stood just outside the Tendo Dojo, with Kodachi by her side. "That... that was fun," Ranma admitted. "Though I'd rather not've been a girl."

"You say it like there's something wrong with it," Kodachi teased. Ranma bit her tongue, and Kodachi knew then that she had hit a nerve. "What's wrong with being a girl?"

"It's not what I'm supposed to be!" Ranma pointed at herself as she explained, "This isn't right! I'm supposed to be a guy! Being a chick is unmanly!"

Kodachi stared at her coldly. "So there is something wrong with being a girl?"

"For me there is! I'm supposed to be manly!" Kodachi continued to stare. "It's just not who I am."

"It is for now," Kodachi told her. "That magical pond or whatever made you half girl. And based on our date, it sounds like you want to be the best martial artist. Really, I could care less if you were boy or girl."

The part about boy or girl gave Ranma pause. She looked to the door as she admitted, "You'd be the second person to say that after Kasumi. G'night."

* * *

The following day at school, Kasumi, Shampoo, Ukyo, Akane, and Ranma were all in class together for the first time since the incident with Mousse. Hinako seemed pleased with this turn of events, and had a bit of a pep in her step throughout the whole class. "I've got one last thing for you all today, and that's concerning the recent spat of violence that's been erupting in this school." She slowly walked through the rows of desks as she continued, "Specifically, the spat that ended up getting me hired."

Most of the class appeared a bit nervous, though none of the usual 'troublemakers'. "Things have by and large quieted down since I came here, though there is still quite a bit of fighting before school." She glanced at Akane and Ranma before continuing, "Now, if you are having problems with your life... I recommend you either solve the problem peacefully or re-examine your life."

The class didn't fully understand why their teacher was sending such hints about laying off Akane, though those in the know understood. A few moments later, the bell rang, and class was dismissed for the day. As the class filed out of the room, Hinako noticed that Ranma was staying behind. "Is it that time already?" asked Hinako. Ranma nodded quietly as Hinako brought out her coin and prepared to go through a sort of routine that Ranma and she went through. "HAPPO FIVE-YEN SATSU!"

Ranma dodged the attack and went in for the kill, immediately beginning to hit Hinako's pressure points. "I think today's it," Ranma told her. "No more aura suckin' for you."

However, Ranma failed to notice that someone had never left the room. He continued not to notice said someone until she pulled out a mallet out of Hammerspace and whacked him so hard with it that he went flying through the window, out the classroom, and into the distance.

Hinako stared at the window, at a loss of what to say. She was brought back to her wits when she felt a new set of hands hitting a different set of pressure points. A sense of dread pervaded her thoughts for a few moments before a familiar voice sighed, "I hope this works."

The dread was quickly replaced by relief; it seemed that Cologne's plan might come to fruition after all. "She's sure this will work?"

"Only one way to find out." Hinako blushed as she looked down and saw those hands on her pressure points. As a child, Hinako had thought of Akane as the 'bestest of buddies'. As an adult... Hinako still liked Akane a great deal, but not in the same manner. Her heart began to beat faster, and she was forced to confront a side of herself that she had never seen. She liked it, and it scared her.

Just then, she felt her body begin to shrink. She began to squirm, knowing the sensation, knowing that she would soon return to her being a child. But just as quickly as her body began to shrink, it stopped.

Hinako looked at herself, and was shocked. She was definitely a bit smaller, but she wasn't a child. As the hands came off of her, she turned to look at a shocked Akane. "Y-You..." Hinako went to her desk and pulled out a small mirror. As she gazed into it, she realized what had happened.

"I... look younger."

"Correct." The two women turned to the classroom door, and watched Cologne walk in between them. "Not a complete success, but not bad. Not bad. I'd say you're roughly eighteen now."

Hinako paled in shock. "But... my job!"

"You'll probably have to find a different job," Cologne continued. "Perhaps even enroll in the school."

Hinako continued to panic internally before she realized two things. First, she would be aging normally now, right alongside Akane. And second, she would not be held back by her age or by her profession when it came to spending time with Akane...

* * *

Kasumi, Ukyo, and Shampoo made their way back home, stopping briefly to watch Ranma fly through the sky for no immediately apparent reason other than 'he pissed off Akane'.

"Ranma seem to do that lots," Shampoo noted.

Kasumi was about to reply when she noticed that Shampoo had taken her hand. She was about to ask why when she also realized that it felt incredibly nice to hold her hand. A few moments after noticing, Kasumi realized that Ukyo was in the process of taking her other hand.

She blushed as she reflected on her situation. During their years-long training with Genma-sensei, Ranma had nearly been married off or placed in a future engagement behind his back numerous times and barely managed to finagle his way out of them. He had only managed to finagle out of his most recent one with Akane through an extremely convoluted leap of logic that was forcing together Ukyo and herself.

Not that Ukyo was complaining about the new arrangement now. But the whole fiasco surrounding Shampoo had demonstrably lethal side-effects if left alone, especially since-

Kasumi stopped suddenly as several knives flew past her head. "Mu Tsu," Shampoo shouted as the muscular Chinaman with coke-bottle glasses revealed himself, "What you doing?"

"Get away from her," Mousse told Shampoo. "You're my Airen, not hers. Besides, you've got your own bimbo."

Ukyo let go of Kasumi and pointed her spatula at Mousse. "Bimbo?! At least I don't throw myself all over K-chan whenever I please!"

Shampoo stared lividly at Ukyo, and was about to respond when she saw the spatula slowly point towards the ground. Kasumi was pushing the spatula away as she said, "You already won. Why come back?"

"You stole her heart," Mousse stared as he took out several knives. "I want all of Shampoo."

Kasumi cracked her neck and knuckles, warning, "You realize what will happen if I win, right?"

Mousse nodded. "Which is why I have to win."

Kasumi sighed as she put up her fists and assumed a fighting stance. "Then make your move."

The two fighters stared each other down as Ukyo and Shampoo backed away from the duo. "Shampoo?"

"Yes?"

"Tell the truth. Does Kasumi have a chance?"

"Ordinarily I say no. Mousse as blinded by stupid love as without glasses, so he no ever give up. But Airen fighting for love too, and Village Elder been teaching her. So it toss-up."

Ukyo wasn't sure whether to be relieved or worried.

Kasumi and Mousse continued to stare, each trying to read the other. A few sakura leaves blew past the two, and as the third leaf blew past, the two began.

They ran straight at each other, each trying to land the first blow on the other. Kasumi attempted the first punch, but Mousse easily ducked the strike. As he ducked, he launched his own blow into Kasumi's midsection, and felt his fist meet flesh.

As Kasumi felt the wind get beat out of her, Mousse quickly stood back up and raised his right leg in the air. By the time Kasumi could start getting some air back in her lungs, Mousse brought his leg down on Kasumi in a near vertical kick and bellowed, "OSTRICH KICK!"

The force of the kick forced Kasumi into the ground face first an inch or two, and the ground cracked around her. Satisfied with his work, he began to walk towards Shampoo, who was staring at Kasumi in shock.

"That all you got?" Mousse turned back around sharply, and Kasumi not only on her feet, but rushing towards him. She had a fist ready, and shouted at the top of her lungs, "KACHU TENSHIN AMAGURIKEN!"

As she finished the battle cry, Mousse realized then that he was not dealing with the same woman he had beaten so easily as a wall of fists began to rain blow upon blow upon blow upon his body. He felt himself get punched in places he thought it wasn't possible to get punched in and then some as he silently cursed Cologne for her interfering with the pursuit of true love.

As the last hit came in on his chin, Mousse fell on his back, and positioned his hands carefully. When he was almost on the ground, he pushed up, and launched himself into the air and back into his feet. "I see the Village Elder has taken you under her wing."

"I no afford to lose," Kasumi replied in her broken Mandarin. "She offer. I accept."

"Then it'll be that more satisfying when you lose."

* * *

Back at the Tendo Dojo, Ranma dried herself off next to the pond as she watched her father run around the dojo, in what appeared to be a bit of a panic. It was true that her father had been a bit of a nervous wreck ever since Happosai had come to Nerima, but this was a different sort of nervous wreck.

"Ranma," Genma shouted, "stop being so unmanly!"

It wasn't what he was saying that concerned Ranma, but how he said it. There was a hint of desperation in it, as if lives depended on it.

"What the hell's your problem, oyaji?"

"Your mother, that's the problem!" He came out holding a piece of paper in his hands. "She's coming next week!"

Ranma looked at him, confused. "So?"

"So, that's a major problem. I promised her to make you the manliest man in all of mandom." He pointed at Ranma and emphasized her current form as he added, "If she sees you like this, she's going to kill us both!" His mind was racing as he thought aloud, "I need to talk to Genma, you need a fiancé- where's Nabiki?"

Somewhere in the dojo, Nabiki's ears perked and her eyes were filled with yen symbols.

Ranma was still confused. "What're ya talkin' about?"

"I signed a contract to get you out on this trip," Genma explained. "And if I didn't make you the manliest thing in all of existence, your mother has the right to kill use both!"

Ranma responded by punching Genma into the nearby pond. "You idiot! How many other stupid contracts have you been signing?"

Before Genma could respond, Ranma saw a second body enter the pond with a giant splash. The second person quickly climbed out of the pond and began to catch her breath. "Afternoon, Ranma."

"Kasumi? What's goin' on?"

"Oh, the usual. Life or death fight, Shampoo and Ukyo, same old same old. You?"

"Expecting Ryoga any day now, Mom's coming here to kill us."

"Business as usual?"

"Oh yeah."

Mousse finally showed up, a hammer in hand. "That's right! I have access to Hammerspace!"

Ranma looked at Kasumi for a moment, and a silent message was sent. This was Kasumi's fight, not Ranma's. She slowly backed away to start beating some sense into her panda-father as Kasumi and Mousse began to go at it once more.

The two exchanged blows and dodges, neither giving the other any quarter or breathing room. While Kasumi was not making much progress, she was holding her own instead of getting beat into a pulp.

Mousse stared at Kasumi as he spat out blood. "Now I'm mad," he said aloud.

"It took you that long?" Kasumi smiled as she saw him get angrier; she was beginning to understand how Ranma felt when he fought. Her smile quickly faded as Mousse ran towards her with his fists bared. "SWAN PUNCH!"

The punch came so fast and so hard that Kasumi could have sworn that she'd been decked by a kitchen sink. As pieces of a broken porcelain swan toilet dropped to the ground, she noted that she was not far off. The surprise from the amount of force behind the punch forced her to give Mousse some time to breathe.

Once she recovered, she saw that Mousse was no longer there. Instead, she saw several eggs heading her way. Remembering that Mousse was a crafty man, Kasumi jumped back into the pond. As she began to descend into the water, the eggs exploded. As she jumped back out the pond, she noticed that Mousse was standing across the pond, standing behind a soaked umbrella. He closed the umbrella and threw the device at her, and it was only at the last possible moment that Kasumi realized the point of the umbrella had been sharpened.

She dodged in time, but her shirt took a direct hit and was sliced in half. Kasumi shook off what remained, leaving her with only a plain bra.

Ukyo and Shampoo stared and stared and stared; this was the most they had seen out of Kasumi in a long time, and they wanted it scarred into their brains.

Mousse jumped over the pond and attempted to launch another swan potty assault upon Kasumi's skull, but Kasumi side-stepped the porcelain weaponry and asked, "What is it with you and your obsession with bird-related fights?"

"I turn into a freaking duck, remember?" He jumped into the air, high, high into the air as he shouted, "It's time to finish this! RAKING HAWK TALONS!"

As Mousse began to descend upon Kasumi, she noticed that attached to his feet were six hooked nails, three on each foot. He was coming too fast for her to dodge, and those nails would probably ensure Mousse's inevitable victory.

If she was going to win, it was now or never. And at the speed Mousse was going, she would only have enough time for one punch.

Kasumi held back one fist and channeled as much ki as she could into it, hoping that with one punch, she could end the fight. It would all come to timing now.

Mousse grinned wildly as he came closer, closer, he could see that a fiery aura was beginning to surround Kasumi's right hand, but he was so close to victory that he could smell it.

"Enjoy your bird technique," Kasumi told herself, as if it were a private joke. He launched her final attack, and the aura around her fist took the form of a falcon's head as it and Mousse careened towards each other.

"FALCON..."

The nails were gleaming in the sunlight, and were now mere seconds from renting her flesh. Her own fist was making its way towards Mousse.

"...PUNCH!"

The fist seemed to be faster than she thought possible, going past Mousse's left foot and breaking off the fine points of its hooked nails as it did so. The punch itself landed somewhere in Mousse's midsection, and for the briefest of moments Mousse hung in the air, his eyes wide as he tried to comprehend what was going on.

As that long moment came to a head, the force of the Falcon Punch over-powered the momentum Mousse had built up, and Mousse began to soar through the air uncontrollably. As he picked up in speed, his glasses flew off his head, unable to adjust to the sudden change in direction. Mousse flew into the distance, and it was then, as he was just a speck in the distance, that Kasumi came to the conclusion that she had won.

"Oh my." She stood perfectly still, content to stare at the spot where Mousse had blinked out of sight. Kasumi did not stay there long, as she was tackled to the group by an ecstatic Shampoo whose head ended up nuzzling Kasumi's upper chest.

"Airen did it," Shampoo kept shouting, "Airen did it! Airen is Airen again!"

Kasumi blushed as she timidly put her hand on the back of Shampoo's head. "I guess I did."

Ukyo watched Kasumi slowly rise to her feet, slower than usual due to her fatigue and the fact Shampoo was not letting go, and joined the two as they made their way into the dojo and up the stairs.

"Airen?"

"Yes?"

They were hovering just outside Kasumi's room, all three of them. "I... love you."

It was not the fact that Shampoo loved her that surprised Kasumi, but that she had said it in Japanese. "I love you too." Neither Kasumi nor Shampoo were fluent in the other's native tongue, but knew enough of it to say those words.

Watching Shampoo and Kasumi enter the room was bittersweet for Ukyo; Kasumi was happy, yes, but it was happiness without her. She was about to turn away when she felt a hand hold her in place.

"She take more than one wife, remember?" As Shampoo stared at her with a knowing glance, Ukyo found herself slowly being led into the room, the door closing behind her a few moments later.

* * *

...That's it? They're not even gonna show it?

(Pansies.)

Well, it looks like we're out looking for a job.

(At least until next season.)

If there is a next season.

* * *

A/N: Like the crazy announcers are saying, this is it. I might come back some day and do a continuation/sequel, but this will be it. Thanks for hanging around for the 2+ years it took to finish. If you like my stuff, read my other stuff. Until next time.


End file.
